I have been posting on the newcomers forum for a couple weeks now and I am in need of some direction with regards to my H's life crisis.
He is not in Mid-life crisis, as he is only 29, but is in transitional crisis. Everything I have read on this forum including all of the stages are EXACTLY I've been experiencing. It's like someone scripted my life.
Some details are in my signature...a quick overview of my current status... H dropped bomb Sept 10th, he flip flopped from saying he wanted to try to fix us to it being over in a matter of days. I was 8 months pregnant at the time and he's been having an affair for 9 months (the pregnancy was planned). We have a 2 1/2 year old D and now have a one month old B. He says it's over and is trying to move things along quickly. It doesn't matter that I've just had a baby. He's displaying all the selfish characteristics I've read about and this is NOT the man I married!
At bomb drop...he could see the light at the end of the tunnel...but has gone so deep into the darkness that he is lost. BUT, he believes he is perfectly fine and is pursuing is R with OW (who is 10 yrs older than H and twice divorced).
He is moving fast and wants me to consider selling the house. I backslid tonight when we discussed it and told him I wasn't ready to think about it. That I'm not emotionally ready to look at those important decisinns right now based what I've had to deal with the last 2 months and having a newborn. The conversation turned into a fight. He doesn't get it and is REALLY mad at me.
Up until this point I have been DB'ing my butt off and doing well. He's been getting angrier and angrier. He's trying to pick fights with me and I'm not biting. At some point he's going to have to look in the mirror. But I feel like I took a thousand steps back tonight regarding the selling the house conversation.
He is moving things along so quickly and I have no idea how to respond. How do I protect and look out for what is right for me while not being argumentative?
I want to understand more about the stages. I've read all of the links on MLC and can really relate to all of it. I believe H is in Replay and is at the point where we're waiting for the awakening. Are their triggers for this?
I'm hoping to find some support here to help me understand what to do. Each time we have conversations like tonight I feel it is another nail in the coffin of our marriage. I look forward to hearing any feedback. J~
M 35 H 29 M 4 yrs T 9 yrs D 3 S born 10/19/07 Bomb 09/10/07 Separated next day OW - broke up and H moved out 09/07/08 Status - still figuring this out
He's trying to pick fights with me and I'm not biting.
Standard operating procedure for WASs - pick a fight with the LBS, then justify their leaving by saying "see? That's why I couldn't stay with you"
You are wise to not take the bait. Stick to the high road. "I won't stand in your way, but I cannot deal with this right now with a newborn" is a good answer. If he persists, you can also use the "please speak to my lawyer about all financial matters". Trust me, no judge in the world would make you sell the house tomorrow.
If he's pushing to sell, get good legal advice. And try to think about what would be best FOR YOU. Meanwhile, the DB trick is to APPEAR as if you're cooperating with a divorce, while secretly dragging your feet.
Do you have a support order in place? If not, you may need to do that. As long as he's paying the bills and giving you money, fine - but the second it looks like he's going to stop, get your attorney to act. Meanwhile, if there's any way you can skim some cash from the household budget, and hide it under a mattress, you may want to have an emergency fund.
He's feeling guilty about what he's doing, that's why he's pushing so irrationally.
Part of my H's problem is that he is this vision of some grand life with a big house, big SUV blah blah blah. He wants to get this financial stuff divided up bw is so he can proceed w/ making it happen for himself (and I believe he is making these plans w/ OW). Early MLC alright.
We're still managing the $$ together for now and bills are being paid ok...he seems to think we can do this w/out lawyers to save the $$. But I said to him that's only if I agree to whatever he wants. I'm thinking I'm going to have to retain a lawyer to ensure I'm taken care of properly.
He's feeling guilty?? I know this is probably true...but man he is not showing it. This is why I am posting on the MLC forum because I really want to have a better understanding of what is really going on with him. I don't see any end is sight as things are actually progressing and I'm wondering how far down this road he will go before he wakes up??
"Believe none of what you hear and only half of what you see", but he is quite serious about all this. But I still don't want to believe in my heart that he is capable of the much cruelty!
I know about the rollercoaster, I'm obviously on it...but how do I keep from feeling like I'm going to throw up all the time!! J~
Me 53 H 51 OW 25 Bomb may 06 left june 8/ 06 ILYBNILWY (twice!) 7/6/07 H wants to come home 7/21/07 H comes home 7/07 -7/08 long haul letting go of OW now piecing in earnest
Legal council may be a good idea. You need to protect yourself first (even before trying to save your M). Do not be surprised by how much cruelty he can dish out. Brace yourself, dig your heels in, and don't allow yourself to get sucked in.
Hold your head up, Jenny. You are doing just fine.
Me29 H33 D9 months S2 S9(previous R) Sep 8-19-07 I file 11-5-07 H home (Retro) 2-15-08 "Today is the tomorrow of yesterday." -- S9
Thanks for the advice on the lawyer...I think it's time to bite the bullet and retain one.
My personal problem right now is that I just had a baby 5 weeks ago and the bomb was dropped 11 weeks ago...so emotionally and hormonally I'm all over the map so I don't feel I'm in a place to be making serious financial decisions like selling the house while I'm on maternity leave(in Canada we get a year off with about 1/3 of my pay).
See...a reasonable person with morals (like the man I married) would be able to see this and would understand where I'm coming from. But not the monster he's turned into. When he first dropped the bomb he was telling me and everyone else that he wasn't going to pursue the R w/ OW and that he was going to focus on taking care of his family. He was going to do what he had to be here for the kids and for me. I believe this would go along with he could still the light at the end of the tunnel at this point. But every two weeks he seems to get further and further into the darkness and is more and more firm about his decison. Not to mention the R w/ OW (which was over when bomb dropped) has progressed and now he is talking about 'maybe' buying a house w/ her. So that explains the rush to sell the house.
He's being EXTREMELY cold and angry with me. Again, this is so unlike him. I think that seeing me is what is making him angrier and angrier. He wants me out of the picture and fast. It's killing me to see him look at me the way he does and know that he has so much pent up anger in there and it's ALL directed at me. I know it's not my fault and I know it's misdirected...but I've got to have pretty thick skin to deal with this especially given the circumstances.
He's taking D on Sunday...I need to have the conversation with him where I say I don't want her meeting OW...any advice on how to best go about this and defend my position if he pushes. I know it is not best for her, but he has this way of ALWAYS saying "the kids will be fine".
I know today is Thanksgiving in the US so it may be why there aren't many people posting, but I appreciate any feedback I can get. Happy Thanksgiving to everyone!! J~
M 35 H 29 M 4 yrs T 9 yrs D 3 S born 10/19/07 Bomb 09/10/07 Separated next day OW - broke up and H moved out 09/07/08 Status - still figuring this out
Jenny, I just wanted to say that for what you are dealing with, you sound very put together and I really admire you. I don't have alot of advice because I don't have children but I know others here will chime in. I am so very sorry you are going through this, especially just having had your son. How is he, by the way? I also want to point out to you that clearly your H is going through something very bad, for him to be able to do this as his son is being born. I hope I am saying this kindly, but what I mean is it takes a very messed up guy to do this at this point in time, in your lives. It sounds like he wants to run away from responsibility and that is exactly what he is doing. I would definitely get a lawyer, and when you tell him/her your situation, I am sure they will be more than happy to advise. You're in my thoughts and prayers. Hope
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
"If that OW was a true love to him, she would say go home and work things out with your family"
Isn't that the darned truth???? Of course they are not true loves because they think of themselves first.
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
