Hard to function after the divorce...

[AKmusic]

Ewe,
Yes I have read both books that Michele has written as well as a dozen others. I guess I'm looking for a similar situation that is aged a bit longer than mine. Would like to see what has happened to them. Not long ago I felt as if I had everything, and one day it was all taken from me. Everyday is a challenge, because I am so uncertain of the future. This divorce has ruined my internal guage for staying positive and optimistic.

[Dom R]

Let's try again fresh....

I am looking for someone who has had a similiar situation, and things do happen for a reason. I am not looking for "What should I do with my life ?"type answers.

Things do happen for a reason, AK. They happen, based on what we choose to do.
You say you arent looking for "what to do with your life". yet you are looking for "someone who has a similar situation".

Sounds like you are going to base your decision of "what should I do next", based on whatever "similar situation" happens to be posted.
Sounds like a "magic 8 ball" type choice to me.

Here's a different perspective for you, AK.

If you put in the effort, and time, you could find people's stories, of every possibility. Of people who stayed with their affair partner. Of people who dropped both ex-wife, and affair partner. Of people who reconciled with their ex-wife.

They are all possibilities. What matters, is which one you choose to pursue.

My gf doesn't under stand why she wanted out of the marriage, she has found letters my wife wrote to me just 2 years ago, and she doesn't understand how someone can write that and walk away if they are sincere.

It can happen, when the other person hurts them too badly for them to deal with.

She never got over your affair inside. She didnt FULLY process it, and forgive you for it. I think that's why she had what is called a "revenge affair", and then left. even years later after yours. It's not uncommon for that to happen.

And in a way, you going back to your affair partner, justified her resentment of you for it. You went back to her right away, rather than hang in there for your wife.

3 months of you trying, after her affair, is nothing. She kept trying to work on your marriage, for 2 and a half years.

Relationships are all to much work, if this one doesn't workout I am out of the game. I have a passion in life my son, and my art. I definetly don't want to make the emotional investment again way to painful.

A relationship with your son, is "a relationship". Having a good one, is a very large emotional investment indeed. It's not all fun at games. It requires a lot of tough choices, and sacrifices on your part.

IF he is really what matters most to you in this world... then for his sake, you should try to reconcile with his mother.

SO...
... is he really what matters most to you in this world?

[azhira]

AK,

Try not to take Dom too personally. He has some excellent points. Self-examination is always difficult. (And yes, Dom, sometimes I think you take your own frustrations out in others' threads, too.)

That said...

I'd say one of your problems is that you keep bouncing back and forth between your xw and your gf. M not going well? You found OW. Wait, maybe that wasn't right...I'll go back to the M. Whoops, that fell apart...might as well go back to the gf.

I'm not saying you don't care about these people at all. But I hear more about you and your wants than what you've put either of these women through.

You need to pick a direction. I don't know what the right one is. It may be neither of these choices. And you may not know right away. (I'm still struggling on what the best thing to do is...) But the back-and-forth means you won't get anywhere, in the long run.

Relationships take effort. You have to choose to put that effort in.

[AKmusic]

azhira ,
I agree with you about self examination. This what I have done for the last 1 and a half years. This is what my wife wanted, to the tee. In brief conversations she has said she hopes to one day be happy. I suffer with guilt everyday for he fact that I have fractured my sons life, thats the toughest part for me. My wife is so busy studying for her classes that I don't think she spends much education time with my boy. It seems that me and my gf do all of his school projects and homework. My gf has taken a very active role in his development. She has been an angel for me, I have learned so much and she definetly helps me be a better father. My brain tells me that I am doing the right thing, but I have a piece left in my heart for my wife that I unfortunately cannot retrieve and therefore never fully have what I had before.
The funny thing is that my wife did some terrible things during our seperation, I mean bad. I forgave her for everything, I have not once thought about them and gotten angry. I try to remember her for what she was and not who she turned into. She was the best thing that ever happened to me and its just really hard to pick up all the pieces. She understands why I called my gf, matter of fact it was her idea. And on many occasions she has said that she likes the man that I am now, I don't know what to make of that. One last thing, I did put my best effort 2and a half years to try and make this marriage work, but how much can you keep getting kicked in the teeth. She is now with another man, I didn't think it was serious until she started to bring my son around him. So now the only thing I can do is give it time. I wrote her a heartfelt 10 page letter earlier this year telling her that I still have feelings for her and always will. I stated that whatever the outcome I want her to be happy. I also said that if she has even the slightest incling that she may want to give this another shot or just talk to me about it, that I would be receptive no matter whatever situation I was in.

