Tonight's topic was joy. AlAnon members often hold onto joy so tightly that they kill it, always afraid that it will be gone when they let their guard down.
I shared how I am afraid that I won't have joy in my life again--yes, there are moments when I am happy, but there is always this dark cloud over everything; it is never far away. I am afraid that no one will ever love me the way he loved me, once. That I won't love anyone else the way I love him.
I am afraid that the misery and loneliness that I have right now will stretch out forever.
It is 11:30 at night, and I just heard the CW's truck come home from being with him.
I am afraid of letting go, that I won't be able to hold onto the tether I have to this earth.
Whenever I had to go through something hard, (both parents' deaths, the baby having skull/brain surgery, childbirth, etc.), he was always there to hold me, and I felt safe and loved in his arms. The sound of his heart. I don't have that anymore when I need it the most. I can't seem to find a sense of peace. He refuses to be that for me. I asked him to just hold me today, not even talk, and he says it won't help me.
He wants me to focus on the kids, take care of the kids. Who is going to take care of me?
I am so tired....I don't know if I am strong enough. I don't want this life; IC told me today that I have no choice. If I didn't have the kids, we could have a different conversation, but I do, so there is no choice but to give up. Move on. I am crushed with the weight of the reality. To give up...to stop when I have been fighting for my kids, for myself, for my H...
and it seems that I was fighting for my worth, too. I carry so much baggage from my childhood, being wrong and a disappointment no matter how well I did, how hard I tried. Seems that this just shows that she was right--I feel unworthy, underserving, not worthwhile, not good enough to keep my husband. I am a failure in saving my marriage.
Yes, I know that none of this is rational. I know that I am better than that. But my heart...it takes a long time to filter down different ideas to the heart.
More therapy tomorrow. At least I know that I need it. Crazy people don't know that they're crazy, right? I did get a sponsor tonight from AlAnon, so I hope that will help. They pledge to take you under their wing, really understand the issues, will take a call night or day, etc. So that was a good thing.
And I came home to a message on the machine from my SIL (married to H's brother), just to lend support and tell me that she was thinking of me, missing me. Another thing to count as a blessing.
Got to get to sleep. night, friends. I will try to catch up with other sitches this weekend, but please know that I think of all of you, often.
