How Many Days to Go?

[RedHeadWife]

Oh, my goodness, I actually locked a thread -- I've never done that

Just journaling a bit . . . I'm a smoker (I know, bad, bad), but while I'm outside doing my thing early in the a.m., I have lots of time to think.

This a.m. for some reason, I was thinking about how I felt during the whole D sitch. I sometimes try to MAKE myself remember how awful it was just so I don't forget.

I think one of the things that bothers me is that I'm afraid that no matter how good things are, there is always going to be this little niggling in the pit of my stomach and a tug on my heart reminding me that things could go sour again. He's done it once . . .

I guess in a way that's good, I won't ever forget the lessons learned, and I don't want to forget. I need to always remember that an M takes work every day to keep it good, but I wish there was a different way to keep it in mind.

I sit here and so wish I could get into his head and see how he remembers the whole sitch and how he feels about it. I am still so totally blown away when I think about how cold he was to me during that whole time. The things he said & did!!

I'm not dwelling, like I said, I guess those of us here know we can't forget or it could happen again if we're not careful. I just don't like the thought of living like that every day for the rest of my M.

My mom accidentally gave my 2 new books to the library when they took a bunch of library books back. I went ahead & ordered them again. I think it's important for me to have as much info as I can to make sure I'm doing all the right things. I don't think H has yet realized how much work & effort an M takes and I am going to have to be the one to make sure we stay on track. I guess I should just be thankful, and I am, that he is just "back" and hopefully will just be happy that our family is still together and that will be enough.

I told him last night that S7 made a place mat at school for Thanksgiving and he wrote "I am thankful for my family." H said that's so cool -- I am too -- thankful for my family

[RedHeadWife]

By the way, for those of you who don't know me, the "how many days to go" is talking about my H coming home for a month on Dec. 15 -- he's deployed right now.

[cat03]

nothing wrong with remembering some events, just make sure you dont' recall every gruesome detail, give your musings a limit, when you start feeling angry/too upset then it's a time to remind yourself how grateful you are that you have an M you can work on.

I too remember somethings, try not to bring down the house when I do, too many time thinking of past events will just lead our minds to mistrust our Hs and just be "on the lookout".
Hugs)))))) we have much to be thankful this Thanksgiving eh?

[RealJourney]

RHW, I, too, tend to look back to see how far I've come. I also remember the bad times, but I am slowly having confidence that my H doesn't want to go back to that either. My marriage will always be a priority to me, and it does take work, but let's remember to have fun along the way too!

[RedHeadWife]

Feeling kind of low lately. I go back & forth. I'm just tired and ready for H to get home.

I know, however, that he will go to his old office while he's here & that's where OW is. If he doesn't know already, he'll probably find out then that she has gotten married since he's been gone. Don't know how he will feel about that.

Sometimes it scares me b/c I feel like we've grown closer, but at the same time grown apart. Sometimes I feel like we don't have much to talk about on the phone.

I'm just ready for him to be home so we can get on w/ our lives.

[RedHeadWife]

I'm so afraid that he's going to get home and be here for awhile and figure out that I'm still not enough and that he really doesn't love me anymore like he thought.

[Aud31]

Oh Red, I know it's hard to pull out of the scary thoughts...but you have to! You ARE tired, you've been through a lot physically and emotionally. The last thing you can afford to do is to shoulder the weight of what-ifs.

You ARE enough. You ARE tough. You ARE an inspiration. You ARE worth it. ((Hugs))

P.S. FWIW, sometimes I feel like my H and I don't have much to talk about on the phone too...but maybe too much is too much anyway. Keeping things a little mysterious can make reuniting that much more fun.

[RedHeadWife]

I'm thinking a big part of my problem right now is we're getting really close to the "anniversary" of the BIG BOMB which was in January last year. There are a lot of holidays that mark significant events & I'm going to just have to blow them off.

I know on MLK Day was when he sent the $80 worth of flowers to OW saying "wish I could be there." They had the day off, but H had to stay @ home w/ oldest son b/c he had the day off too while I was at work.

Then there was Valentine's Day which wasn't much fun. He did get me some flowers, but later told me he didn't even want to.

Then there was his bday which I got him a very expensive watch that he wanted, but we weren't "together" then.

Also, it absolutely kills me, but for the life of me, I cannot remember anything about Clark's 1st bday party. I know it would have been just an extended family thing, as we never did big parties w/ lots of kids when the boys were turning 1 & 2, but I can't remember anything about it. I'm sure I've chosen to just block it out b/c it probably was very uncomfortable and hurtful for me.

Oh well, I'm just hanging on the fact I know I'll "get over this" and things are going to be ok!

[Aud31]

I completely understand your mixed feelings about upcoming holidays. I had my 'anniversaries' this summer, and last years' holidays were...interesting too. The best way to get through them (for me at least): give yourself three minutes to feel the anger/disappointment/sadness and change your focus to feeling gratitude for where you are now and where you want to be next time the day rolls around.

Things ARE going to be ok!

[theforlornhope]

RWH, thanks for checking up on me.

Holidays are tough. Remembering the bad times is really tough. Hang in there, PMA, PMA.

Just a thought from a man's perspective. He's looking forward to coming home TO YOU. Not to the old sit. If he was looking forward to that, he would sound completely different on the phone.

he'll probably find out then that she has gotten married since he's been gone. Don't know how he will feel about that.

Again from a man's perspective, he will feel RELIEVED.

She was a fling. A mistake he made. This is a way for him to ignore it / pretend to everyone else it didn't happen. He will be relieved not to be reminded of it at work.


Have a great Thanksgiving.