w8ing Hi I have had a few R talks with H over the last 9 months and every time he says the same thing he has been honest with me(bomb)IDLYA in his mind, that honesty lets him off the hook to any proir comittments to me or family and people will/have validated that for him He made the right desicion to leave nothing I have ever said has worked and I dont even think he has heard me(they say MLC's forget conversations anyway) I think it is ok to talk now and again to let them know where we are and to hear what they are thinking I talked to H the other day..He revealed some info to me that was helpful said he was fine being S..not thinking about D so at least i know where he is.was at that moment and that could change You may get something from him that helps or not the next day is usually painful for me good luck oeace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
I have had a few R talks with H over the last 9 months and every time he says the same thing he has been honest with me(bomb)IDLYA in his mind, that honesty lets him off the hook to any proir comittments to me or family and people will/have validated that for him He made the right desicion to leave nothing I have ever said has worked and I dont even think he has heard me(they say MLC's forget conversations anyway)
YEP, YEP, YEP !!!! SAME HERE !
As if saying ILYBNILWY anymore is enough excuse to leave us all hanging !!!
Love Cinders xxx
"In the depths of my winter, I realized there is within me an invincible summer" Albert Camus
While I think that there is a good chance that if you give it to him and leave, he may not respond to it.
This might not be bad, this is about you telling him something that you need him to hear. (And he needs to hear it, he just doesn't want to.)
If you desire a response, you can always ask him for one later, after he has cooled down, had time to think.
H reading it with you waiting might also make him feel like he is being pushed, and his initial response to the letter is probably not going to be good.
If he has time to read it and digest what is there, the response may be a little better. We can always hope.
It's too bad we can't make a card with a pop-up 2x4. Wham! Wake up.
Oooh, open it again.
Last edited by theforlornhope; 11/20/0702:29 PM.
-------------- The Forlorn Hope:...A picked body of men detached to the front to begin the attack....Fortified, meaning strengthened to stand...and thus, positioned for victory
I have little to add but ditto to everyone; I think this place is full of lived wisdom!
As for letting him see you mad or angry - that's something I have been working on myself. I don't do that - I can get mad at things but I don't let my H see me mad at him usually. I have been trying to do so since that is being honest with him (as he's being with us, right?).
Writing a letter can be wonderful -- and can also be a catalyst. When my H walked out, he first told me and then handed me a letter he had written repeating everything he had said just in case I hadn't caught it!!!!! I wrote him back one, saying how he wasn't getting out of this easily. Since then, though, R discussions are usually painful. I keep those letters (I kept a copy of the one I gave to him) for... I don't know what. Still, it did allow both of us to say painful things without the pain of having to be pulled into side-alleys of issues. You can always write the letter and then not send it, although giving it to him would maybe be helpful for your own self-preservation and self-esteem.
But as I'm still at the beginning of this journey, just know that I'm following along and sending good thoughts of strength and courage!
W8ing, just wanted to touch on something Anned said about writing it and not sending it.
This may sound silly, but I've written several and torn them up. I actually feel better after writing them. I don't keep any of the ones I didn't send though.
-------------- The Forlorn Hope:...A picked body of men detached to the front to begin the attack....Fortified, meaning strengthened to stand...and thus, positioned for victory
This may sound silly, but I've written several and torn them up.
This is a tremendous catharsis. I have written so many of these letters it isn't funny. I know some people who have made little altars and actually burned the letters. They got great release from that. Apply the 48 hour rule to these letters. If you feel incensed, write your letter, but wait 48 hours before doing anything with it. Chances are, you'll feel differently. The WORST thing you can do is get p*ssed off, write a letter and send it off immediately. You will always feel sorry for doing this.
Same with phone calls.
Do this with the love letters, too. You may have these feelings as well, but the time may not be right to reveal them. MLCers aren't too happy with ILY while in the tunnel. They run faster.
I waited 6 months with a letter before I sent it. I would review it every so often and change the wording, because I realized I had grown and I no longer wanted to phrase a particular thought in a certain way. When I was ready, I ran it past some people on the board who are better at this DBing stuff than I am. One more rule of thumb: if you DO write this sort of letter, expect NOTHING in return. My biggest mistake was writing an apology letter and sending it with an expected outcome. I don't know how far I set myself back by doing that.
David
The fires of true love can never be quenched, because the source of its flame is God Himself! - Shulamith
W8ing, just wanted to touch on something Anned said about writing it and not sending it.
This may sound silly, but I've written several and torn them up. I actually feel better after writing them. I don't keep any of the ones I didn't send though.
-------------- The Forlorn Hope:...A picked body of men detached to the front to begin the attack....Fortified, meaning strengthened to stand...and thus, positioned for victory
H did show up for parent conferences today. Didn't say much to me or at conferences. Didn't mention a thing about the settlement proposal....and, of course, neither did I.
I have been thinking about this all day. I think the thing that really hit me today is whether or not to talk to him or write him a letter and what I would say. And it occurred to me that I don't know if I could say "I love you" to him.
He has caused so much pain to me and to so many people the I love.
He has disregarded our vows and has been having an affair.
He has proposed a division of assets that has his best interests in mind....not mine and not the girls. His interests.
I simply don't think that I can say or write these words to him.
Peace, Cinders, Forlorn, David and Anned - I just don't know what to do. I know that I am spinning right now and I am getting better at this (spinning). I was able to function today which is a far cry from when all of this first started and I couldn't get out of bed.
On one hand, maybe he does need to hear that I am here for him and that I want to save our marriage. I don't know that he knows this...he knows that I don't believe in divorce, but there seems to be a difference with one being a concept (not believing in D) and the other being directly about him.
On the other hand, will he listen or care? I don't know that it would make me feel better. Yes, it would set the record straight so to speak, but if his reaction is bad, what does it matter what is on record.
I am just rambling.
I have to be honest, guys. I am so scared right now. I am really, really scared.
Hi w8ing- I am sorry you are scared. The thought of telling your H anything is probably making you feel vulnerable...I don't blame you. You don't have to tell your H you love him and it probably isn't what you should do anyway...Besides, do any of us really love our alien spouse? I don't. Can you just tell him something like you understand he needs time and space to figure things out, but you still believe in your marriage and that you don't want the D.
Don't stress about this...take your time and think it through...
If you want to bounce ideas around, we will try to help you sort this out.
