I'm not ready to go down the divorce path yet. I want to make sure I am in a calm and at least partially healed state before I make that decision, even though at the moment, I do not want to be married to him.
In Oz, you have to be separated for one year and one day before you can get a divorce. there's no such thing as 'filing' for separation here (as far as I am aware). If we could agree (hey...if we could even at least discuss!) on things like child care and property settlement then we wouldn't have to go to mediation but that's not looking likely and frankly I'd like to have a third party present.
I haven't got a lawyer. I hate dishing out money (I know I know, I might just have to) and I got burned earlier in the year when I got charged $165 for a 20minute phone call. I don't know how to find a good lawyer that doesn't cost the earth and I earn too much to qualify for legal aid. I just need to gird my loins (?) and start asking around for referrals.
At this point, the only way I could change the locks is to take out an VRO on him (violence restraining order) and apart from last weekend which got dealt with, he hasn't been violent. I feel threatened by him but I think I'm just being paranoid and melodramatic.
Back to the phone call stuff. I react too easily to him and I am easily distracted myself. So I will need to train myself to stick to a topic until something concrete has been decided. I like the "I don't think that's relevant to [previous topic]. Can we finish discussing [previous topic]"
Or even just "Can we finish discussing [previous topic] please?"
It just occurred to me however, that I think that what I do a lot of the time is to change the subject because the subject is getting too emotionally close to home for me and I might have to 'divulge' my feelings that I am angry or scared or irritated or disgusted or uncomfortable with what we were talking about. I don't like to tell him how I really feel because I'm scared of his reaction. I don't want to be the bad person. Therefore I end up not saying anything at all, or sounding frustratingly wishy-washy which drives him nuts. I just wish I could find some cojones and say what I feel (though of course, that presupposes that I actually KNOW what it is I am feeling! - But that's my problem that I need to work on).
[whoops....MIL rang, got distracted]
I told her yesterday what had happened and she was ringing me to say she'd spoken with her husband (my h's dad). h's dad seems to be of the opinion that my h needs to be confronted with his behaviour, but my MIL is worried that by doing that, it will set h off again. I personally don't think that it would get that volatile - at that point. It would blow up sometime later when I wasn't expecting it.
But anyways...I need to go get ready for work. Thanks again Nik for your time, it's good to know people want to help.
