Lissie ... when did you know that you were not going to stand anymore? Obviously I am starting question my endurance, sanity and actually my self-respect. That is why I finally stopped lurking and put myself out before all of you. I am starting to feel foolish. Have I rested my hope on "signs" that deep down I think my xh still deep down loves me? Or is it just wishful thinking?
You just got here lovey
There is alot of standing in you
we all go thru feelings of what if's
it is part of this ride.
Don't let my not standing interfere with your thoughts
Live Simply Love Generously Care Deeply Speak Kindly Leave the rest to God
You know what I find interesting about your H is that you are D'ed, but he still continues to act like a MLC'er with you. Isn't that interesting? I think many people here need to hear that. The legalities are all taken care of, but he still feels the need to mislead you, etc. Your opinion of him still matters to him, thus the lying. You should continue to stand for however long you want. Even if the D already happened.
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
HF7 ....that is what has been so confusing to me. Why does he care what I think? He has dated someone for a year and kept it from all of us (including people he works and coaches with!). His mother talks to me all the time ... and I do not believe that she knows that he has been dating someone. It's like he is leading this secret life. You would think that that would wear on someone after awhile.
The fact that he has acknowledged to my daughter the mess "he" made of our family I felt was a really big thing. To me it was a sign that he's starting to face some of the damage that has been caused. My D and H had a very close relationship before he left and she can get away with saying things to him...and she doesn't pull any punches sometimes. But when what she has to say is calling him on the carpet for his behavior and it is out of his comfort zone, he will change the subject just as though she has never said something. So to then respond to her and say that he has always felt bad about what he did to our family ....in my mind a really big thing. He also, when having this conversation with her told her not to tell me he said those things.
It has been a long weekend. My D confronted her father bacause she was upset that he was not able to spend time with her this weekend to work on her pitching. He was going out of town for the weekend ... and she suspected that it was with the ow. She confronted him on it and he indicated that his "friends" mother had died and that he was going out of town for the funeral for the weekend. He then called me on Friday evening to tell me how important it was that she go to her pitching lesson and that I needed to find a catcher for her for the lesson (he usually catches during lessons). I told him that she tried to find someone to catch but could not.
My D indicated to me that she told her father that he had adopted another family and that we didn't matter anymore. He told me that she said this and he wanted me to know that he had not "adopted" another family and that he was going out of "courtesy". I told him that he did not have to explain anything to me ... but that it did sound like more than "courtesy" to me to spend the entire weekend through visitations and a funeral.
Then I really blew it when I told him that I did not want to discuss this. I cared too much about all of this and I had to find a way not to care.
Then ... not 1 hour later he called me back to discuss some happenings (major problems actuallY) on my D's high school softball team ...the discussion was for no less that 45 minutes. He acted as if the conversation 1 hour before had never taken place.
I just don't know what to think anymore ... it feels like I have been going in this vicious circle for 3 years since he left.
Advice on how I should proceed forward would be helpful. When I try to keep things "business-like" I feel guilty and like I am driving him further away. But when I am my friendly self and he responds I feel hopeful ... to then have him once again become cold and short with me.
Although I have been D'd for over a year our financial situation is a little different than most, I believe. As part of the agreement we agreed to keep our finances together until our home sold ... but who would have known that the housing market would take a downward spiral at the same time ... so two years after going on the market ... we still have not sold. And to top things off our home is a historic home ... so it is a very special population that wants to maintain an older home.
I am not living in the house because it was too difficult for me to take care of by myself. My parents bought me a home which I will purchase from them as soon as the house sells (aren't they wonderful). However both of our paychecks go into a joint checking account and I pay all of the bills. He literally hands them over to me unopened for me to take care of.
I think it might have been a mistake that I moved out of the home that we are trying to sell. Unfortunately he begins projects and then doesn't finish them for months. For instance he started scraping the house on one side this summer ... and it still hasn't been painted. What I try to analyze is whether this is a sign that he really does not want to move on or if he just has no motivation anymore to get things done. I haven't done much to go over and help with the house because it is so very painful for me. But I do think I need to go in and repaint some rooms this winter ... just to make things more "neutral" and appealing to a larger population of buyers.
I also do not have everything of mine out of the house ... basically because I do not know what to do with it all. I have a lot of antiques that I think I should just try to sell. Buying antiques was "our hobby" and I think maybe I should sell what I have.
I don't know, I guess I am at a crossroads ... or maybe it is the holiday blues. I feel like I have been standing forever and I do feel like I am in a hopeless situation. I love my husband very much and we complimented each other in so many ways. But I feel like there has been no movement and I am spinning and spinning.
Ok, is it that I haven't showered, used enough deodorant or did you see that I was sitting here almost naked while typing my posts ... in underwear that are too small for me!!
Just a little advice, encouragement or support would be appreciated
I am amazed at what I have read at your patience and depth of caring.
As for your H and your D, tell him to man up and father up and talk with her instead of through you. Sorry but he is taking the coward way out there.
You have been doing this for 3 years...you know the holidays suck. It is supposed to be a time of family and that reminder drives us deeper into the questions of "what exactly are we doing?"
You also know the tricks to get your mind off of it. Have you been here to long to forget the basics of GALing? I got a reminder from an earlier post today to examine myself and possible 180's, changes for the good inside of me, something I plan on re-evaluting tonight.
I am sorry NJ, I hope that it gets a little easier for you.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Jack! Thanks for responding. I have been thinking that I really need to buckle down and do a 180 ... I am so easily sucked in by him when he contacts me. I think I really need to make an early New Years resolution and really make my self unavailable.
GAL is something else I need to do. I am so involved in my daughters athletics that has become my social life. She does not play a winter sport so I don't have that taking up my time right now.
All of my friends are married ... it is hard to be the 3rd wheel. I suck it up and I am the 3rd wheel when they do think of me. There is not a whole lot to do where I live ... and so I guess I don't know how to get a life. You can only do so much "crafting" and redecorating ... and I don't really think of that can be categorized as getting a life, since I am sitting home alone doing it.
I am truly very lonely ... and I am trying so hard to get past the lonliness of all of this. I want so much to have my family back.
Hi - I don't know your sitch, but would it be possible to move to another town? Or would that disrupt your d too much?
I got involved in charity work, and met new people there. My work is quite absorbing too. Perhaps you need to rethink your life. A 180 for you. Anything is possible. You are much younger than me, and I moved, and re-started my career, taken up music, skating and ballet. Tried yoga and pilates . . . travelled a lot. Dress differently, grew my hair, lost some weight . .
