Still trying - Not very well

[saffie]

Have a wonderful weekend!!!!

Saffie

[LoginName]

Hey Limbo, I know what you mean about that fear that the C will tell him that he should go. I had that fear. Our MC, in one of the first sessions, told us that this was not a "safe" place. We might not hear what we wanted to. And, he did ask me at least once why I wanted to stay with my W. He asked in a way that made me think it might be a mistake to stay with her. I think it was important that I saw the sitch from that angle; that I could chose to leave. Scary though.

In the end, based on what the MC was telling us, I think he secretly was rooting for us all along. He knew, that at least with my W, he couldn't just come out and tell her. :-)

So, I think that whatever the C tells your H, or you, or you both, that it will be for the best. Despite what the C says, it is still his and your choice. But, I have a hunch your C wants your M to work. I guess he mainly wants both of you to be healthy and work out any issues, but being in a good relationship is part of being healthy, right?

Have fun at the party. My W will be in town tomorrow night. I'm nervous and excited.

Have a great weekend.

[limbo]

Hello All

Just thought I would check in, haven't for awhile.
There really isn't much new, we went out to his work xmas party on the weekend, and had a good time...he said its the best time he has had in awhile.
But there is something, it feels like he is pulling away, very subtle, but its still there, and its worrying me a bit.

[JAK58]

Limbo,

DO you think he might be just working on his issues and needs a little space?

JAK

[saffie]

I think that is a good point jak.

Limbo - when I have stuff I need to sort out in my head sometimes I seem to withdraw emotionally from my H. I don't always realise I am doing it but he feels it and then pursues me. Then we just start to spiral downwards because I feel smothered and am not getting the space I need to sort my head out and he feels neglected and starts, (it feels to me), trying to control me and my actions.

Only yesterday I talked about this with my cognitive behavioural therapist and he told me that to withdraw slightly to sort one's head out was not uncommon but that I needed to let my husband know that that was what I was doing, to stop him stressing and pursuing me. I haven't brought the subject up with my husband yet but I will do so tonight.

Saffie

[limbo]

Thats a good way of thinking about it, I of course went to the wrong place!!
We start with our core group, which is another part of the retrouvaille process, we go to that tonight, so will see how things go with that.

[saffie]

I think you will grow and grow. The fact that your H wants to go and do all this is great. Good luck - not that it sounds like you need it.......

Saffie

[ediemarie]

Hi Limbo! Just catching up on your thread. Sounds like things are going really well for the two of you!

[limbo]

Thanks all!

I have realized something, or a few things about me and how I am looking at this whole thing.
H and I both realized yesterday that we seemed to have lost our connection...and was terrified, immediately went to the marriage is over.
However H didn't see that way, he just sees it as a minor bump, like alot of other bumps we have had, and we will get past it.

So I guess after everything that has happened, I just see it as the worst case, and I have to stop doing that, we now have tools and we need to use them, which we did, I was able to tell H what I think is the problem, we seem to be going back to our old ways more and more, he sits downstairs and I sit upstairs, and we don't talk for hours. And I feel like I make the effort, I will go down and sit with him. Or at least I used to, whereas he didn't do anything. He says he realizes that there is nothing stopping him coming up and sitting with me, and will try and do it more. So this is a big step for us.
We went to our first Core meeting with retro last night, and it was good, I think we will enjoy going, its a smaller group, and is alittle bit more intimate, and you share alittle bit more.
So it seems another crisis adverted!!

[saffie]

Good to see that you are recognising the warning signs - that's more than 50% of the battle I think.

It is so easy to slide back into the old ways and that is exactly what we have to avoid. I view my M as a constant work in progress now. I would be lying if I didn't say I wish there were times when it wasn't like that but I am banking on this 'working on it' getting to become so second nature that I don't notice having to do it after a while!!!! We'll see I guess.........

Happy TG

Saffie