What are you doing to yourself!!?? Please chill yourself out. Rob and I are gonna have to come out there and tie you up in a closet to protect you from yourself. You gotta stop the R talks. Do not confront her like that (Do you love some guy at work). If I were her, I would tell you yes just to spite you. Whether she loves someone else or not is not going to make you anymore or less appealing. Asking questions like those WILL make you less appealing.
Quote:
You are right.I do care about you and want to be your friend. I just don't want to be romantic. It is not what I feel and I haven't for a long time - you are right, never is probably not the right word. And I know you would do anything to please me right now.it is overwhelming for me. But it is also very frustrating.I do want space and I do need to live apart. If you won't move out, then the kids and I will and we can see how it goes. I just need my space.I feel like I can't do anything without you watching me or listening to me. And I need to talk to my friends right now and hang with them.
You are in the game. Look at the quote above. LISTEN to her. She is telling you exactly what she wants. You have road map for success, if you will follow it. She wants to leave to get away from the pressure. Stop the pressure and she might stay. You can stop the pressure today. How great is that? You could start saving your marriage today.
In all seriousness, I heard the very same things as you are hearing. THE EXACT SAME FRIGGIN' STUFF as you are hearing in the quote above. Until I listened and backed off, nothing changed. As recently as August I was told no romance, no sex, maybe ever again. Backing off was the key. Backing off kept my wife in the house. BACK OFF! You were doing SO well. Don't blow it.
Your thanksgiving script is: I am thankful that today I am able to spend time with the people I love. That's it. Don't say anything more.
Good luck. I feel like Teddy Atlas trying to get you through the 12th round. I think of you every day (in the most hetero of ways). I am with you friend. Go forth and bust...
Me 44 She 46 S13 D9 M18 T23 3 years DB'ing Successfully busted
I know..i keep totally blowing it. I do need to be duct taped and put in the closet. Maybe thats the best analogy that I need to back off.
I dont really feel like I'm in the game. She looks at me like I stole something from her. But, I guess there has been some positives in the past 6 weeks or so. I feel it's snowballing out of control.
Here's my plan. No emails or texts. Dont start conversation. No R talks. Be very, very distant.
DNOut...where do you stand today after hearing the same script?
Shut up! You are totally in the game. You gotta look at the positives. Go read Handful of Rain's sitch and tell me you got it bad then.
Where am I? OK because you asked... <hijack> You might have to ask specific questions, and I will answer pretty much anything, to get the answers you are looking for. Or if you want to email off list so your thread doesn't get mucked up with me that is cool too.
My wife says she feels the best about us that she has felt in years. We are not healed but are healing. We started having sex again on August 29th after 6 months of zero intimacy. Curiously, this past Sunday was the first time she was comfortable French kissing me. I got bombed roughly in October of last year.
Even as we heal, and she opens up, I am amazed at how deeply I had hurt her. I am stunned and find it hard to believe. This has been a lesson for me to learn. It don't matter what I think. Her pain is her pain and as real as anything. I also learned I was doing things that were hurting her and I didn't even realize. I had no idea I was such a dick! Like they say, stupid people don't know they are stupid; I guess jerks don't know they are jerks. I was a jerk. Backing off and trying to understand how she perceives things were the biggest keys for me. She was really, really hurting. I remember when she finally broke, she was literally jumping up and down, crying and shrieking. How badly she just wanted to feel loved. I can see why affairs happen.
I am a far better person because of this horrible ordeal. I am more empathetic, kinder, gentler...
I think we are headed in the right direction. I still have to DB everyday. I do not yet feel secure in my marriage. I will NEVER take things for granted again to be sure. I think it will be another year before I really feel better.
On a scale of 1 to 10. Most days we are 6ish. On good days 8ish. We are moving toward 7. I'm holding out for 10+. She has actually pointed out other couples and said, "I'm glad we are not like "that" anymore."
I found and started DBing pretty early on. That helped huge. I lurked on this site non-stop since last November. I only recently started posting. I started posting to you because your sitch and your actions seemed similar to mine. I was hoping my pain could be your gain.
Anyway, pick my brain however best serves you. Whatever I can do to help, lemme know.
BTW, I bust your balls but please know, that every mistake you have made, I made. Almost every anxiety you are feeling, I felt...or still feel. It's WAY easier to preach it than to live it. I was one of the lucky ones so now post to try give back and help others newer in the process. I've actually considered going back to school to become a marriage therapist.
I wack you with the 2x4 because I care. </hijack>
EDIT>>>> I just noticed your goals. Do not be distant. Maybe you just picked a bad word. Distant is terrible. Get out of her face. Don't pressure. Let her breath. Don't be distant. Detached does not mean distant. Just removed from the drama.
