Get Me On A Smoother Ride....Need Advice #7

[tryingtoholdon]

Okay I may rick the boat a little. Because I kind of disagree with you Rob. I think Sue would be working on herself, thinking of herself if she voices to her husband that this is rude! That his behavior is rude. That his actions are rude! That his continuing to talk with another female and possibly sleeping with her is rude and wrong. Listen there HAS to come a point where the spouse being cheated on stops acting like a doormat to the cheating spouse. How can a man or woman really respect the spouse that sits around and plays nice and doesn;t say a word. They just cat as if in hopes the wayward spouse will come back to them. To me that doesn't show much self love or very much respect for yourself. Communication is the key to any marriage. Without a marriage will never survive. So by holding in your true feelings you are denying the marriage that open communication.

I agree I think Sue needs to work on her. She needs to detach. I can see her worrying about his every move and action. She needs to take care of herself and get to be where she should be emotionally for herself. But maybe her having that talk with her husband is her doing just that. She is respecting herself and wishing to call him on the carpet for the nasty way he is treating her right now. Maybe it could open his eyes a little.

But I have a question...do you honestly believe the wayward cheating spouse will actually respect someone who acts like the one they love that is cheating doesn't hurt them or effect them, like it doesn't bother them? I'm sorry but to me the wayward spouse may think the spouse doesn't care so maybe there is no hope. You can't respect a doormat. I don't say that to be mean or hurt anyone here. But also I have seen a lot of people at least state their views on this to their spouses with the most amazing strength and self respect for themselves. I don't think Sue has had this chance yet.

[Rob1231]

But I have a question...do you honestly believe the wayward cheating spouse will actually respect someone who acts like the one they love that is cheating doesn't hurt them or effect them, like it doesn't bother them? I'm sorry but to me the wayward spouse may think the spouse doesn't care so maybe there is no hope. You can't respect a doormat. I don't say that to be mean or hurt anyone here. But also I have seen a lot of people at least state their views on this to their spouses with the most amazing strength and self respect for themselves. I don't think Sue has had this chance yet.

Hi Trying,

I'm sorry, I think we're not communicating well here. Let me try to be clearer:

I certainly do not advocate being a doormat, or acting as if the WAS's selfish, stupid, rude, thoughtless actions are acceptable. I encourage the LBS to find the strength to be brave and steadfast in the face of these hurtful actions. I recommend that the LBS sets clear boundaries which communicate, "I can't control what you do - but I do not approve of it, and I will not be taken advantage of by you."

On the other hand, I recognize that the WAS (particularly in the case of an MLC) is not thinking clearly or behaving rationally. I recommend that the LBS focuses on their own GALing and happiness, while exercising patience and hoping for the WAS to get their sh!t together. The alternative - trying to control the behavior of the WAS with ultimatums - is way too likely to backfire, IMHO.

This "ultimatum setting" is what I read into the post a while back about "putting your foot down." If I misunderstood, I apologize for the confusion.

[Yoyowife]

Rob,
I agree with what you are saying about being careful with the ultimatums. My H is so hard headed it would definitley backfire on me. I do think calmness and patience is the key here. Like you said you don't have to be a doormat, but also don't be Atilla the Hun.

[NoCodeBlues]

I don't think these two approaches are entirely mutually exclusive.

I agree that Sue needs to stand up for herself and let H know she will no longer be treated like a doormat. But the most constructive way to do that is through "loving detachment". Tell H you are not going to stand for his BS, and show him with your actions that you are serious -- by GAL, going dark, and not giving him the impression you condone his bad behavior. Put your focus on yourself and your needs, your survival and your well-being. H is certainly focusing on his wants and needs, at Sue's expense even.

I think it's okay to show H that you love him, but do so in a tough-love way. State your case, your disappointment in his behavior, and move on. H's natural reaction will be that you are raining on his parade. He will accuse you of being selfish and mean-spirited, even when we all know this crisis really stems from his petty selfishness. You just have to press on -- be kind and understanding, but don't give in to his childish stunts and demands for drama. Lovingly detach and put your energies into you.

Side note: I have to relate this to the experience I have had a couple of times with my six-year old. I was in the grocery store just the other day with S6 and S2, and S6 saw something on the shelf he wanted badly (some chocolate chip muffins). He grabbed the box and placed it in our cart -- and I told him no. He threw a tantrum and said he really wanted it, but I would not give in. He blew a gasket and had what we call a "melt-down". I told him I already had a dessert ready back at our apartment, and made him place the box back on the shelf. Then I told him to follow us onward. He refused and sat down in the aisle begging me to let him have his way or he would not move. I got down on one knee and told him under no circumstance would I allow him to have any such dessert item now, especially because of his poor behavior. I told him I love him, and his behavior was disappointing. I walked off down the ailse with S2, leaving S6 to complain after me that he doesn't ever get what he wants. (As if!) Well I rounded the corner and waited for S6 to come to his senses (kept a stealthy eye on him). Eventually he followed up behind us and was resigned to behaving properly.

This is something that parents often encounter in raising our children. It has occurred to me, now, that our WAS tend to act like spoiled children themselves at these times. They want what they want and blame us when they don't get it on their terms. I think we have to be strong and figuratively walk "around the corner of the aisle" till they come to their senses. And yes, it's a little scary doing this, even if it is for their own good.

[Pamar]

SueS

Wow, so much good advice. I agree. Time to stand up and state you are not going to be walked all over - throw the ball back into his court.

Look after yourself.

