I am doing better. The roller coaster sucks. At least I'm not on it as often anymore...
H went with me to the IC. She finally sent him home, hearing how cold he is, that he can't be there for me, can't help me, doesn't love me anymore, that he is done and will never come home.
I don't want to accept it. I don't want to let go. So, IC said I don't have to let go all at once; we will work on it together. I just so wanted him to hold me today, though...I miss him so much, what we had, my family....
I am going to AlAnon again tonight. I see the IC tomorrow again at 5.
I don't want this life, but at least the thoughts of taking the "easy way" out have subsided. This all hurts so much, and I just don't want to hurt anymore.
I have to work the AlAnon program more. It is so in line with DB and everything else that everyone is trying to tell me. I am afraid. Afraid that I will never have a love like I did, every again in my life. That he is gone forever. That my family joins that ranks of broken, where he can't see the worth in trying to fix it. That my children have to grow up this way, while their father deludes himself that they will be just fine--they deserve so much better!
I have to just go back to going along with him whenever we are in the presence of the other, and not bring any R talk up. It is useless, pointless. I am glad that I have a L to argue the points for me--I will defer to her. No more confrontation. I am exhausted.
