Long and bumpy road

[JAK58]

I want to suggest going after Child Support also.

Do you think XH would play you so he doesn't have to pay?

JAK

[Startingover2]

I needed more than a 2 x 4! Thank you. Hit away. I am going to work on the letter right now.

[Startingover2]

Ok, here are my preliminary thoughts. All input welcome...Thanks.



Dear DH:

Once again I know you are still maintaining a relationship with OW. You never called it off with her and if you did it didn’t last long. Please don’t waste your breath or text messages defending your innocence. I do not want to hear it. Let’s lay it out. It never ended and that is something I cannot live with nor should I.

The lies and unfaithfulness have become too much for me. I have worked so hard to trust you again only to find out that you are not a trustworthy person. You violated my trust, not once but repeatedly for all these months. I am no longer special to you, I am just one of a crowd. It just won’t work for you to hopscotch between OW and myself, sleeping with us both and trying to make it all seem so normal. It is actually pretty disgusting and a clear lack of integrity on both of your parts.

I think it is best that you stay away. I cannot and will not live this way. I have family and great friends that will love and support me through the rest of this pregnancy and help me make the final preparations for our daughter’s birth. I so wanted to do this with you, for you to be my rock, my best friend and my partner. To bring our child into this world with love and not secrets and deception.

I will contact you and keep you posted regarding our daughter with doctor visits and her progress, etc. I will be making a doctor’s appointment this week to be checked for STD’s. That could be very dangerous to her and don’t want to risk it.

[JAK58]

Sounds good to me but i think you should talk to C abiout it and see if it should be worded any different or if you should add more.

Remember the boundries that you set. I wouldn't call him every time you talk or go to the Dr. either. Only when warranted.

You might want to say i will keep you posted on any specifics regaurding our daughter. That way you will not have to contact all of the time. Leave the work to XH to grow up and become more responsible.


JAK

[Startingover2]

Counselor thought it was good. She also thought it would be good to wait until after Thanksgiving. Right now I am too emotional and wound up and want my letter to be not given in anger, but factual and reality. She also encouraged me to keep in mind the letter and going dark are to protect myself...not given as an ultimatum because knowing him, chances are he will not want to be shown up and will continue walking. He is so prideful and wants to be the dumper and not the dumpee. His mother told him that in a letter she wrote him when he left over a year ago...you left (me) before she had a chance to leave you.

Yuck...I am so tired I think I can sleep for days. But then I try and sleep and I can't. I think I have gotten maybe 3 hours total in the past 3 nights. This poor baby will come out a stress ball.

Only heard from dh once today. He asked if I needed him to pick up something when he was working today for Thanksgiving. I just replied that I already had my oldest daughter pick it up...thanks anyway. Never heard from him again.

Please keep the words coming. I check this board multiple times a day...especially when I feel weak. I hope you are doing well.

[sandi2]

Well, if I were writing it (and I'm not this is you), but I probably would say it differently. I wouldn't play the martyr. That way, he can't come back at you with defense or more lies. I may be wrong, but you kind of remind me of my little sister. She could let her xh talk her into anything and she never had the courage to stand her ground with him. So, even if you have to do it in a letter or have somebody with you everytime he comes around, until you get through it to face him down....whatever it takes. But anyway, what I started to say was, that I think if it were me, I would just tell him that I first thought that I could not live without him and that I would die when I found out about the OW in his life. I also thought that he would surely see that I was the better person and I had depended on his smarts to bring him to his senses and come back home. (Don't put yourself down by saying anything about trying to be a better wife, etc.) But, I have decided he wasn't as smart as I had first thought. I have also discovered that I had taken all the disrespect I was going to take in my life that I could live without him just fine and in fact I had decided that was what I prefered to do. I took a good look at myself and considerd the fact that I am still young and attractive and that there were plenty of men out there that would be thrilled at being with me. (Don't say as a wife....just leave it as is....lol).


