Glad you checked in, Julie & RHW. I hope others will share some gratitude stories today, too.
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This morning I feel grateful.

We had our T-Day yesterday-- Wednesday-- and I highly recommend that for everyone. This morning as everyone else is lighting their ovens and preparing to spend the day in the kitchen, WE ALREADY HAVE OUR YUMMY LEFTOVERS! Heh heh heh. Turkey, dressing, sweet potatoes, mashed potatoes, cranberry sauce, and THREE pies-- he baked them all from scratch-- pumpkin, pecan, and his specialty: a fudge pie. \:\) No pressure to do anything today at all. It's like getting your homework done a week ahead of time or turning in your taxes on April 1 or something. We all feel quite smug this morning!

Also, being here and watching him take care of his mom-- I gotta say, it is a beautiful thing. Watching him heat her food just so, coaxing her to eat something, and yet not hovering in an obnoxious way... it's heartwarming-- truly. And she is loving having us here. She has always wanted her home to be a center of activity, but she has let her own house slide so much that no one can really get in there. But here yesterday with me and bf, bf's daughter, and my late H's cousin, she was just beaming.

This morning she has already called a couple of her siblings around the country (she's one of 7, and all are living except one), and she's been weeping a little at intervals-- with gratitude. Gratitude is good medicine-- I'm sure of it.

He's doing everything he can to make her comfortable. She's up and around and walking and everything, but weak, and food just doesn't taste good. Things have to be just the right temperature or they just won't go down. She has to eat with a spoon or she feels queasy. A lot of their conversation is about the food and how it does or doesn't taste good, and how much she managed to eat or not eat. I think this is normal for chemo. My other friend who's caring for her partner who's on chemo spends a lot of time looking for food that her partner can keep down.

I so remember this with my late H. When he was on dialysis, it was a challenge to find stuff he could eat. I call the renal diet the "no food" diet-- no potassium, limit phosphorous, of course, limit everything that has a lot of water in it-- in short, very limited fruits and vegetables. I planted a garden with just the renal-permitted vegetables... beans, cabbage, I forget what else. I knocked myself out just as my bf is doing-- for 10 years. I don't think he will be doing this for 10 years. \:\( I hope she has a few years left to enjoy this lovely apartment and the way we can all be with her in her home-- something that has not been possible for many years. But I digress somewhat...

A little while ago, I rolled into the kitchen and told him, "Watching you take care of your mom with such devotion is a beautiful thing." He hugged me and thanked me and said, "I've got some devotion left-- I gotta take care of my sweetie, too." And he really focused on me and we really connected. Both of us "got" at the same time that this is something he has to do, BUT he also wants to take care of me, when it's possible. Being here for a day or two after my surgery will be good.

I still think we're going to have to come to a place where we recognize that we're friends not lovers... down the road. Right now, I am seeing his character in action, and it is beautiful. If he ever were capable of loving me as a lover, it could be wonderful... but I'm not sure he's capable of that much naked intimacy with a peer woman. Frankly, I question whether I'm capable of it either. This will do for now.