I shared how I am afraid that I won't have joy in my life again--yes, there are moments when I am happy, but there is always this dark cloud over everything; it is never far away. I am afraid that no one will ever love me the way he loved me, once. That I won't love anyone else the way I love him.
I am afraid that the misery and loneliness that I have right now will stretch out forever.
Painful I know , I think all of us have these fears but thats what they are fears , not based on any experience or reality. How can we know what the future holds ? You are worrying about stuff that has not happened. Its OK to feel this way however please find a way not to let this overwhelm your life.
I also think OT is right about dating . Find yourself and your way first .
ot, you are right in that my experiment with dating was a disastour--I took my profile off the dating sites. No where near ready, and may not be ready for quite a long time, I think. I have to be on my own, even when it sucks so bad (especially at night).
If I can hope that I can overcome my codependency, maybe H will someday. But as of right now, I'm not holding my breath. I saw on another thread, the Unexpected Legacy of Divorce. I am going to ask the FC to get H to read something, ANYthing, to do the best job he can with his new role without continuing to stick his head in the sand and think that the kids are unaffected. Meanwhile, I will just do the best that I can when they are with me.
I was thinking about it today at the grocery...everything that we have thought of each other is actually the polar opposite over the last year.
He has turned out to be the one with no repect or appreciation for the other spouse. He did things to me that I never deserved. He left the marriage long before I even was aware of it. Even though he says he has no regrets over the affair, he will (as soon as he can actually see his own reflection in the mirror).
I am the one who deserves to be treated better, to have things made up to. I have nothing to regret or be so sorry for--any issues that I had were able to be addressed with a simple conversation. I did all I could to change, save the marriage, etc. I can sleep at night, and hold my head high with my choices.
Everyone thought that he was the perfect husband, "such a good guy." And it was actually me who was stronger and had higher values all along. Go figure....
I guess, when you love (still learning about that too, though--could be the enmeshement) someone for so long, you would rather everything be your fault--if the blame was all on me, I could have changed things and fixed it all.
But NOTHING that I did had any affect on his heart--just the opposite. So how much was really my doing? I will continue to do my own Personal Inventory to learn what are my areas that I can grow in, but also areas of strength--I know I have many.
I keep forgetting that the alien spew is there to protect their own ego, the justifications are used to keep THEM tethered to the planet, their own defense mechanism. And if he isn't ready to see it, nothing I (or ANYone else) do can make him see it--or worse, he'll see it and not be able to handle the truth.
I wonder how many times I have to re-learn the same lesson before it really breaks through to the inner id (isn't that the part of you that is even deeper than the subconscious? trying to remember the term...). I am going to try mantras, maybe make a tape with some nice music and a calm voice telling me that "H is an a$$hole" over and over, to play while I'm sleeping! ;0)
Every time I learn the lesson, force him to tell me again that he is over, holds no worth to the marriage, won't consider therapy or reconcilliation, I get it at a deeper level. I think I am periodically MAKING him do these things just to get it through to my inner self.
As a perpetual visual person, I told my IC about the box I held inside since a kid--anything I couldn't handle at the time, I simply put those thoughts in the box and closed it with a pretty ribbon. The first time was when I tried to process mortality after the death of my grandfather, who was my major caretaker up until age 4. I had nightmares of Hell until I was 7 and finally put it away in the box. Still haven't peeked at that one too closely over the years. I have to learn to do that with thoughts of H, so that the good memories can still be looked at without the heartache and longing. Just because I am aware of a def. mechanism doesn't mean it can't work or is bad to use in every sitch. This might be an appropriate use.
{{{Sara, OT, Nikki, L, Dave, mk, morgan, neph, etc.}}} If you guys had to write a thesis, I probably provided all the fodder you could ever need! Thanks for sticking by me as my brain tries to wrap itself around this whole mess. I am amazed that, for someone who is normally pretty bright and quick to pick up on things, how long it has been for me to learn these lessons.
Have a Happy Thanksgiving if I don't talk to you all !
Just got back from IC (again). We covered a ton of ground in a short time. I scared her a little yesterday--she saw that it didn't seem that anything was going to stop the "episode." I think the AlAnon meeting helped, but it was really just getting sleep and time. Worked with IC tonight, so we are going to try the mantra-thing (but with POSITIVE messages), guided imagery and yoga to try to clear the mind as a nightly ritual, so hopefully I can use that to thought-stop.
It was brought on by three or four events happening so close together--dating when I wasn't ready (and seeing the life that is outside of my marriage, not being inspired or wanting it), knowing that the kids and H were visiting with what used to be my family, Thanksgiving being so different...all with no sign of H gaining his sanity.
So, I have to do what I can to limit the outside triggers, but I also have to find a way to stop the slide.
IC noted that I still haven't let go; getting there, but not there yet. And that means I'm still on step one. Hard to hear after going through this for a year, now.
No dating. Back to no contact (other than the times at the L coming up).
I am worrying about the unknown. I have this stupid vision of the pigeon lady from Home Alone 2 in my head--she ended up living in Central Park after her H left her.
I want to replace that more with a nicer version of one of the women on Sex in the City.
I know she says you're on step 1.. and while I kind of agree to a point, I think you're so far along too. As if there's steps "1.a." through "1.z" and you're maybe at "1.y" - does that make sense???
I've hit a weird mood just today myself - just when you think expectations and such are gone it seems like they can jump up and bite you.
Be patient with yourself - you're worth it.
(((Donna)))
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Nikki- Thank you for being there for me ... I am still surprised at how powerful the emotions can be, how overwhelming and out-of-control it can feel. I think another trigger that I will have to avoid over the next 2 months will be the tv, too. How many jewelry/gift commericals do they have to show? Then, I got sucked into Braveheart (turned it off before the end, thank God). But I always make it through to the other side, no matter how bleak it seems at the time. I have to write myself a letter, I think, for those bad times--
Note to self: Donna WILL make it through it again! The bad feelings do go away!
Nikki, I hope that you spring back from wherever you are. Flush your toilet and smile for me :0) Happy Turkey Day!
I think a letter to yourself is a great idea. Make it a love letter, or write a love letter to yourself in addition to the letter you're already planning on writing. SDFoundGirl shared this idea before, I did that and keep it sitting out for myself to pick up and read now and then, and it's been helpful.
You sure will make it through. Glad you know it. As my therapist says... how you're feeling and how you're doing are two different things.
Have a great few days off!
Me: 37 M: 14 yrs Separated 10/06; Filed for D 12/07 Life is good.
As my therapist says... how you're feeling and how you're doing are two different things.