Tell him that you can work out a schedule to see his children, but otherwise you had no desire to see him nor talk to him that had nothing to do with anything outside the children or business. Since you are legally divorced, perhaps those are already in effect. Anyway, if they aren't you could add that if anything else will be handled through your lawyer. You do have one, don't you? If not, sweetie, get one before you give him that letter and take him to the cleaners!

I want you to come here and let us build you up. Your self-esteem is beaten down. You need to know that you are much too valuable to be treated like he has done you. Take a lot of pride in yourself. Keep yourself dolled up. Dress to kill (especiall him....lol). Go get a new hair-do....go with a differnt color. Do something crazy......like get a pedicure. In other words, do something special for you. You deserve it. Be good to yourself. Go check out a bunch of self improvement books at the library and go to work on yourself. It is not to get him back, but to feel good about yourself and build that pride up. Read inspiration books.

I think I was cutting and pasting and meant to put this in somewhere............lol

In other words, I'm saying for you to let him know that you have decided that YOU DON'T WANT HIM!! Get it? In your letter, you are still kind of saying...."Oh poor little me.....I tried so hard, but you still don't want me." So, don't put yourself down one little bit. Put him in his place by letting him know that you are WANTING to move on WITHOUT him! Trust me, you will see shock waves like never before. B/c he is so used to having his way! He is used to you taking the blame for his unhappiness.

[Startingover2]

Very interesting point. Tonight I will try and rewrite some of the letter to be stronger. You are right, I do feel incredibly beaten down. Like I never have before and I am supposed to be growing a healthy child and feel like I am on the edge of a breakdown.

He was just here all of about 5 minutes. His daughter borrowed my daughters phone charger. I was pleasant and sweet to her, but it took everything I had not to just slap him across the face. I tried to act 'as if' but I think he sensed something was up. Conversation was akward at best and very casual. When he left I didn't make a move to kiss or hug him and said have a good night. I know his kids were going to friends homes and he will be alone and I couldn't get him out of here fast enough. It was like the pain was stabbing, but at the same time looking at him made me sick knowing the double life he is leading.

As I start preparing for Thanksgiving today I kept telling myself I am doing this for my and his kids and for his family whom I love. I was doing it to please him, but no longer.

Oh BTW, OW must have changed her cel provider to the same as his so I will not be able to detect text messages as easy between them until the detailed bill comes once a month. I was bummed at first, but its probably for the best. I must have logged on to his account 50 times a day. Became obcessive. Maybe this will help me detach a bit.

UPDATE as I was typing this...he just sent a text. "sorry for not being sociable just now. I have had a long 2days and I am tired." Oh poor baby...what juggling two women must be exhausting. Pathetic bastard...

You guys are wonderful. You know I haven't told any of my friends here. I can't. They have no clue or understanding. You all give me great solid advice, mixed in with a casual 2 x 4, and support me as well. I thank you so much.

[JAK58]

SO2

Let us know what you write. Im'e glad to hear that you are rewording it. I thought about this last night and it does seem in the letter that you can't live without him. We all know that you will be alright on your own as you have wonderfull support here.

You are making these choices because you will not tolerate any more of his BS, let him know that in how the letter is worded.

Thinking of you

JAK

[sandi2]

Good for you! But listen to this that you said:

When he left I didn't make a move to kiss or hug him and said have a good night.

This does not sound like divorced people to me. You ARE divorce, right? Divorced people do not kiss and hug and sleep together, so stop feeling guilty about it. I want you to get this through your sweet head. He does not deserve nor is he entitled to any affection from you. He gave up all those rights when he divorced you. It is way past time to start acting like an exwife to him! Perhaps you will consider putting that in your letter to him, that you plan to start conducting this relationship as a divorce couple and there will be no more special privledges.

You never answered my question about his daughter. Does she live with him? Surely you are not keeping her also. I know that if the kids are close that it will be difficult on them, but that is part of what divorce is all about. He should take responsibility for his own kid(s) and you should not have to entertain them and their friends. Your lawyer can help you come up with some fair schedule for visitation.

