In my group there was a couple in which the husband was never able to attend a post session. The wife went by herself with a camcorder and recorded the entire session. Then they viewed it together later in the week. She said she got a lot more out of it by sitting through each session twice. So you could consider doing something like that.
To get the Post session materials you will need to contact the Post host couple. They will have everything. The contact info for that couple should have been given to you over the weekend.
Any thoughts on how to provide information to WAW without pushing too much? We have really taken a step back Sunday and would like to know how I could approach the subject without looking to desperate.
Me: 33 jacka** whom lied, stole, cheated, and basically treated DW like crap for years DW: 29 kind soul who gave too much to me over the relationship
S7 S4
M: 7yrs Bomb: 10/19 Seperated: 10/24
The worst reconciliation is better than the best divorce
Oh well. W doesn't want to attend the post session. She's willing to look at the material with me and do the dialogues. I guess I'll have to contact the Retro people and see if I can get the session materials....
M: 31 W: 31 M: 7 T: 8 S:4 D:2 Bomb dropped: too many to count or remember, 12/17/07 last one S on 9/2/07 W sent off D papers 12/31/07. Me trying to live life and hope she returns one day.
I thought Dave's ideas sounded very good. Just go slow and steady. You have 2 young children. You both owe it to them to make every effort to make the marriage work. But since you seem to be the guilty party, you will probably have to eat crow, apologize and grovel quite a bit before she's ready to give you another chance. So work hard on those apologies. They mean a lot.
Just something I've discovered that I'd like to share with everyone. For those of us that are trying to show the WAS that we are different and we have changed, the little things do matter. If you want to portray yourself as happy and confident, not only do you have to show that in your behavior, but you have to be very aware of your body language. If you appear to be happy but your body says otherwise, your S will pick that up and see that. Just the fact that I'm making an effort to be upbeat but at the same time be aware of how I carry myself. Stand up straight and walk with confidence, look ahead and smile at people instead of look down and pretend they are not there. Sitting up straight and no slouching made the W notice. She commented to me over the weekend that she noticed I was sitting tall at the restraunt where we are having dinner and she doesn't recall me being that tall. So they do notice the little changes in you. And that paves the way to make them think and notice the bigger changes that you really want them to see.....
M: 31 W: 31 M: 7 T: 8 S:4 D:2 Bomb dropped: too many to count or remember, 12/17/07 last one S on 9/2/07 W sent off D papers 12/31/07. Me trying to live life and hope she returns one day.
Some more journaling... Saw the kids tonight. S having some major meltdowns. Not exactly sure yet what's going on with him. More on that later. Everything went pretty well tonight. No back sliding from W so far. Still good interaction with her. She actually admitted that she missed me Monday and said that it was hard for her to admit that. Wow...guess that's positive, especially coming from "I'm happier when you aren't around." Also, S came up to us while we were just chatting a bit and said "I want you guys to get back together." Nobody has ever said anything like that to him and he's 4. Sometimes kids are way smarter than you think they are. That was a bit in your face for the W, especially when she keeps on saying they are just fine. When I was putting S to bed he said to me, "are you going to stay daddy? I'm sad when you leave." That's a bit hard to take for me. At least W is admitting that before she felt she's totally done, but after the Retro weekend she's seriously reconsidering a lot of things. Her feelings are totally confused. I told her to take her time and figure things out, have some patience and see how things go.
M: 31 W: 31 M: 7 T: 8 S:4 D:2 Bomb dropped: too many to count or remember, 12/17/07 last one S on 9/2/07 W sent off D papers 12/31/07. Me trying to live life and hope she returns one day.
Man retro sounds like it was good for you guys. That sounds exciting.
I'm waiting for an opening with my STBXW for a chance to bring that up. We'll see.
-------------- The Forlorn Hope:...A picked body of men detached to the front to begin the attack....Fortified, meaning strengthened to stand...and thus, positioned for victory
tflh, I truly hope you guys can make it there. Some how some way get her there.
Sara, Yes we need to do that. We didn't today due to W had a rough day. Having her period going on plus S melting down made it exhausting for her. We did share a lot of feelings though through conversations. I think a major thing we learned at Retro is how to receive each other's feelings without judging. Understanding that there is no right or wrong feelings, it's just how we feel. I told her we can do it over the phone tomorrow since I won't be at the house.
M: 31 W: 31 M: 7 T: 8 S:4 D:2 Bomb dropped: too many to count or remember, 12/17/07 last one S on 9/2/07 W sent off D papers 12/31/07. Me trying to live life and hope she returns one day.
Thanks for checking my thread out and responding. A ot of us males seem to have the same problem set: not recognizing the depression thing and responding inappropriately when we did, trying to fix things, not being "emotionally available" whatever that means.....forgiving, but having spouses that are "injustice collectors"
Dave, I felt like I was driving the car to the state fair instead of you. My W. is the same way. It seems like they LOOK for reasons to be unhappy. The wrong shoes? Not fod with the milk? In the real world, that stuff is SO not important, but when your whole world is "whack-a-mole" like ours is, then you will NEVER make them happy, because they can't make THEMSELVES happy. When I described my not making my W. "happy" to a good friend of mine here in Iraq (his W. left him last year. HE raised three girls with little help from her and SHE left)he had a great line: "That sounds like an individual soldier task to me". That menas it's not your job to make her happy. Don't even try, because I have been through it, and YOU ABSOLUTELY CAN'T. Keep trying to be thoughful and helpful, take the high road, but don't be a doormat. I'll look in on you from time to time.