[Dom R]

The funny thing is that my wife did some terrible things during our seperation, I mean bad. I forgave her for everything, I have not once thought about them and gotten angry.

Side comment: "forgiving someone" is not the same as as "not getting angry".

But anyways, that aside;
It sounds to me like the following is an essential timeline:


1. a few years ago, you had an affair

2. your wife tried to forgive you, but struggled, and after a few years, separated, and had one of her own

3. She wanted to make herself feel better about what she was doing, so "encouraged" you to have an affair also (this is very common, for the person having an affair to encourage their spouse to go date too. helps with their guilt, apparently).

4. conveniently for you, your prior affair partner was available, so you went right back to her.

5. Your wife seems to think, "well, he's got someone, and I've got someone... everthing's ok"

6. you think "well, she's got someone, and isnt interested, and I've got someone, so things are ok".

so that's where things stand right now.
Meanwhile, your son suffers a broken home.


Here's the killer irony:

You say that "your 'brain' tells you that you are doing the right thing".

If you want to speak about logic... logically speaking, both of you get along way better than you did before, and neither of you are married again yet... AND you still keep thinking about her.
So, the logical thing for both of you to do is to have some integrity and work things out between you, for the sake of your son.

your girlfriend "being a great person, and good with your son", doesnt make it the right thing to do, for you to stick with her.
That just makes it "the easy thing to do".

there's a lot of missing details from your situation.
If you had started up front with, "and my wife is now still seeing another man", it would have put a different perspective on things".

I think you should also stop beating around the bush, and say all these "terrible things" that your wife did during your separation. That would give peole a better insight into whether she is being vindictive, or possibly having her own MLC, or...

you should also mention whether it's been the same guy that she left you for, and stuff like that

[AKmusic]

Wife and I had a big talk the other night and she shed some light on her feelings as of late. I was very glad that she did, while they were not super pleasant, if she didn't care she wouldn't have said anything. There is still something there and its alot bigger than I had thought before. We talked about each others dating situations, and came to the conclusions that they are good people for us right now and are helping us deal. No one has been dishonest here. In that conversation I saw the old wife that I have missed for such a long time, and my heart smiled knowing that she is still around, it made me feel optimistic even if nothing comes of it, maybe we will meet in another time in another life.

[azhira]

It still sounds like, to me, you are using these women against each other. Instead of investing in your M, you invested (emotionally) in OW. Instead of fully pursuing your R with your gf, you're now missing your xw. That's unfair to everyone involved.

[AKmusic]

Here is the deal. My marriage is over. I have a friendship with my wife and nothing more. She is in a relationship, so am I. I am open about the future that is all. The only thing I am sure about is my son. Anything can happen tomorrow, I am just being openminded about it. So what is it that is unfair? I have a very unique situation. No one is playing anyone against one another. My wife wanted the divorce she got it. I did everything she wanted me to do, that is why we get along. She has not indicated that she wants to work things out at all. My gf encouraged me in the beginning to try and work things out with my wife. My and I also didn't sleep together for 5 months. She has been on the fence with me from day one, but we have helped each other tremendously in our lives at this time. There was a reason for us to be together. What happens in the future we will have to see, there are no guarantees in life, if you asked me a year and a half ago where I would be, I would have never put myself in this predicament in a million years. So thats the deal, we demand nothing of one another, and give what we can. Maybe if my gf let go a little I could get closer to her but that hasn't happened yet. And as far as getting back together with my wife, there is no offer or anything and even if there was I would have to see how serious it would be and if I can move beyond 100% with what we have been thru.

[azhira]

Here's my question...if you have a gf, why are you open to a relationship with your xw? Why have a gf?

[AKmusic]

A gf is not marriage, I am trying to move on with my life. Sometimes things can come around though, this was not the case a month ago.