Why can't I do this....

[houndfan]

Thanks again Dom.

Not going to continue to volley this around. I will do what I can to be there for my W and kids. I guess I see your point about LRT/180. I really just need to be happy with the person that I am becomming and see what happens from there. I guess I will update as I have more to tell....

[fish]

Hound

Your wife is VERY confused. It is so obvious that she still has feelings for you. YOu absolutely can get her back... my wife took me out to lunch on Monday (she paid), we were making out on Monday, she went shopping for me today (I gave her a list) and is taking me on vacation tomorrow to a very nice resort. Does this sound like a guy on the road to divorce???

4 weeks ago she filed for divorce (it is now on hold).

Here is what you need to do...

1. Minimal contact - let her initiate ALL contact.
2. Go out a few nights with your friends and let her know about it.
3. REJECT her - make her think that you no longer want her and u are totally ok with divorce if that is what she wants. Let her know that that is not what you want, but you will respect her decision.
4. Ask for nothing... or ask her to do sh*t for you.

The more I ignore my wife, the more she reaches out to me. I can almost set my watch to it.

The more I talk about reconciliation, the more she wants to run away. She wants control, the more i back off, the more she pursues. Don't feed the beast. Took me awhile to learn this.

It's time to get your b*lls back.

"No one can take away your power.. only you can give it away."

Don't do it.

I took me 4+ weeks to learn this sh*t and it is working. Whenever I slip and talk about "R" she gets whacky. Put the ball in her court.

I was joking with someone the other day and I said that if I want a really great new marriage, when the wife asks me to come home I should tell her to go f herself.

Women want what they can't have.

[Hurtin4certain]

Hound... Ive seen this so many times before. She thinks you are the reason for EVERYTHING bad in her life. You have to remember that at the base of anger is pain. She's in pain man. All you can do is validate her feelings.

I agree with Braveheart, this is going to take a long time. Focus on baby steps right now, one foot in front of the other. If you continue to focus on your future, it will make it seem impossible. But trust me, Ive seen people survive this type of stuff.

IN the meantime, you need to change Hound. Not for her, but for Hound. You've done some bad things in your past but you still have time to make up for them. Open yourself to healing and be willing to work HARD to change yourself for the better.

[houndfan]

Thanks guys. Hurtin, I am in the process of moving back to CO which is home to me and I hope that when that happens that maybe we can all be a family again, I think that moving here was a big mistake, but I digress.

Here is the current update for those of you who are scoring at home...

Today was the day that Hound agreed to take the relentless puppy back to the pound. No this is not figurative speech, but I actually had to take our 10 mo old to the pound because she is out of control and with everything else in our life the last thing that anyone needs is additional drama and anxiety.

It was killer for me, because it is a reality that my life is really changing, not that I don't get that from being kicked out of my home, but this is a forever type of change. So, I get there and like a blessing there is a lady who is the wife of a vet waiting to pick up her dog that got out of a friends house and picked up by the dog catcher. Anyhow, she sees the pup and I and she could see that I was in obvious pain from this decision. We start to talk about the pup and it turns out that she and her husband (whom is a vet) have been looking for a little dog like this for their ranch. Pinch me, this is like the Twilight Zone. 2.5 acres, horses, cats, other dogs the whole bit and they wanted a little dog like this to "run" the horses. They are willing to take her if I would give her up to them. I confirmed that her H was a vet and that this was a real deal thing. And in tears I gave her away.....

Sooooo.... W calls to see how it went, told her and she was very happy. Boys seemed happy too that this happened and that God stepped in to help the pup. Then.... she gave me s*it about the phone call yesterday from another woman. For those of you who have been absent. Yesterday I was at the house doing some things that I have neglected and during the process I got a call from a girl that I had talked to Monday night while watching the game with my buddies and some of their wives/girlfriends.

Nice girl, very attractive, attorney, professional etc. Well, all I could talk about was my sitch and my kids and my dreams. You'd think that would turn off another woman, whatever. Anyhow, she called my buddy and asked for my number (same guy that set me up with tix to a concert that W wanted to goto). He of course gave her the number. She called and it was very brief stuff. How are you? Nice to meet you? Hope to talk to you again type of stuff? I was not expecting the call or I would not have taken it in front of W and kids, but I did not recognize the number.

Well, got off the phone and W asked who it was. Since I am trying to be transparent I told her exactly who it was, how she got my number, and that I was not interested. She was upset.

Well, today on the phone, she brought it up again and told me how inappropriate taking the call was. I agreed and validated. She kind of made a comment about how she never takes calls from OM in front of the kids and that I should do the same. Then she lamblasted my friend for giving out my number. How could he do this, does he not know that you are trying to save your marriage, have you told him everything, have you told him that it was you who cheated and not me, you who did the bad stuff and not me. Yada, yada....

So as I was listening and trying to keep my mouth shut it hit me. There is no accountability on her side at all. She really thinks that this OM is innocent and not cheating. It's not cheating because she is emotionally divorced right now so it's ok. Hmmmm... as I get my arms around that I almost agree with her, but it seems so strange to have that agreement. Oh well, neither here nor there.

Then the convo turned to X-mas and the fact that my folks have decided to come down from CO to be here considering the sitch. I told her the schedule and she seemed really happy. One of the issues that she has had through our marriage is this bitterness about her own family and the fact that her parents have basically abandoned her and she had to use my fam as surrogates. Anyway, she asked where they would stay and I explained at other family in the area.

