I guess, when you love (still learning about that too, though--could be the enmeshement) someone for so long, you would rather everything be your fault--if the blame was all on me, I could have changed things and fixed it all.
But NOTHING that I did had any affect on his heart--just the opposite. So how much was really my doing? I will continue to do my own Personal Inventory to learn what are my areas that I can grow in, but also areas of strength--I know I have many.
I keep forgetting that the alien spew is there to protect their own ego, the justifications are used to keep THEM tethered to the planet, their own defense mechanism. And if he isn't ready to see it, nothing I (or ANYone else) do can make him see it--or worse, he'll see it and not be able to handle the truth.
I wonder how many times I have to re-learn the same lesson before it really breaks through to the inner id (isn't that the part of you that is even deeper than the subconscious? trying to remember the term...). I am going to try mantras, maybe make a tape with some nice music and a calm voice telling me that "H is an a$$hole" over and over, to play while I'm sleeping! ;0)
Every time I learn the lesson, force him to tell me again that he is over, holds no worth to the marriage, won't consider therapy or reconcilliation, I get it at a deeper level. I think I am periodically MAKING him do these things just to get it through to my inner self.
As a perpetual visual person, I told my IC about the box I held inside since a kid--anything I couldn't handle at the time, I simply put those thoughts in the box and closed it with a pretty ribbon. The first time was when I tried to process mortality after the death of my grandfather, who was my major caretaker up until age 4. I had nightmares of Hell until I was 7 and finally put it away in the box. Still haven't peeked at that one too closely over the years. I have to learn to do that with thoughts of H, so that the good memories can still be looked at without the heartache and longing. Just because I am aware of a def. mechanism doesn't mean it can't work or is bad to use in every sitch. This might be an appropriate use.
{{{Sara, OT, Nikki, L, Dave, mk, morgan, neph, etc.}}} If you guys had to write a thesis, I probably provided all the fodder you could ever need! Thanks for sticking by me as my brain tries to wrap itself around this whole mess. I am amazed that, for someone who is normally pretty bright and quick to pick up on things, how long it has been for me to learn these lessons.
Have a Happy Thanksgiving if I don't talk to you all !
