L2 is so right, we all believe in you and know you can and will do this. I know it's about believing it yourself too though. You'll get there.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
I am doing better. The roller coaster sucks. At least I'm not on it as often anymore...
H went with me to the IC. She finally sent him home, hearing how cold he is, that he can't be there for me, can't help me, doesn't love me anymore, that he is done and will never come home.
I don't want to accept it. I don't want to let go. So, IC said I don't have to let go all at once; we will work on it together. I just so wanted him to hold me today, though...I miss him so much, what we had, my family....
I am going to AlAnon again tonight. I see the IC tomorrow again at 5.
I don't want this life, but at least the thoughts of taking the "easy way" out have subsided. This all hurts so much, and I just don't want to hurt anymore.
I have to work the AlAnon program more. It is so in line with DB and everything else that everyone is trying to tell me. I am afraid. Afraid that I will never have a love like I did, every again in my life. That he is gone forever. That my family joins that ranks of broken, where he can't see the worth in trying to fix it. That my children have to grow up this way, while their father deludes himself that they will be just fine--they deserve so much better!
I have to just go back to going along with him whenever we are in the presence of the other, and not bring any R talk up. It is useless, pointless. I am glad that I have a L to argue the points for me--I will defer to her. No more confrontation. I am exhausted.
Tonight's topic was joy. AlAnon members often hold onto joy so tightly that they kill it, always afraid that it will be gone when they let their guard down.
I shared how I am afraid that I won't have joy in my life again--yes, there are moments when I am happy, but there is always this dark cloud over everything; it is never far away. I am afraid that no one will ever love me the way he loved me, once. That I won't love anyone else the way I love him.
I am afraid that the misery and loneliness that I have right now will stretch out forever.
It is 11:30 at night, and I just heard the CW's truck come home from being with him.
I am afraid of letting go, that I won't be able to hold onto the tether I have to this earth.
Whenever I had to go through something hard, (both parents' deaths, the baby having skull/brain surgery, childbirth, etc.), he was always there to hold me, and I felt safe and loved in his arms. The sound of his heart. I don't have that anymore when I need it the most. I can't seem to find a sense of peace. He refuses to be that for me. I asked him to just hold me today, not even talk, and he says it won't help me.
He wants me to focus on the kids, take care of the kids. Who is going to take care of me?
I am so tired....I don't know if I am strong enough. I don't want this life; IC told me today that I have no choice. If I didn't have the kids, we could have a different conversation, but I do, so there is no choice but to give up. Move on. I am crushed with the weight of the reality. To give up...to stop when I have been fighting for my kids, for myself, for my H...
and it seems that I was fighting for my worth, too. I carry so much baggage from my childhood, being wrong and a disappointment no matter how well I did, how hard I tried. Seems that this just shows that she was right--I feel unworthy, underserving, not worthwhile, not good enough to keep my husband. I am a failure in saving my marriage.
Yes, I know that none of this is rational. I know that I am better than that. But my heart...it takes a long time to filter down different ideas to the heart.
More therapy tomorrow. At least I know that I need it. Crazy people don't know that they're crazy, right? I did get a sponsor tonight from AlAnon, so I hope that will help. They pledge to take you under their wing, really understand the issues, will take a call night or day, etc. So that was a good thing.
And I came home to a message on the machine from my SIL (married to H's brother), just to lend support and tell me that she was thinking of me, missing me. Another thing to count as a blessing.
Got to get to sleep. night, friends. I will try to catch up with other sitches this weekend, but please know that I think of all of you, often.
No, OT...it was my hope that he would see the value in trying to work on the marriage, work on ourselves to become the people who we always wanted to be, to be the parents who our children deserved. I even told him that when I asked him to come home, it wasn't literal--it was to start the work, to go to therapy, to TRY, together. He has no interest. He has done all the thinking he wants to do. And he did it alone in his head--we just all have to deal with the decisions, with no discussion.
Rephrase--he did it along with the feedback from a girlfriend who has wanted him for years and reinforces every crappy thing that pops into his head.
No, OT, I don't want the man who he is now. But I believed in him, in the goodness within him, for so long. I remember...I am in love with a ghost.
The person you remember is not a whole person capable of being in a healthy R. So, one might thing you want neither the person he was then or the person he is now.
This is about YOU and your fears. It isn't about some magical thing that only STBX can give you. He didn't give you real authentic love of a healthy sort, nor can he.
You aren't losing something you never had. You realize what you want and hate to acknowledge that you never had it. Much better is in store for you. No need to hold onto a ghost of what never was.
P.S. FWIW, I think you'd be MUCH better off not dating for awhile. Right now, it seems to me that all you are doing is looking for a "safe cigarette" to quelch your nicotine cravings. Deny all you want, but you are looking for a fix. The first codependent guy to swing your way that is of reasonable intelligence and attractiveness is very dangerous to you. Just find yourself. Be.
