Walk Away Wife - My Sitch

[PMA_Baby!]

First off. I would wait to send a response. You dont want to appear too needy.

Like Jen said. You r not going to convince her to come back by writing a couple emails. Your actions over time will speak for themselves. Might take a long time. Any attempt to make a case for yourself will come off controlling and agrumentative whether u want it to or not. Validation is the key. The "Im sorry that u feel that way" has always been a topic of debate for the validators on here. It doesnt always sound the way it should. It comes off a little negative and in oppostion to validation. What she will hear is "Im sorry that u feel that way because I dont". This stuff is so tricky. What u have said is good. You're on the right tract. Just dont hold onto every word as a way to turn it around. Just listen, mirror what she says, VALIDATE then empathize.


Update on what I plan on sending her. Input would be greatly appreciated.

W,

I am sorry that you feel this way.(remove - comes off negative) I would like to get to know the real you. I know you say that you're not good but (reword - agrumentative) you've shown me so many good things in life. You are full of love and compassion. Those aren't things that I ever pushed you towards. They were already inside you. I didn't push you (reword - negative/agrumentative) to march against the SOA or raise money to help clear landmines. I didn’t push you (reword - negative/agrumentative)to rescue the dogs and cat. You entered the nonprofit world because you love to help people. I have learned so much from you and I will be forever grateful. There may be things that you’re finding out about yourself that are a surprise to you, and might be a surprise to me, but there’s nothing (reword - negative/agrumentative)that you could ever do or be that would be repulsive (use different word/negative conotation) to me. You might not believe that (reword - negative/agrumentative), but it’s true.

I know that I was controlling in the past. I don't know if you will ever see it, but I am learning from my mistakes. (remove - Actions speake louder) Please believe that I've never had anything but unconditional love for you.

B

[JennyF]

I agree with the above 'rewords'. It sounds quite defensive...however I believe you already sent this right?

I agree with waiting to send a response...don't know if I'd wait 2 days...but give yourself some time to think about it.

Overall I think the dialogue is really good and I think she is saying a LOT! I think she is speaking about things that are the basis for working on your R...if she chooses...and if you choose based on what she's bringing to the table. I don't know at what point this would be appropriate to bring up...but if she is interested in working on the things that she's bringing up, perhaps counselling together would be a good idea.

I wouldn't see this bad at all, I wish my H would say these things. I'm dying to figure out where we went wrong so we can work toward resolution. But unfortunately we're nowhere close to that.

B...I know you're emotionally drained, hang in there...it's going to be a long journey!
J~

[bhopeful]

Hi all. Unfortunately I already sent the response that you are all referring to. I posted her reply to it. I'm going to take your advice and sit on it. I need to be in a better place before I can respond.

I am thankful that she's talking to me again. I just wasn't prepared for today's interactions. I don't really know what I thought would happen when we started talking again. There are still a lot of unresolved issues between us. The DB, GAL, and PMA all allowed for this interaction to start taking place, but now I'm not sure how I am supposed to deal with all of the things that she is throwing at me.

Jenny, I wouldn't have thought that we were in this place a couple days ago. It seems to have come out of nowhere which is probably why I feel so off balance right now. So hang in there, you too could find yourself with a whole new set of issues.

[bhopeful]

So here's what I'm thinking of sending her in reply to her latest email (see previous post).

------------
I understand how you feel about our past. I won't make any excuses for the way that I have acted and treated you. What has happened has happened. I am learning and growing from it though. I understand that you've felt restrained in our relationship. I don't want you to feel this way. I want you to be able to be yourself. Thank you for sharing this with me. I really appreciate your openness.
------------

Please give me your input. I'm trying to be validating of her feelings.

[bhopeful]

Any thoughts?

[PMA_Baby!]

Sounds good 2 me.

You're on the right path. Just give her the time and space she's asking for. Like you've heard the fact that she is opening up is a very big step forward. Remember the tug of war game. She gave u a little slack dont make her pull the rope back.

Good luck. B

[JennyF]

B...I like it. It's MUCH less defensive and you are really focused on what she is saying.

J~

[bhopeful]

Thanks Broken and Jenny. I'll send it out then. Thank you both so much for your input. I'll be sure to let you know how it goes.

[MNSoldier]

B,

I also liked your email response...keep us up to date on how it works out. Maybe we could use the same wording? Good Luck.

P.S. Thanks for your support on my thread and have a great Thanksgiving.

MN

[mako]

Hey Bhopeful,

I know you already sent it, but I just want to also say the recent response looks good. It's validating and not defensive, and shows, I think, that you care about her feelings and appreciate where she is and what she's doing.

When the WAW is finally ready to open up, the worst thing we can do is make it uncomfortable or she won't want to do it again. I feel like your response shows understanding on your part--hopefully she'll see that and stay willing to open up in the future (even if not immediately, she's surely going up and down and all around and she might close off again tomorrow, but this should keep her willing to be open again at some point).