H never came back from Iraq

[MichelleLT]

H was deployed to Iraq with an infantry battalion. We were separated for 16 months other than brief visits when he was given leave. We talked daily on IM and via e-mail and occasionally he was able to call me. Things seemed okay the first half of his deployment, but shortly before he came home he started become more unpredictable, angry, demanding, and irrational. Since his return, his behavior has generally gotten worse. In June, he started a physical affair. When I found out, I flipped, ranted, raved, screamed, cried, stopped eating, lost a lot of weight, couldn't sleep, and was generally devastated. I moved in with my parents for a month starting July 28 (3 days before our third anniversary - we did go out to dinner on our anniversary though).

I am now living with a girlfriend and mostly settled. I went to see a counselor a couple times, didn't really get much out of it. H refuses any counseling, whether MC, depression, or for post-traumatic stress disorder (which I, his friends, and family all agree he has, but he absolutely refuses to believe anything is wrong with him). I have stopped bringing it up and even apologized for doing so. He was surprised and pleasant about it, even admitted he shows some symptoms, but wants to handle it himself.

I have been trying to see H regularly to grab dinner and hang out, tried to keep the conversations light and friendly, and be generally supportive of him and ignore the OW. This has been easy as she is now in Manchester til June and I don't actually have any chance of running into her around town. However, he told me that "the cheating has to stop somewhere" and cut off our sexual relationship completely right before I moved out.

He also asked me to sign a summary dissolution (kind of a uncontested divorce in California) and FLIPPED out when I refused. Accused me of doing it to make him miserable and drag this out, refused to listen when I said it was only because I don't believe in divorce and can't sign it on principle. Also won't admit that he can file for divorce without my signature, it'll just be more money and work for him. He hasn't spoken to me since that argument 2 weeks and 2 days ago. He told me not to contact him. I don't know what to do! I know a lot of his anger is irrational and try not to take it personally, but how can I show my love/support when he won't even talk to me!?!