Lou:

Quote:
Corri, so even when you were LD you still wanted sex. Most sex starved H’s think their W almost never has a sex drive and avoids anything that is sexual, including sexual thoughts and feelings, sometimes to an extreme.


I avoided sexual thoughts, a lot, because I did not have the courage/honesty to share my inner self, one, and two, we argued SO MUCH about sex, he was so angry with me over it, that I wouldn't have shared my inner self even if I wanted to. He was an azz. To me, you do NOT talk to someone like that and claim to love them. You do NOT call someone names and expect that that will feed a person's desire to be intimate and vulnerable with you.

My xH was also the classic Nice Guy, and it pissed me off to the extreme. It killed whatever urges I had to begin with, and it wasn't much. My 'drive' was more along the lines of needing a physical release of an O... and I could do that on my own.

When I started my own journey 'out' of LD land, what I found was what CeMar calls mutual masturbation. Ewh. My xH did not desire intimacy and vulnerability, and actually told me in no uncertain terms that he was not capable of it. He was who he was. He wanted sex. He wanted to 'get off,' and he wanted to feel good about himself to get me off. That is just the worst kind of crap sex ever.

My bf is down for Thanksgiving. My mom, dad and kids are here as well. I've been 'focused' on cooking, cleaning, keeping things running smooth, attending to one and all... and there is no sexual desire anywhere in sight. I'd like to go 'get off,' but to have that... relaxed connection? Please. I'm not relaxed, and when I do 'relax,' I'm falling asleep.

So my bf asks me about this last night. He asked me if I had been horny. I was honest. No. Not really. But it didn't have anything to do with him... I explained the above to him.

Now... my bf RARELY initiates. He subtly invites. If I don't make a move with that... he doesn't do anything. It'll lead to crap sex, because he knows I don't really want it. And he won't go there.

I don't have the gumption to get there right now, and I feel very bad about that. I feel guilty. I feel like I am letting us down. So we talked about THAT... not 'how come you don't WANT me?' I do want him. I just don't have the energy right now to get me there. I'm 'taking care' of people right now, and that does NOT feed sexual desire.

So he hugs me and kisses me and kind of rubs my back and we go to sleep.

Today... his whole persona changed... he's become... a MAN magnet. I don't know if I can describe it... just that... his looks are smokey... his hugs are smokey... his little kisses are smokey... and he WALKS AWAY from me. \:\) ZOWEEEEEE... WHEW DOGGIE. He has not touched one erogenous zone... he has not said one thing to me about sex, or desire, or anything... but I want to touch that man in all kinds of ways right now....

He is... inspiring me? I've noticed it, certainly. It makes me smile. It touches me. Not one cross word has he spoken to me. Not one. He just doesn't want crap sex and he will NOT accept it. So I guess he's doing his part to get the kind of sex he wants... and that feeds my 'desire' beyond just having an O. He's.... helping me. Not putting me down, calling me names, asking me why I've seemingly changed...

I'm pretty impressed, right now.