Still stuck in Limbo Land

[MariS]

Mary,

So good to hear from you!!!

Like you our holiday is different this year too. You made me stop, think and reflect, realizing how far WE have actually come in the past year. There is ALOT we can be gratefull for.

I don't feel like celebrating either. WAH-MLCer is going to the deer lease(suposedly) and not wanting to spend it with us. He still hasn't spoken to his Mom in over 4months and no longer wants anything to do with his sibling. His latest comment is he doesn't like the holidays and never has. (he better not be scrouge at X-Mas; child is SO looking forward to it)

I regret I feel that I'm starting to backslide w/my DB'ing. I have this fear that friend/OW is still somehow in the picture, but can't confirm. Why can't I let go of this issue & let WAH-MLCer deal w/his own demons?

He is off to a HH later when I return from work (child's school is closed today) and is upset I am not able to leave my second job early...I sweetly replied that if he supplemented my $$$ I could quit the second job - no reply.

This HH is an annual event that I have not been included with and due to the "friends" involved, don't really want to. Just hope/pray friend/OW is not there, but will bet she is.

I sent the following e-mail message to WAH-MLCer yesterday; felt the need to - things were too status quo.


Have not a clue where I am going with this e-mail,
too many thoughts rambling in my head and feelings
in my heart, so here goes:


I am sorry that you haven't been feeling well.

I am sorry that you are having whatever medical issue
that has caused you to cut back on your drinking, because
that means it is serious.....

Thank you for letting us go to the deer lease this past weekend.

Thank you for taking child and I out to dinner last night and
giving child a bath for me. It helped me out SO much.

Thank you for being around; trying for us to be a family.

I still care for you and love you - wish you would kiss me.

There are those moments when I want to tell you that I love you
and that everything will be good, but I am afraid to tell you.

I love to watch/hear you and child read & play and how child
responds to you. (it warms my heart)

There are times I want to call you during the day, but I'm hesitant,
because it feels that I am a bother to you.

I want to touch, hold, smell and make love to you but I feel your distance and I am lost.

<sigh>

Interpret this e-mail however you decide.........


-----------

Of course, no response, but I feel better for having sent it.

Current concern I have is that WAH-MLCer is slipping back into his old drinking habit. He quit cold turkey for two weeks, then started to add a beer or two here and there. Now since the weekend it has been some wine. Then when he was out w/guys last night and tonights HH, who knows.

Must detach...must detach....

Will someone please help me refocus?

Thank you to all of you...

Hugs to you Mary, where ever child and I end up tomorrow, we will have a toast/cheers in "Our" honor for our family accomplishments and be thankfull for the moment now.