new here. Feel like dying

[ms ladybug]

Well, h has been staying the nights with me at home. He hasn't moved back home and still goes to get ready everyday at his parents house where he's staying.

He again asked me the other night about Tennessee. I told him that I couldn't make a decision about moving with the way our marriage currently is. He told me our marriage would be different because I'd respect him and we'd be happy.

He is completely failing to take responsibility in our marriage problems! He keeps asking if I've changed, but nothing from his end.
He showed his ugly self last night, when he yelled at me for turning on the light in the living room. I didn't see him sleeping, and apoligized and turned it off as soon as I saw him. But, he said some pretty hurtful things, very loudly in front of the kids. He then yelled at me for not cleaning the car, and "changing."
I'm thinking that I was never able to live up to his expectations before we seperated, I'm not able to do it now either. He wants a spot-less house (I work full-time and do 95% of the child-care stuff like cooking, baths, books, diapers, laundry, etc...) and he refuses to pitch in. He then gets mad when the car isn't spotless. And, I really do mean he wants everything SPOTLESS. I do all of our finances (and he refuses to help). I feel like I DO ABSOLUTELY everything and still get yelled at daily, because it's not good enough, or not done in a timely manner (laundry may sit for a couple days before being folded and put away, or dishes may be left in sink over-night).

I'm beginning to feel like I don't know why I ever wanted him to come back, and I'm more confused then ever! I know I made vows to him and to God...but, I'm also seeing why I asked him to leave in the first place.

To top it off, he tells me that he's struck up a friendship with a girl from work. He says it's nice to have female companionship with someone that respects him, and expects nothing from him. I asked him if they went out, and he says they went to Denny's, but so far nothing's happened.

So, would any of my changes (which I AM working on - certainly NOT perfected) change my h? I mean, is there a point when reconciling that BOTH parties admit to their contribution to the problems?

I'm so confused and don't know what I want.
I counseled an older couple yesterday (nutrition counseling) and they we're so cute, married 50+ years, so in love, and I thought "that's what I want!" And I'm beginning to think THAT'S what I want, not the marriage I have (or had), but the FANTASY marriage, that I clearly won't get from h. Beleive me, I couldn't ever get that from h. He's a cynical, crude, crusty cop with anger issues and a touch of OCD.

Just really needing to vent...