[SueS]

Good afternoon everyone-

Thanks so much for the input. I'm basically at a loss of what to do. I know I need to GAL, 180....all those things. That I'm not at a loss about. What is hard for me is how to approach H on any type of talk. I don't want to push ultimatums. I'm in no way ready for that. There's something inside of me that wants to tell him again....THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE, but feel that doing that with him will push him much further away. However, he knows that it's unacceptable. Do I really have to tell him again? He's hiding things, sneaking around, closing his emails when I come nearby, on the pc when I'm asleep, sneaking out to make phone calls....etc.

I don't want to put off a talk anymore, but I'm just not ready. I'm scared of leaving from Th-Sun with H here by himself. However, I know he'd see her and do whatever he wants to do even if I were home. I want to go home to my parents for Thanksgiving and try to enjoy myself. I want to hand D3 over to my nieces (she loves them!) and get some rest. My mom knows I've lost weight and wants to buy me some new clothes (kind of an early Christmas gift).

Last night H got home from work about an hour later than normal. Mind you, I would have just let it go, but D3 was asking about him and it was getting close to her bed time. I called H and he was short with me. He said he'd be home very shortly. He got home about 5 minutes later. H spent time with D3. D3 was very rowdy and didn't want to go to bed. I told D3 that daddy could get her to bed. H joked about a few things with me, as I sat up with them when they were playing a game. I decided to go to bed. Still not feeling great. H commented that we needed a humidifier for our room, as the room is dry and with my cold, he thinks it would help. D3 ended up in bed with me all snuggled up. She fell asleep and I put her in her room. H was up and down all night. I heard him come to bed, but then get back up a few times. I heard him on the computer around 4:30 am. D3 and H were awake when I left this morning. H was getting D3's breakfast. She told H to give me a hug and kiss good-bye. He actually gave me a hug and had me kiss him on the cheek. She said.....say I love you. He said it (in a tone to make her happy) and I replied.

Things about H lately: H has seemed a little anxious and distant at times lately (not sleeping well), but at the same time has spent time with us. He told me that we won't be going to his dad's in Dec., but will wait until after the first of the year. He wants to get his car fixed by a friend there. We'd all drive there, he'd stay a few extra days and D3 & I would fly home. H told me he wants to rearrange our bedroom??? H also just emailed me to see how my day is. He asked if I was still leaving Thursday morning, saying he was just asking because he was wondering if I'd help him with something tomorrow or if we'd be gone.

So, I know this is a long post, but I'm just getting a lot off my mind. Last night I got down. I was taking a hot bath and started crying. I think H may have heard me. I tried not to be loud, but due to my cold, my sniffling was a bit much. D3 came to the door and wanted to come in. I heard H tell her to leave mommy alone so I could take a bath in peace and quiet. After I got out, he was okay. I saw myself in the mirror as a run down, tired, depressed and pathetic person. Not the person I want to be or the person I want my H to see. I tried to pull myself together, but it was hard. I know I'm not that person. I know that driving out of town this weekend won't stop me from thinking about things, but I want to come back a more confident person. My goal is to walk back in the door the happy, self-assured person that my H wants to be with.

Well, enough rambling. I need to get working.

Have a great day!

SueS

[Rob1231]

Hi Sue, I'm not gonna respond to your comments about talks with H - I feel like we've beat that topic pretty much to death for today. A couple of things I do want to say though:

Your H is (still!) all over the map with his emotions and actions. Not to get your hopes up, but he sounds a little like my W did when her A was unraveling. Distressed, distracted, not sleeping well, cranky. Her "big plans" were crumbling out from under her, and she was not a happy camper. Whether that's what is going on with him or not - my message for you is IT IS NOT ABOUT YOU. On the uphills or the downhills of the emotional roller coaster, just remember, he is wrestling with his own MLC demons here. Let him "own" these problems. Do your best to be patient and focus on yourself for the meantime.

Second, don't be so hard on yourself! You have been through a lot, and on top of it, you are still sick. Hang in there and believe in how much better and happier you are going to be, very soon - we do!

[SueS]

Rob-

I'm sorry, I didn't intend to pull up the "talks with H" thing again. I'm not ready for it, nor do I think it will help at this time.

All I can say to you is thank you. It means a great deal to me to get on and see that you've posted on my thread. Not to take anything away from anyone else, because I get great support from here, but I do value your opinion. I know you probably bang your head against a wall some days reading my posts, saying....C'mon Sue, we've gone over this, just start doing it. I'm trying. I really am. A big part of me can't wait to get away this weekend for some time for myself with my family to relax and regroup. As I said, my mom wants to take me shopping, so some smaller clothes would work toward PMA! I'll get it, I promise I will. I'm struggling a bit, but I'll get it.

Got some great compliments on the lunch I set up today! I organize our office events and I did our T-Day lunch (about 60 people). Not that I cook, but I do get it all ordered, set up, ready to go. It's nice to hear after being told that my focus was lacking a bit lately.

Oh, one little compliment from D3 last night. I was watching House. She asked me why the lady was in the hospital. I told her she was sick. She said, mommy, I don't have to go to the hospital because you take good care of me and love me! Oh, how she made my heart flutter!!

SueS

[Rob1231]

I know you probably bang your head against a wall some days reading my posts, saying....C'mon Sue, we've gone over this, just start doing it.

Not at all! This is TOUGH STUFF - we all know that, 'cause we had to do it too!

And - you are very welcome.

[fightingirish]

Oh sues.. I wish he would snap out of it!! You make my heart hurt. Or I could come over there and beat some sense into him, and I would enjoy that!

Kids are awesome, they say such smart things at the right time. My s5 is going to marry me he says and he doesn't want to go to work when he gets older because he doesn't want to leave me.

Rob and others have some really good advice, of course you have to do what's right for you at the right time. Just please don't let him walk on you anymore, it bothers me so and you are such a great person you don't deserve any of this.

Have a great turkey day!!

tal