I am feeling pretty despondent right now. I did end up sending a TM to H on Thanksgiving and several hours later he called and we spoke for a few minutes.
As I look back, things have been rocky for a long time and maybe I should just give up. Waaaay back when, I made a big mistake because I didn't fully respect that sex and looking nice for him were legitimate needs. Additionally, thyroid was off the charts screwed up, so even if I did recognize the legitimacy, I would have had a hard time filling those needs. A couple years ago I was FINALLY diagnosed properly; I lost weight, got energy- it really changed me back into who I really am. BUT, by then, he was long gone mentally. (Thinking about his great escape once our youngest graduated.) I got him to stay one year longer than he wanted. But this waffly thing has been an ongoing issue.
The thing that I see happening, though, is that my self-respect is going to end up in the toilet. (Not to mention, I am sure HE won't respect me.) No wife should have to be the "back up" plan when H can't find some one new on match.com. How can I "stand by him" while he actively tries to find someone new to fall in love with? That's just horrible. It's not like he stumbled into some sort of EA/PA because he works with someone and now he is confused because he has feelings for them. No. He just simply wants to go and find someone "better for him." And I have let him cake eat because I keep hoping that he'll come to his senses.
I know I am babbling here. I am just trying to talk myself thru this. This has ended up being an online journal for me. Funny thing though, I can be all "tough" here; but when I see him, talk to him, get a text from him, smell him-- all of my resolve flies out the window.
Me-43 H-46 M 12 yrs 7/09 T 15 2 grown kids bomb 7/05/07 H moved out 8/04/07 11/22/09 told him I quit;let's get ball rolling Mid Dec- he isn't sure he wants D End 2/2010-Starting to consider piecing
