It's been a few weeks...not so sure how much I want to write, but there are some cool things that I have learned over the past couple of weeks.
It amazes me how through this whole process there are weeks to months where nothing changes, nothing is different, and then there are times in which life seems to change quickly and almost drastically.
For the past year I have been attempting to DB and I have been awful at it. Just awful at it. In retrospect, I just wasn't getting it. I don't know how to explain it, except to say that I guess I wasn't truly focusing on me. (And for anyone that has chosen to follow this, or will read through my old threads you will see what I mean and wonder how I could have been so blind to it - I don't have answer for you on that one.) My method of DBing was focusing on me with one eye on H to see how he was reacting - that's not true DBing - I don't think (clearly I'm still making sense of this).
After a recent C session in which I discovered that my whole point in wanting my H to work on our R was becuase I felt that if he didn't I was losing a battle (rather than a relationship) I decided to release him from all relationship requirements. I told him that I was no longer going to ask him to: attend family events, go with me on vacations, come to counseling, work on fixing our m, quit his job, end his R with ow, spend time with me, have dinner with me, hang out with me, etc. I took off my rings, packed away all my marriage self help books and began treating him as if he is my roommate. I basically stopped pulling at him and have let him go. His reaction has been quite interesting. He is beginning to get his life back on track - he bought a car, asks me to do countless things with him, tells me more "stuff" about his day, and has even gone back to the church that kicked him out due to his A (long story here, he just really feels like he has to deal with those people - he needs closure, I won't bore you with the details), comments about our future together, tells me all the time that he loves me, compliments me, assures me that his A is over and he is avoiding OW, etc.
We still have so far to go. I have seriously contemplated moving out. I'm working with C on figuring out why I would choose to be in a M like this rather than just moving on. I can't answer that question - wish I could. I'm not proud of staying in this M. I'm ashamed of being in it. I'm ashamed of him. This is the first time in the last 1 1/2 years that I have let myself feel like I deserve more - that is such progress.
I have a new view of M as a whole. I have come to realize that H and I view M very differently. My C drew me 3 pictures representing marriage - picture 1 is 2 circles side by side touching, picture 2 is 2 circles side by side slightly overlapping, picture 3 is one circle inside the other - essentially 1 circle. I said that I view M as picture 1, C said most likely H views M as picture 3 (I asked him later and he does). People that view M as picture 3 struggle with their own identity and often end up in affairs. They see M as constricting and commitment as terrifying because they can't envision where they fit into the M - they see that they have to lose themselves completely in order to function in the M. Those images have helped me incredibly. I have always viewed M as picture 1, but have acted like picture 3. My H has viewed M as picture 3 and has not been able to make that work in practicality - and who could and remain sane??
My goal is to operate as picture 1. I can't make ANY H a whole circle, but I can make me a whole circle and that really feels good. I went out for happy hour after work last week (h came by and joined us - he NEVER does that), started a ceramics class which is so much fun!, began going to C regularly, and am beginning my masters in the spring. I went away for a weekend with my family without H and will go away this weekend without H. I enjoy my family and am glad to be with them - H feels free to come and go as he pleases and that is making all the difference. It helps me too not to have to wonder where he is and what he is doing. I just don't think about it. Any time I start to "back-slide" I just think about the 2 circles. I've come to the conclusion that I can leave at any time I want and it's ok if I want to.
Stepping outside the comfort zone and being willing to be disturbed is really tough at first, but walking around in new skin feels good.
Me: 34 H: 39 M: 7 yrs H A 12/05-8/07
If what you say surprises me, I must have been assuming something else was true. - M. Wheatley
