I've been reading here for about a week now; I have also been gone from these boards for a number of months in part because of my own uncertainty about some of the DB ideas and because I was at a point where I needed to grow myself. So, maybe I should be careful what I post, although I think the beauty - and part of why I returned - of this board is that it serves as a sounding board for everyone to share their own journeys and experiences. I have found these posts on your thread, w8ing, to be both helpful and challenging to my own thinking.
Quote:
We find ourselves married and Standing. A person can Stand without being a Stander (much like a person can choose not to abort without being Pro-Life). But Standers believe marriage is a covenant 'til death do us part. I'm a Stander, and I so not interpret the scriptures literally. But I personally made a vow that we would be together for our entire lives. I made a vow not to abandon Sweetheart in ANY circumstancse--better/worse, sickness/health. I don't believe in divorce, and thus would not recognize a divorce as valid.
Rollercoaster - when I read this, I find myself unsure what you and others mean by standing. I am "standing" if that means not actively pursuing a divorce, but I'm not "standing" if that means I will not move on if my H makes clear he is not, and will not, be coming back. I agree that these vows I made - and we made - were made with conviction. I posted earlier that our personal vows, in fact, were literally "All that I am and All that I am to become, I give to you." In my heart, that means that this is the "all that I am to become" part, and that this is the challenging time we promise to be there for each other. But at the same time I say that, I am also having to recognize that I am not in control of him, and if he is determined to go, I cannot stop that - although I can resist promoting or supporting that.
MLC and ACOA and other names for what our spouses are experiencing are important, but I know for myself, I have made excuses and protected my H - probably to an unhealthy level - for the whole of our marriage b/c of the label of ACOA - or before knowing that label, the recognition of his toxic childhood. I have not been able to allow him to be what he is - a human complete - without that label, and sometimes I think that the labels prompt us to be more excusing than is healthy. That doesn't mean MLC or other forms of emotional disruptions aren't real - they most certainly are - but my challenge is finding the way to recognize the behavior without bringing in the protective or co-dependent element.
I know that for me that letting go, and yes, distancing - has been more easily achieved when I finally agreed in my heart that this marriage that we had is now over. I don't plan to disconnect - I do and would welcome any interest on my H's part to revive or reconcile - but whatever that new relationship would be would have to be something different than what we had. I know that if we weather this storm, and he comes back or we try again, that we would need a new standing before God and speaking of vows to really be married - even if there has been no legal divorce.
Now, if that's standing, then I guess I am standing; my understanding of the term, though, has equated the action of "standing" as self-negating: ie: that if I stand, that means never finding another relationship again - with my H or without him if that happens. I'm not ready for that - and I don't think it's a healthy example to my sons to essentially sacrifice my future happiness to what would be a dead entity. (But, as I just said, maybe I have misunderstood the term, so then maybe I'm making that assertion unnecessarily.)
I know that there is a huge wealth of experience and insights on this board. I welcome the help and questions that you all have given me. I hope, w8ing, that you don't mind that I have used your thread for such education, and I hope that you have found some help in my questions.
All that said, I hope you all have a great Thanksgiving - one way or another. There are many things to give thanks for, I find even some because my H walked out, and I keep trying to remember those.
