Seriously though...I wouldn't have a clue how to 'pick up' a guy purely for his arms and vehicle! Hmm...maybe if I just said, "you've got great arms and I like your car, can I borrow you to protect me for x weeks?"
I am not so sure if having that I am Done discussion is actually a good one but there examples of Plan B letters on another Forum. It may be something similar to Going Dark and declaring why. I never wrote one to my H but I did Go Dark for several months and it saved my sanity. Perhaps a Plan B Letter would have explained to my H why I had to do it. It was difficult because it did seem like more of the same from before our separation because I used to just ignore him so be careful of what your goals are. It sounds like your primary goal is to set up boundaries physically and emotionally. Me too.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
Crap...he came around when I wasn't here and must have looked at my history. He found this thread.
He left me a very sad and sweet note. Feels that I am turning his parents against him (I'm worried about him and I was worried about myself) and that he can't talk to them when he is ready to.
F8ck f*ck f^ck.
Can I f*ck the poor guy up any more? Can I f*ck myself up any more?
I found your thread. But I'm not sure how to advise you because I don't know what the real question is or what your real goal is.
Please expound, and then click 'notify moderator'....because my brain is a sieve, and this will remind me.
Just a few note:
I feel threatened by him but I think I'm just being paranoid and melodramatic. Honor these feelings. You are NOT just being paranoid and melodramatic.
I don't like to tell him how I really feel because I'm scared of his reaction. I don't want to be the bad person. Therefore I end up not saying anything at all, or sounding frustratingly wishy-washy which drives him nuts. I just wish I could find some cojones and say what I feel (though of course, that presupposes that I actually KNOW what it is I am feeling! - But that's my problem that I need to work on).
[whoops....MIL rang, got distracted]
I told her yesterday what had happened and she was ringing me to say she'd spoken with her husband (my h's dad). h's dad seems to be of the opinion that my h needs to be confronted with his behaviour, but my MIL is worried that by doing that, it will set h off again. I personally don't think that it would get that volatile - at that point. It would blow up sometime later when I wasn't expecting it.
THIS IS NOT 'DB' ADVICE, THIS IS MY EXPERIENCE...I AM NOT A PROFESSIONAL:
Honor your feelings. And trust your mom's sense. If you are going to leave...make a plan. Stay vague until that time.
There is a very good chance that when you do this will escalate. You already sense it.
And if you feel it escalate before then...your time is up. File. Get a restraining order. Change the locks even if you can't legally.
Unfortunately, you will have to spend money to do that. But you will be safe. Start finding out what you can do legally.
About being reactive Force yourself to stop it. Don't give yourself an out. It's hard in the moment, and hardest the first time. It gets a little easier each time.
Thanks, sg
Last edited by sgctxok; 11/25/0704:01 PM.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
Crap...he came around when I wasn't here and must have looked at my history. He found this thread.
He left me a very sad and sweet note. Feels that I am turning his parents against him (I'm worried about him and I was worried about myself) and that he can't talk to them when he is ready to. ... Can I f*ck the poor guy up any more?
Dont panic.
I think this could be a really good thing. He didnt react with anger. HE actually read your stuff, and it sank in, to some degree.
I think that what you should do is point out to him ,... gently...,that his parents are reacting to what HE is doing. They are upset with him, as a result of his actions. And that if he doesnt want his parents upset by his actions.. then isnt it his responsability to either change his actions, or deal with the consequences of his choices?
PS: I originally quoted back "turned against him". I rewrote it as "upset with him". That may be a good thing for you to do also, if you talk to him about it.
Last edited by Dom R; 11/25/0704:45 PM.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
Dom R is making a very good point. It is his behaviour that you have told his parents about. If he doesn't want them to know about that then he should stop doing it. also if he doesn't want them to know, doesn't that prove to him that his behaviour is wrong?
I think you've made the job much easier for him to turn to his parents now. his parents can now be of real help now they know the whole the story (do they know everything now? I'm guessing there is still stuff he should tell them). Especially as it sounds like he doesn't want his parents to know about the aggressive behaviour, therefore implies that he had no intention of telling them. how can they be of help when they only know half the story.
Remember you did nothing wrong as this sort of thing can turn into full on violence and it's important that his parents are told in case it happens again. plus it sounds like you have a good relationship with his parents and they would be upset if they didn't know about such a huge issue with their own son because you didn't tell them (why hadn't h already spoken to them anyway?- sounds like he can do with their support- I'm wondering if he has any intention of turning to them for support. if he hasn't already done so, he may be just saying that "he can't talk to them when he's ready to" but in reality has no real intention of telling them any more than 20% of the story).
miss bb makes a good point...it might be easier for him to turn to his parents now and they can be of some real help to him. and dom, of course, makes a good one about his behavior being what you talke about. I'd do the same, honestly.
hope things are going okay for you. keep us updated!
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
I've been really busy at work which is great for me right now.
Plus I'm really second guessing myself as to whether I should post because I don't feel I can freely express myself any more.
A lot of the stuff I post here is thinking out loud, toying with ideas, trying stuff out, checking for feedback. It's not everything I feel - I'd be on here 24/7 if I tried to post everything I feel!
But anyways....in respect for him the great long post that I had typed up will stay private for now.
I have a IC appointment tomorrow. d has her counselling appointment on Thurs and h and I are supposed to have a joint counselling appointment at the same time as d's (but with a different counsellor). I'll bounce some of the ideas off my counsellor and I'll do the 48hour rule about posting my stuff on here.
