Walk Away Wife - My Sitch

[JennyF]

b,
It all sounds so positive. I have to say that I think you can thank yourself for this progress. I think whatever you're doing is working and you should keep doing it. With the Dec 1st thing...use the 48 hr rule. Think about it and see how you feel in a couple days.
I did this with the e-mail I was going to send H and boy am I glad I didn't send it!
I'm so glad things are moving in the right direction for you...and somewhat jealous!!
J~

[Wooglint]

B,

Happy for you. Keep up the good work.

[Pudmuddle]

Hi B,

Catching up on your post and this whole new development sounds incredibly good! She is starting to warm up to you very well. She is confused by your calmness because she was expecting a reaction from the old you. People often have EAs/PAs because there was an emotional need not being met with you. But you already knew that. So it really has nothing to do with your R, it is a symptom of a problem in your R, and that is something you want to fix. I think you did fantastic. And letting her know that you didn't need her, but wanted her was an awesome thing to say. Of course, she wants you to pursue her now, because she sees you drawing away, so she is curious. Keep being calm and nice like you are, and she will want more.

I'm so happy for you and this nice progress, just remember to keep going slow. Cheers and Hugs to you!

[bhopeful]

Hi all. Thanks so much for the comments. I've decided that I'm going to stick with what I've been doing for now since it seems to be working. She called me again today just to chat and suggested that we get together sometime this weekend.

I know that I need to be patient, but it's soooooo hard. I want to jump all over this progress, but I know that I can't push.

PM, thank you for your words on the EA. I never really thought of it that way. She said that she feels foolish for letting it happen and that she never wanted to do that to me. I don't feel too bad about it since I know that she needs to have someone to talk to. She said that she talks about me and or R a lot.
Peace,
B

[JennyF]

B,
I think it is a good point about the EA. My H started his PA with an EA by talking about his problems in our M...they were swapping spouse stories. Wish I'd known we were having problems then I might have been able to do something about it.
Great that you are in this sitch now BEFORE it turned PA...well...not great that you're in this sitch, but I guess I'm saying it could be worse!!. You know what I mean!

Keep it going...J~

[bhopeful]

So, after close to 10 weeks I finally decided that it was time to sleep in the bed again. After she left I couldn't bring myself to sleep in our bed alone. I thought that if I did I would be admitting to myself that she wasn't ever coming home. I don't know what changed for me. If it is the fact that we seem to be having some positive progress in our R or that I've finally detached enough. I didn't try to go into bed until I couldn't keep my eyes open any longer, so falling asleep wasn't a big deal. Waking up this morning was hard though. I woke up facing where she normally would be and seeing the empty spot was hard. So emotionally this morning wasn't too fun, but I can tell you that my body thanked me! I was starting to get pretty sore every morning from sleeping on a lumpy couch...

[JennyF]

B...I think this is a great step for you. Each night will get easier.

For the first few weeks my son was born I've been having him sleep in the bed with me (easier than getting up and down after a c-section!). I thought...he's the new man in my life anyway!!
I've been trying to get him to sleep in the bassinet for the past few nights and I must admit it does feel pretty lonely. I still find myself sleeping to one side...leaving it open for H I guess.

I don't know what changed for me. If it is the fact that we seem to be having some positive progress in our R or that I've finally detached enough.

Probably a bit of both...who cares, you did it. Shows you're taking care of yourself...and your back!
J~

[bhopeful]

So I thought that I really blew it tonight. At least I was very confused for a bit. Here's what happened.

My W called me yesterday and said that she needed her winter coat and a few other things from the house. I told her she could either come over, meet up, or I could bring it to her place. We decided to play it by ear and decide later. In the same conversation she told me how she didn't have any money left for the week. Fast forward to today. She called several times while I was hanging out with my dad and brother. I ended up being able to talk to her around 4. She wanted to meet up, but I could tell that she didn't want to drive very far. So, I suggested that I could pick up dinner from her favorite restaurant and bring it up to her place. She agreed to that and I thought everything was fine. I told her that I wouldn't stay long, but it would be nice to see her.

When I got to her place, we both were really hungry so we dug right in. Afterwards we talked a little in her kitchen and then I could tell that she wanted me to leave. I went to put my coat on and she said that I didn't have to leave right then, but I said that I could tell that she wanted me to. (Stupid me.) We didn't get into an argument, but I let my feelings show. I thought that I would get to stick around a bit longer and the fact that she was shuffling me out the door made me upset. She said that she doesn't know what to do with me and that we'd seen each other too much recently. A few more things were said that I can't remember, but I do know that I wanted to leave really bad before I really lost it. I said goodbye and tried to leave, but she stopped me and gave me a hug and a kiss and asked me what I was doing for the rest of the night.

Once I got in my car, I decided that I wanted to drive for a bit, so I took the back way home. By back way, I mean out in the boonies where I can't get a cell phone signal. It took me probably a half hour to get back to civilization and in that time she had called me five times and left a message. She explained to me that she didn't feel comfortable yet just sitting around with me. She said that she would have been alright if we were doing something. I told her that I could understand that and that there were no hard feelings. She then suggested that we could get together later in the week and play guitars or something. I told her that I would like that. She said that she had learned a new song that she wanted me to hear.

So, while initially I thought that tonight was a disaster, I think that I came out of it pretty well. At least I know that I'll be able to sleep tonight. As always, insight is more than welcome.
Peace,
B

[JennyF]

Hey B,
I don't think anyone would have been able to keep their poker face on in that situation. There is still a lot of positives in there and she obviously is feeling bad about the vibe she's giving off. 5 calls??

I can imagine how hard it must be to be in these situations and not reach out to her. When my H and I were still communicating in this way a couple weeks after the bomb that was my biggest challenge...unfortunately I hadn't found DB'ing at the time and I know I did a lot of damage.

She's still making plans with you and sounds like she's sharing mutually fun things like the guitar playing. Go with it...let it be on her terms.
You're doing great!
J~

[bhopeful]

Hi Jenny,

I try really hard to let it be on her terms. I thought that I was tonight, but she must have seen it as pushy as she acted the way that she did when I was there. I need to work on my "duck back" so that I can let things like this roll right off.

I do find a lot of what happened tonight encouraging. I just got frustrated for a bit.

How are things on your end of the internet?

B