I don't know how you can label not having sex as being "unhealthy" If something inside me is dying, that is unhealthy. Sure, if I have to, I will live. I will live with resentments that grow.
do you think at 90 years old they are still having sex? That is different HW. I think of couples capable of having sex, but they don't.
some just do not have the desire, plain and simple. OK so some don't have desire. The other spouse that does have desire is left to wither maybe.
it won't be because of our lack of sex - it goes much deeper than that Yes, it goes deeper. No sex or poor sex on a limited basis still isn't good for most people’s R.
As much as "we" (all of us on this board) want to have a fulfilling sex life, it is not a necessity of life - it is a desire, a very pleasureable desire but not a necessity. I don't know how you can label not having sex as being "unhealthy"
For the same reason I would label not getting exercise or sunshine as being unhealthy. Sure, you can sit on your sofa all day and take Vitamin D capsules and it won't kill you, at least not right away, but it's still not healthy. I would seriously estimate that I have added 5 years to my life by leaving my SSM.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Another woman wrote: "I think I would give him time to resolve any issues and/or decide to seek help-make sure he knows how important it is to me. I would not want to go through 40 years of no ML."
The questions aren't bullstuff (at least not in my opinion, or I wouldn't have asked them), they are based on assertions made by a well known psychologist. I will reveal the text of the assertions and the name of the book a bit later on.
Welp. As I say. You cannot see what you cannot see, until you do. But if you can never see, then you can't, and there is no reason on the planet for blaming a man/woman for not being able to see if they are blind. Period. Are they a throw away?
Depends on the quality of the rest of the R.
We all 'give up,' something, no matter who we meet.
Unless you go in, knowing what you can and cannot live with, you will build anger and resentment. There are unknown variables. Always.
I would like to think that I can meet things head on. Obviously, there are things I just cannot live with.
Really had nothing to do with a man who loves me or sexually desires me.
It had more to do with 'self.' And the questions and hard answers I was never willing to face (or knew to ask) before I committed.
If I had to choose?
I always said, if my best friend were a man, I'd have married her. And we don't have sex, and have never even considered it.
So. I guess I'd have to go with love. If forced to choose.
I wouldn't want for very long to have sex with *that* person if he was not acting with love toward me in the quotidian aspects of our marriage.
But the way I am wired up as an individual, I do not *feel* romantically loved unless receiving regular, good-natured touch and sex. In the "no sexual desire" scenario, I'd get roommate not marriage; what's the point?
Corri, I am standing up saying the "whoo hoo" cheer to your bf right now. And I like your word "invite". And I'm very intrigued by (paraphrasing) "Love (which I take to mean, living with a heart open to love and intimacy) is an incredible act of courage. Sexual desire is the reward."
In response to Heywyre ... I know this is probably an unusual case ... but my dear friend lost his father recently. He had been fighting Parkinson's for many many years; the last six years of his life, he was bent double, racked with tremors, and barely mobile. Yet his wife told me that they were having sex up until the last month of his life (in his late 70's by then). How, I don't know and didn't like to ask ... but there you are. It can be done.
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
I agree to some extent with HW... My H wants to desire me sexually but just doesn't feel "it" however, my H loves me...so do I say the R is over because he can't desire me the way he used to?
I feel with my H (he has never stated this but I feel it) he was severely abused both physically, sexually, and emotionally...while this didn't seem to effect our sexual relationship and his desire when we were younger something happened as he entered MLC...or maybe sometime before...he started losing the desire...now he had an A...after his return nearly 2 years later and about as long after the A ended he disclosed to me that the A was not sexually driven...in fact he had little sexual desire but performed as though he had desire the few times they were together...
So for my H and our situation I truly believe it is more then just a matter of wanting something...I think he was damaged as a young boy and the wounds have now surfaced and I am not sure how they will heal...if he will ever feel the desire he once did...but with love I KNOW we can make it...and for my part as long as he expresses his love to me and offers to care for my needs with or without desire involved...well then I will stay...
Do I feel deprived...maybe a little because I know what it was like to feel desired by him at one time...but at the same time I felt way more deprived when I didn't have his love...so I will take the love and hope that one day the desire will be there...until then...we continue to love
I hate how everybody always brings up the "paralyzed from the waist down" and "when we're 90 and wrinkly" scenarios to justify a lack of sex. I had to look it up and 29% of men and 25% of women are still sexually active after age 80. If you consider the high percentage that would no longer be mated at all or physically separated due to health issues, the percentage of couples living together still having sex would be quite a bit higher. I wouldn't want to have sex with a 90 year old guy right now but, hey, I wouldn't have wanted to have sex with guys in their 50s when I was in my teens either but I've managed to adjust.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Your right...I have a friend who is 80 that just married a woman who is 64...obviously they are not "paralyzed from the waist down"...
However, that being said, you can't discount that there are more then just a few reasons that someone might not have desire...it could be an attraction issue...it could be a hygiene issue...it could be childhood issues...abuse issues...physical issues...emotional issues...and the list goes on...this also doesn't change how much love a person might have for another...just because they may not 'feel' a sexual desire doesn't mean that they don't love the person and desire to contribute to that person's happiness...
I have spent my life with H from the time I was 15...things were great until MLC for him hit...it was 3 years of ugh...2 years of HELL...followed by, so far, 3 years of rehab of our R/M...I am happy to have his love back...and hopeful to have the desire back at some point...but I also know he doesn't feel good about NOT desiring me...he wants to "feel it"...but until we find out what exactly the problem is I will be happy with his love...
Okay, monkey-girl is waiting to find out about this scientific study. Actually, my pilgrim soul theories may be more in the category of "how I wish relationships worked" rather than "how they actually work". I think it is definitely possible to be completely loved and highly sexually desired/satisfied by the same man BUT quite possibly not at the same time or in the same context due to warring brain chemicals. That is why there is that expression used by men that they want "Lady on the street, woman in the house and slut/whore/animal in bed." which obviously is kind of tricky for most women to manage even if they are intelligent, self-aware and motivated. Plus it's kind of expensive because to do it right you really need three wardrobes.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
