but how much of that is an excuse to see YOU that often.
Yeah, you're the second person who's said this to me...
Quote:
when will the baby be old enough for you to pump a bottle of breast milk and leave your X with him while you go out on a date???
We have been. For months. I work full-time. The kid is 13 months, so we've progressed to table foods. He is certainly capable of spending the night without me. Actually, the sleep-over thing is relatively new. DS used to spend a couple of nights or so a week with xh, alone. Additionally, we only nurse maybe 5-6 times a day now. I'd like to go to two years, but I realize that may not be possible. I did hit my major goals of exclusive bf'ing for six months, and nursing to a minimum of one year. Two years would be great, but okay if we don't hit it.
After the arguing calmed down a little yesterday, he offered to cook me dinner if I'd stay the night so he can do homework. At first I agreed. Then, I changed my mind. Which made him mad.
So...argument continued last night... Lots of talking in circles, but it boiled down to:
I have no idea what I'm talking about with JD. There's nothing there, and I'm making stuff up. (Yeah, right.) When I said I wasn't sharing a bed when he's saying ILY to someone else, he resorted to "You snooped!" Yeah, ok....
He refuses to spend a night away from the kid. When he'd say "I didn't intend for this to go on forever," I'd ask him for a time line. I'd ask him to help me work out a new schedule. This whole topic seems to be a gigantic panic button for him. He did point out, correctly, that he was very supportive of my bf'ing, and that he didn't force me away from the baby before I was ready. Point taken. I am willing to do it more gradually, because he absolutely worked me with me on the bf'ing every time I asked him to.
He kept saying how he needed me there because it's hard to study with the baby there. I told him that I'm busy, too, and I don't get everything done I need to.
xh would also tell me "I'm glad you're okay with spending time away from your kid," I'd say I'm not, I don't like it, but I accept that that is the situation. When I'd point out that this is how divorce works (duh), he'd go on about "I thought we were cooler than that" and how we don't have to do it like everyone else. (The guy sure says 'we' a lot.)
He kept saying how he didn't deserve this, he's not doing anything wrong, and why am I doing this to him. At one point he asked me what he had to do to go back to "our arrangement." I blanked on my original plan...told him he couldn't be "friends" with JD in order for me to continue to be as involved in his life. Of course, that just made him madder.
xh also implied that I was "reading too much" into our interactions. Kind of implied I was seeing things I wanted to see. (I'm really not, am I?)
Towards the end, I got really upset. I just don't handle confrontation well. I always start to doubt myself, think I'm being insensitive, or mean, or really asking too much. Just started crying. He was trying to wipe away the tears. Really weird.
So I went home. I've lived in this place five months, and I swear, I've spent more time in his apartment. Was just feeling like crap. I had finally laid down when xh called. He wanted to know if I was okay. I told him no, I felt really crappy. He said he did too. It was a better conversation. He kept asking who I was talking to, where I got these ideas. I kept saying it was about me, and I had just been thinking about how these things bother me, but I'm not standing up for myself. I told him that I have a tendency to just agree to things, or to convince myself I'm not really bothered about something, when I really am.
xh said he had the same problem, with both me and his family. He then went on to say that I was welcome to come back to his place, to spend the night with the baby. That he would never keep me away from my kid. I have to admit...I really wanted to...but I made myself stay at home. It was surprisingly hard.
I think I need to do a better of job of saying I am uncomfortable...not just "that's how it's supposed to be." I did tried the trick posted over on the Separated forum, about responding to everything with a question. That seemed to help, some.
So, I just feel like crap today. We are still planning on Thanksgiving tomorrow. Mostly, I'd like to just be left alone for awhile...
