Partying with my H's Divorce Lawyer

[Tamashii]

w8ing,

This is hard to hear, but ILY and things of that nature are considered pursuing behavior and will only drive him farther and faster away.
You must make a decision, then do what it takes to implement that decision. If you have decided to DB an MLCer, then you must do what it calls for, regardless of your feelings. At this stage, feelings will only trip you up and make your situation worse. As I have said to many: your first order of business is to not make it worse! That means all forms of pursuing behavior must stop. You cannot dictate what he needs to hear!
When you say that, you really mean "what I want him to hear."
You will talk yourself out of a marriage.

Here are some words of wisdom: (Not mine, but another lady with an MLC H)

Things I did to DB my H while he was living at home and having an MLC:

· I found more ways to focus on my children and myself.

· I forced myself to stop thinking about what my H was doing and how unfair(sound familiar?) it was.

· I realized there is really nothing I could do about my H’s behavior anyway.

· I learned to state boundaries in a friendly non-threatening tone. And to pick and choose those boundaries very carefully. I stated those boundaries quickly and succinctly.

· I tried to process all my emotions in a healthy way that allowed me to stay calm just about 24/7. If I became angry I broke plates against a wall to get out the anger.

· I worked on my self-esteem.

· I started going out once a week and having H watch the kids.

· I tried to stay in touch with my emotions as best as I could and release them as close to the incident as possible even if I thought I felt fine.

· I "acted as if", I was going on with my life, I gave my H some breathing room.

· I tried different 180’s.

· I became more unpredictable. One fourth of July H said he was going out. (Not spending it as a family) So I had a barbeque and invited lots of people over and celebrated without him.

· I became mysterious.

· I stopped initiating any conversation.

· I went to my room as soon as he came home.

· I laughed a lot and enjoyed my kids in my room with the door shut.

· I never made plans that included him.

· I stopped interfering and/or helping along his relationships with the kids.

· I stopped keeping him informed on the kids.

· I avoided R talks.

· I stopped confronting him.

· I left the room first and ended conversations first.

· I was always friendly but distracted.

· I stopped defending myself.

· I listened to him ad-nauseum.

· I sat in therapy sessions and let him express his anger at me until I couldn’t do it anymore.

· I took antidepressants

· Went to counseling by myself.

· Made a list of all of my good points and talents(To remind myself of my worth)

· I took stock of what about myself could be improved and took action.

. I realized that I didn't "blow it" every time I forgot to do one of the things I listed above or lost my temper or a myriad of other little "mistakes" that I made.

. I remembered that I am human and that we humans are imperfect.

· I prayed (I think this is paramount! Get closer to God.)

· I became more focused on what I had to be grateful for.

· I gave the whole situation over to God.


Notes on detachment: Detachment is a process. We detach a little at a time. You may notice that you have a drop in PMA just before you gain a new level of detachment. When dealing with a spouse in MLC, you are detaching for yourself. It is not a technique that will bring your H back into the family (though in some cases it can have that affect). Those in MLC have to complete the process in their own time frame. What we do will not usually shift that course. But, it will minimize damage. Detachment is necessary for the LBS survival. We are normally so wrapped up in our spouses that we cannot function when they leave and they cannot separate from us enough to figure out their own issues and quit focusing on us.


Back to David:

Please start doing what it takes. You have to get past just complaining about what he does and start your own proactive behavior. Go back and listen to those who have been successful at this. I don't mean to sound rude, but there seem to be a lot of newbies here giving you advice. I see very few real DB principles being discussed. This is NOT a forum for just complaining about your relationship. It's designed to show you what you can DO to improve things. Notice I didn't say to improve HIM. You can't do that. Your job is to improve your OWN life while he goes through this, and not make the situation worse by giving into your own urges and emotions. Other people have done it. You can too.

Really!

David