Below is something that was eerily familiar to my own situation and feelings so I decided to add it on, I went capitals with my own additions.
Well put. For so long we focused only on improving ourselves, on identifying what our shortcoming were and listening to the complaints and needs of our S's, and making changes in ourselves. Suddenly, we find that our suppressed issues scream out for some attention.
OK, here are some of the issues I am dealing with:
1. Reassurrance that the OG is out of the picture forever. I still have many suspicious moments. They are based on nothing more than fear, really, and I don't put enough stock into them to do any snooping, but they're there. I've asked my W to try to provide reassurrance, but she rarely does. I STILL SEE THE OG SOCIALLY AS DOES MY WIFE SO IT BRINGS THE FEAR OF HIM CONTACTING HER AGAIN COME CLOSE TO HOME. UNTIL HE FACES ME MAN TO MAN, AND SAYS IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN, I CANNOT FULLY TRUST HIM OR MY W.
2. Apparent unwillingness on the part of my W to work on the R. I say "apparent" because I think she thinks she is working on the R in her own way. However, she still avoids all of the following: R talks (including discussing my needs and issues, discussing the OG and the A, and discussing how we can improve our R), reading any R books or information on websites, going to a MC, etc. She seems to think that if we just both try harder (but especially me), that will fix all the problems. I HAVE THE DB AND DR BOOKS ALONG WITH DVDS AND CD'S BY MICHELLE, NOT EVEN AN INKLING OF INTEREST, YET I SAY THAT THERE ARE SO MANY COMMON THREADS AND SIMILARITIES.
3. Continued justification of the A / lack of remorse. This continues to annoy and sometimes enrage me. She seems to alternate between feeble "I'm sorry"s and outright disdain for my feelings about this. LACK OF REMORSE AND EVEN A SORRY EVERY NOW AGAIN WOULD MEAN THE WORLD TO ME. WHATEVER WORLD THEY LIVED IN, THEY CONVINCED THEMSELVES THAT IT WAS OK, AND THAT FEELING STILL LINGERS.
4. Coupled with #3 (and perhaps #2, come to think of it), my struggle to forgive. For some reason, which probably needs further investigation, I am further away from forgiving now than I was a month ago. I THINK IT IS EASY TO FORGIVE SOMEONE WHO IS SORRY AND FEELS REMORSE, FORGIVING FOR ITS OWN SAKE IS NOT GOING TO SATISFY OR RELEASE ME,
5. Reminders of the A. There was an episode of NYPD Blue on the other night that included a storyline about an A between this guy's W and a guy whose first name was the same as the guy my W had an A with. Hit way too close to home and I had to turn the channel. I KNOW THE PLACES, I HAVE BEEN THERE SINCE WE WERE MUTUAL FRIENDS AND MY MIND GOES THERE OFTEN. USED TO BE EVERY DAY, AND NOW LESS AND LESS, YET THERE ARE REMINDERS AND THE MOVIES AND TV DO ADD TO IT. THE ROMANCE AND EROTICISM PORTRAYED IN THE MOVIES ABOUT AFFAIRS MAKES ME TRULY ILL.
6. Occasional attacks of "this is never going to work" thinking. While things continue to improve generally, it seems almost every time we have even relatively small arguments, that's the first thing I think. Divorce never used to enter my mind - now it enters regularly, even though overall my attitude about it hasn't changed (i.e., I love her too much, it would be terrible, kids would be devastated, etc.) SOMETIMES, BUT MORE SO DUE TO # 2 FOR ME.
7. Resentment of her decision to have the A, and the resulting permanent loss. She didn't have to have an A to get my attention. She took something (the exclusivity of her intimacy with me) away from me and shared it with another. That can never be undone. We can improve many things, perhaps even have a M that is better than ever, but that unique aspect, that specialness, is gone forever. OUR WEDDING SONG WAS RANDY TRAVIS FOREVER AND EVER AMEN, I AM THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN SING IT NOW. TOO EARLY TO TELL HOW IT WILL BE SEXUALLY SINCE WE HAVE ONLY DONE SOME DRUNKEN FOOLING AROUND. TERRIFIED TO GET MY MENTAL MOVIES IN BED.
8. Trust issues related to the A in general, and all the lies. This one's a no-brainer, just thought I'd through it in for completeness. IF I START TO THINK OF THE TIME LINES AND THE LIES IT SPIRALS OUT OF CONTROL. IT IS WAY BEYOND MY COMPREHENSION AND EVEN UNDERSTANDING THE WOMAN I MARRIED AND THE WOMAN I LOVE WAS CAPABLE OF THAT. I SO STRONGLY AGREE WITH MICHELLE WHEN SHE TALKS ABOUT ERASING ALL THAT WAS GOOD IN THE MARRIAGE IN ORDER FOR THE MIND AND HEART TO ACCOMODATE THE WRONG DOING.
Well, this list doesn't include anything about what works or how to cope, so it's not too helpful in that regard. Maybe I can construct some ideas on that later.
THAT FELT VERY GOOD, AND I AM CONSUMED TODAY SO NEED TO FIND A WAY TO UNWIND.
