Turning the Page

[theforlornhope]

So, I locked my own thread. Just number two for me.

Well, she peeked out of the tunnel this morning and spewed all over me before running back in. (EEEWwwww, I just showered.) She had her state mandated "parenting class" last night, I think that had a lot to do with it.

I'm kind of journaling here while it's fresh.

I was helping the boys get dressed, and S6 started crying over not having the socks he wanted. (really over fears and anxiety that he can't express.) I had him in my lap and was talking to him when she came into the room. She interrupted us and asked him why he was crying, I told her "It's nothing, it's taken care of." Lately she has been doing that when I am dealing with him, it's not concern so much as trying to take over what I am doing with him. This screws up what I am doing with him, so I am going to set my first boundary here. (another milestone.)

Anyway, I asked her to talk in the other room. I told her that I was handling the situation, and please don't interrupt what I am doing. Her reply was "you always do that to me." (not.) Then she said "I know you think I don't care about them, and that I don't think this D is going to hurt them, and that I don't think it's important, but I do."

I said "I think it's the most important thing there is, but I don't want to fight with you." I went back and finished getting them ready.

Later while I was making breakfast she approached me and said "I'm not trying to start a fight, but I have to say this. I think it is worse for children to grow up in a house where one spouse doesn't love the other one, and they are exposed to fighting all the time." (we almost never fought in front of them.)

I said "all right, I understand, but I have something to say as well."

"I understand that this is how you feel, and in some cases, I could say that's valid. But in our case, I don't believe that it is. I don't feel that there is anything in our marriage that is irreparable."


"I understand that you don't love me. I understand why you think that this is the best thing for you. I agree that this might be the best thing for you to do. I understand that you are going through a lot right now, and that you are unhappy. I know that there are a lot of things going on with you that you haven't told me about, but I know that these things exist and are hard for you."

"This is not what's best for me. I know that you think it is because you have said that in the past. But it is not. This is the worst thing for me. Please don't pretend that it is or say that to me or other people."

"I chose to love you. I still choose to love you. I haven't changed my mind about that. I believe that there is a lot of choice involved in love. I understand that you have chosen not to love me but that is your choice."

"The boys don't have a say in this decision. I know you think this is better for them, but I respectfully disagree. I believe that this is the worst thing possible for them."

I'm not trying to make you feel guilty, or change your mind. I don't think it would be better if you stayed out of guilt."

After that, it went straight downhill. She was accusing me of blaming her, and the alien spew started in earnest. Things like "You have never understood me," "you always disregard what I say," "you don't respect me."

I told her that I did respect who she was, that she is smart successful, and capable, and that I respected her more than anyone else I know. I realized that this was arguing, not listening, so I asked her what do I do that makes you feel I disregard you?

She broke it off and left the room.

I left it alone.

I think what she heard me say was "you're wrong and this is all your fault."

I need an MLC interpreter

I suppose that this was backsliding and pushing, but she initiated the subject twice, and I did feel like I needed to say those things calmly once and for all.

I write letters to her, edit them a few times, look for anger and other unwanted emotions in them, and tear them up.

Most of what I said was from a letter I have been editing lately. I think I would have done a better job if I could have given it to her instead of talking.