I just don't want anything to do with her at this point, and the only way I will ever feel differently is if SHE makes changes and shows that they are genuine over a consistent period of time. I now have the WASes mentality regarding a needed change in the spouse. Until she can prove this to me (and I don't think she'll ever have the desire to), she will get nothing more than is absolutely necessary from me.
I totally get this, GD. You've made such amazing progress and you're watching W go the other direction (an interesting yin-and-yang, isn't it?). Just want to validate your feelings on this: you're completely entitled to have reached this point, no second-guessing. (Of course you're entitled to any feelings you have, I just mean that I completely understand.)
Originally Posted By: Gone Dancin'
I'm rather irritated with her belief this should be okay with me, especially with everything else I've done. I'm just tired of doing more than what is necessary to help her out (with ZERO expectations that she will want to come back) and having her believe she deserves more. She isn't taking ANY responsibility for her choices and her future, and is expecting me to provide her with that future. I don't agree with this expectation AT ALL.
I agree, W's expectations are unreasonable. You dealing okay with your feelings about that?
Originally Posted By: Gone Dancin'
To be honest, I really don't care to show her anymore changes and effort. I just feel done with that.
Gotcha. Makes sense.
Originally Posted By: Gone Dancin'
Quote:
When you've talked to W before when she was in a state, you were able to listen and validate, and she came around.
Not sure what situation you're referring to.
I don't remember the exact sitch, and you may have been posting in retrospect, but you mentioned a time when W called you all upset about something and laid into you, and you just kept calm, kept validating, and she eventually calmed down (and possibly opened up, I can't remember). You mentioned what a turnaround that was for you.
Originally Posted By: Gone Dancin'
Honestly, I can tell that she's not thinking "Wow, he really listening to me. He does care about my fears, feelings, etc,". She's just thinking, "This is how I'm feeling -- now do something about it to make it better." ... She's so self-absorbed right now it's shocking.
Yes, I see this. Then it really is all about you and how you want to deal with her, without expectation that she'll hear, notice, or anything else.
Originally Posted By: Gone Dancin'
Maybe, but I don't think there will EVER be any good reflection from STBX, and therefore there will NEVER be an ultimate moment in the R where I can show my stuff. She will never see it -- she's too focused on getting what she needs/wants at any cost.
I'm really sorry to hear that it's come to this. I don't necessarily agree with your ever/never; I think there's still a long road ahead. It doesn't matter, though, and considering the changes you've already made for yourself, that belief/expectation won't change your behavior toward STBX.
Rough times, GD. Like others have said, you're a light on this board, a true success story. I know you'll ride the wave.