Last edited by DownNotOut...yet; 11/21/0706:27 PM.
Me 44 She 46 S13 D9 M18 T23 3 years DB'ing Successfully busted
also..w going to Japan for a week next week. wondering if I should slip a book into her stuff. if so, what book would that be? it's a long ride, so maybe she'd read it. maybe it's pursuing too...
Yeah, same house. At one point last spring I snooped and learned she had been just biding her time until the kids got out of school and then she was out. I knew when she was leaving, where she was going and who she wanted as her OM.
It took 3 months for her to notice my changes, 2 months of her being angry at my changes, then S L O W L Y she started to soften. Some time in June she just said, she didn't see herself leaving. Then a week later the OM came up and she was like, I'm losing interest. I said, what? Just two months ago you were gonna break up our family to explore real love with him. She just shrugged and said, "Eh, I don't feel that way anymore." Just like that! After that nothing seemed to happen until the end of August, then like a switch flipped or something and she started warming at a good pace. I just got off the phone with her, she gave me an unsolicited ILY.
I would say I am in my 14th month of DBing. I had three months from the time I discovered her plan till when she actually planned on leaving. Those three month are kind of where you are at now I guess.
Me 44 She 46 S13 D9 M18 T23 3 years DB'ing Successfully busted
thanksgiving pretty emotional for me. at w house and she was nice but treated me like a guest which sucked. I slept in guesthouse...that sucked too.
she went out tonight with other D woman friend to "xmas shop". I have the kids and a couple of their friends. they are having fun. she couldn't even last one day without going out. she leaves sun out of country for 8 days. I thought she may have interest in spending time with her kids before she left but I guess not. I tried to not be interested in what she was doing tonight.
so...she leaving on a really long flight sunday. would I be breaking db rules if I slipped LL into her bag and asked her to read chapter 10?
she is being nice and talking to me. no r talk, I have learned my lesson. but I know shes telling everyone shes done after the holidays. I know that's a long time from now, but don't like it that shes made up her mind.
so...she leaving on a really long flight sunday. would I be breaking db rules if I slipped LL into her bag and asked her to read chapter 10?
I know I'd be pretty annoyed if someone put something in my bag and asked me to read it, even at the best of times. A few people have mentioned this - I can't believe anyone thinks this is a good idea.
You were given perfectly clear instructions by your wife:
Quote:
You are right.I do care about you and want to be your friend. I just don't want to be romantic. It is not what I feel and I haven't for a long time - you are right, never is probably not the right word. And I know you would do anything to please me right now.it is overwhelming for me. But it is also very frustrating.I do want space and I do need to live apart. If you won't move out, then the kids and I will and we can see how it goes. I just need my space.I feel like I can't do anything without you watching me or listening to me. And I need to talk to my friends right now and hang with them.
You are breaking DB rules and you will set yourself back.
How completely nervy, pushy, controlling, and perhaps sneaky from her point of view, would it be for you to slip a book into her bags and even specify the chapter YOU think she should read!!??
She hasn't made up her mind, that is you reading her mind. You have no F'ing idea what she is thinking. Go ask Sandi or WAW1978 for a good slap and a dose of perspective.
Don't give her the book. Give her space. It's really hard to fight the temptation to push and pursue. I feel you but you gotta knock it off. Really, you can't even set your DB clock and start counting until you stop this behavior. What will get you closer to goals? Do that instead.
Me 44 She 46 S13 D9 M18 T23 3 years DB'ing Successfully busted
thanks DNO and Brit..thats why Im using the site because my DB skills are pretty rough and raw....
not going to give her the book. I dont need too many more slaps.
she went out last night with a friend to go Xmas shopping...returned home at midnight, bought nothing. I didnt ask one question where she went or anything about her night last night. Got up this morning and headed out of the house. she proceeded to ask me a bunch of questions this morning aobut what I did with the kids and where I was going this morning. She seemed to want to tell me about her night, after I asked her if she got a lot of shopping done. I'm trying to give her lots of space right now and laying off the pressure and pursuit.
W out of the country.....left on Sunday, returns this weekend. finally got an email from her last night, but it was basically to the kids. asked how things were at the house. I replied to the email with a short sentence and no questions.
Heard from MIL that she's persuing a legal separation. dont know much about it. Also know she went through my office and photocopied all our financial doc's..
Anyway, am I handling it correctly with her out of the country? No emails to her and brief on the replies? I have really stopped asking her any questions since last Tuesday.