Well why are they coming? To be with us, might be the last time they get this chance and they want to have a great Christmas with our family. She seemed almost happy about it. But trying not to look too deep.

Convo moved to upcomming community garage sale and what we should sell. Again very agreeable through the whole thing even through there are some things that I do not want to sell. Then she asks, yes I said asks, what we should do with the proceeds? She says "would you mind if we did x". Again, agreeable, yes W I think that is a great idea. Again it hit me, for the first time in my marriage, my thoughts are first about her happiness than my needs. Strange that this is my thought process now and that it was not prompted.

Well, we walked through that a little and I again used some of Michelle's and Homer's techniques (I hope that we can do that). I finally told her I needed to run. Well, she asked, what are we going to do tomorrow? Whatever you want to do, I said. Well I guess well do a turkey, I need you to come help me in the morning.

Viola, done. Fin.

Not much there, baby stepping away.

Have a great holiday to all of you who have been following my sitch! I'll be praying for you all....

[houndfan]

It just keeps coming....

In what was suppose to be a quick call (her words) she called to talk to me about her internet issues. It was fixed and now broken again, how can she run her biz etc. She asked if I could help her plan meals for the fam for the next 2 weeks even though I am not allowed to eat there.

So, I pulled a 180 - what would you like to eat don't worry about the boys, what would W like. She told me a few things, and I said you should buy for those meals. "But you guys won't eat them." It does not matter, I said you deserve to eat what you like. So we talked about the final 4 meals and she was excited to be planning a menu that was more for her than us. At one point she said that it is so hard to cook for her and hte boys, I did not respond.

Then she asked me if I think that I needed my allotment of $ for the next two weeks and I did not cave. I explained that yes I did because I need to eat and live my life etc. She did not argue, just tried to explain that we may not be able to pay something because of the money. I wanted to scream THIS IS YOUR CHOICE, but I bit my tongue because I know that she is really struggling with this as much as I.

Then I told her about my plans for Saturday with the boys, because some of the activities have changed. The guy I am hanging out with asked if his wife could join mine for the girls night out. So I asked her. She responded with "No, this is a single girls night not a married Christian girls night." I said ok, I think that would be good for you to have a night like that. She immediately said, "I am sorry it won't be that kind of night. If she wants to come she can." I said no, you need a night like that with your friends, and she told me she is going with her girlfriend that is basically going through the same thing as her. But she was sure several times to tell me that the night is not going to be what I think. I tried to agree and validate!

So that led to her telling me that she is not planning on picking up any guys. I said that it would not matter to me either way. I think that she needs to have that kind of night and it would be fun so she should just go and have a great time regardless of what happens. I could hear the gears in her head spinning on that one!

She then said that she never wants another man unless it's Jim Halpert. I laughed at that one....

Well then she asked me why I wanted to cook TG dinner with her. Before I could answer she said is it because I won't be around any more and you want to learn how to make the dinner? I said it doesn't make a difference if you will be around anymore or not, I want to learn how to make it because I enjoy cooking and think that in the future that it is not fair that I sit on my butt and watch football all day while the women (note that I said women) that I love have to cook all day and that I think that it would be nice to learn something helpful.

Again, no response from her at all. But this again was a huge 180 for me cause I usually do not want anything to do with this type of stuff.

So I then said I need to run and she asked why I am blowing her off. I said that I am trying to insure that I give her space and am not sure what I am suppose to do. I got a nice thank you and then some more conversation......

Hmmmmm.... I guess I can chalk this up to a good approach like my iron shot on 17 a few weeks ago.

[ms ladybug]

Good job. You're stronger than I'd be. I think you and I have been sep the same amount of time. But, my h is angry, and now I'm angry. It doesn't make for good r convos at all!

But, again, good 180's. Stay strong, and have a great Thanksgiving.

[houndfan]

Thanks Bug,

I am not sure that I am as strong as I think that I am. But I am trying to keep focus off of R talk we still have some very angry moments, but I am trying my best to diffuse them. I would suggest that you agree with everything and validate validate validate it has worked some wonders for me this week. Still no forward progress, but I think that maybe I have slowed the momentum.

She is no where near accepting that this may work or that she even wants to work on anything, but to be invited to the house to be pursued by her is very nice.

I just need the strength to DB tonight and tomorrow and make sure that I don't give anything back like I did last weekend....

[houndfan]

So I am such an dummy. Somehow, during the TG preparation W and I had sex. Long story, but she roped me in and I took the bait. In fact we did it 2x pretty quickly and then she told me that was it forever. Man I have been hearing that a lot lately, but she still pulls me back in.

What the heck do I do now, did I screw up all of my DB'ing for a romp in the hay? She had said that it was just physical and that she wants an emotional connection with someone... not me.

[fish]

Wow!

Man did I learn a good lesson from that one. My wife, kid and I are on vacation. There has been minimal physical contact. That I would not need.

Hang in there man.

Give her space, she will come back after that romp.

[mkultra]

Yeah, she used you. Probably best not to give in and continue rejecting her. But it is OK. She just wants control. Maybe there is a way to be physical as some people say but I do not see how in your case. You were doing fine so go back to DBing.