I hope you will start setting some small goals for yourself each day. For an example, set a goal to get through the day without any messages to him or returning any for one whole day. If he calls and wants to know why you have returned his text messages, just tell him that you have been too busy. You don't owe him anything.....please, please get that through your head. You are way, way too nice to him! Just b/c you are having his baby does not give him any special rights in your personal life. You don't have to talk to him on the phone or computer.....nothing. So, try to get through just one day. Then set a goal for the next day. Maybe the same one, maybe a different one.....like not checking to see if there has been any contact with OW, etc. Sweetie, you cannot be free of them until you stop obsessing with them. Who cares what they do, how often, where, or how? They are just ruining each other, but they are not taking you down with them b/c you wised up in time.

You are going to be so proud and feel so much better when you reach the first couple of goals. Just baby step you way through this. I am the type of person that wants to tackle the whole mountain at once and then get discouraged. I am having to learn to take baby steps. I think you have the type personality that you will have to prove to yourself that you can do this. You can! Make up your mind that they are not going to determine your happiness any longer. You are going to be in charge of your happiness from this point on. You will not depend on your exhusband or anyother man to make you happy again, you will make yourself happy. That is not to say you couldn't be happy with another man.....lol. But, I know you aren't ready for that now.

While you are making little daily goals.....baby steps, I hope you will do as I suggested before and do some things for yourself to lift your spirits and self-esteem. Most of all, eat healthy and take excercise while you are pregnant. Keep yourself looking good, that is the best morale booster.

I don't know anyone else that I have wanted to help quite as badly as I want to help you. I hope you know that everything I say is with great concern for you.....even though I don't know you. I don't want to see you taken advantage of any longer. When you see that you are much too valuable to be treated the way you have been by this man, you will have the strength to make it through anything where he is concerned.

You are a good person and a good mother. There is somebody out there that is waiting for you, sweetie. Somebody that will be good to you and love you and treat you the way you deserve to be treated.....like a cherished queen. So, go prepare yourself.

[sandi2]

Today is Thanksgiving and I am wondering how you are making it through the day.

I thought of something else and better jot it down or I'll forget it. This may sound silly, but some C suggest doing it, so try it out and see if it helps you. Every morning take a few moments (even if it is just when you are in the bathroom) to talk to yourself. Look at yourself in the mirror and give yourself a good positive talk. The more you reinforce belief in yourself the better you will become. Even if you don't think you can do certain things or you don't think you ARE certain things right now.....positive belief can be very powerful. If we start practicing or acting as if we are that person we would like to be then one day we will discover that we indeed have truly developed into that very person. A reporter asked Carey Grant, the great movie star of years gone by, how he got to be such a sexy lady's man. To make a long story short....that is what Carey did every day....he got up and pretended all day that he was the best looking most debonair actor in Hollywood. Sure enough, he was!

So, I hope you will do that also. If you need confidence, tell yourself that you are a confident woman and can handle anything that life throws at you today. If you are timid, tell yourself that you are not afraid or shy and that you will look people right in the eye when you talk and hold your head up high as you walk. Don't feel petty while your pregnant? Act it anyway. Some people think women are their most attractive when they are pregnant. I could go on for hours with this kind of stuff, but you get the idea. Self talk is good therapy as long as you build yourself up and don't ever, ever put yourself down. I got real bad about calling myself names and putting myself down. I got in pretty bad shape and had nobody to blame but me. Oh there was a cohort at work that was making my life miserable, but I just added to what she was trying to do buy becoming my own worst enemy. So, it can work both ways. You need to be your best friend! There were times that I hated myself so badly, and the bad thing is....you can't get away from yourself. So, we have to learn to like ourselves before anyone else can like us. If there is something we can change...then change it, if not...then learn to accept it.

I will be anxious to hear from you, so hope you will contact me soon. Take care.

Sandi2