Cemar, I got so ticked off at my W after our first C session back in July, that I couldnt see straight. My W told so many lies, and the C believed everything she said. I looked straight at the C and asked her how long has she known my W? I told the C that I have known her for 22+ years and you have known her for less than a hour, and already she has you hoodwinked. We each drove seperately, and when my W left, she got on her cell and I am sure called the OM and filled him in. I told her when we got home to pack up her things and leave, since that is what she wanted. She said in C that she wanted out, that she wanted to be alone, and that she didnt want any relationship with anyone! Wow, I then came back to her about her relationship with the OM, and she told me he was just a friend and that he had been through a D before and he was just helping her. A friend doesnt help another friend get a divorce. They are supposed to be there to listen and support. When I told her to get out, she stared at me and said she had no place to go. I told her to call the OM, and then have him drive 100 miles to pick her up. And then I told her to call his W and tell her to make room for her in the house b/c it wont be long before its over. This is all classic MLC, as I found a website where my W found the OM, who by the way was her old high school bf from 1975! She dated this guy while she was a senior in HS. She put her HS pix on this site, and posts of all the things she and her friends did while in school. This is all a fantasy, and she is getting her jollies from it. Am still trying to DB, and I am going to have to make a decision soon as to what I am going to do, as I cant take living in the same house with her. My S18 has been home for the holiday since friday nite, and has only slept here one night. He doesnt want to be home knowing his mom is causing big problems. My D20 is coming and going, and she knows her mom is behaving strangely. Dont know what is going to happen when they find out about her A, and it may happen sooner than later. I am going to give her an ultimatum later this week when everyone is home to go to retrouvaille in January, and if she doesnt, I am going to call a family meeting and spill the beans. Dont want to hurt the kids with this, but they are already hurting b/c of the W. Thanks for your response Cemar. Take care.
I didn't stop writing completely. I would reply to other posts but there just wasn't anything to say about my own. It has just been at a stand-still. I have been very depressed and the doctor has put me on Zoloft. I can't tell any difference at all yet. I am a little afraid b/c I am beginning to feel like I did before when I met the OM on the internet. I am beginning to doubt my love for my H b/c I can't feel anything. I know I love him, but you know the rest of that statement about not feeling in love. I also know everything that has been said about doing the actions and then the feelings will come. That was what I was trying to do during the time you were referring to. I tried to throw myself into church work more, but then I had to resign some of the jobs b/c of my health. This weekend is going to be so hard for me b/c I have to decorate the church plus help prepare Thanksgiving dinner. I am not up to it. I missed church Sunday and work yesterday. I am just so down, I want to cry whenever I think about everything I have to do. Hopefully, I will pull out of it in time.
Thanks for being my friend. I need all I can get right now. I don't feel like I have any friends in real life. I have my family, which I am very thankful for, but haven't been very close to this past year, except for my mother. I have the church, but not really any friends there. You know, you have the people you work with....but they aren't your friends, and then the people you go to church with, but they aren't your friends.....so, I just don't have any. And, of course, you know about my H and me.....so I just feel alone right now. That is when a woman is very vulnerable. I just pray I can start feeling better so I can work hard. When I am able to do that, most of the time, these feelings go away, but when I can't....then they get worse.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
i'm sorry you feel bad. I think that for someone such as yourself... if you have a good church, then sometimes, the best thing you can do, is drag yourself there (or have someone else drag you ), and it will make you feel a bit better.
This isnt true for ALL churches. But I know it would be true for my one.
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I just pray I can start feeling better so I can work hard.
Sandi... God Loves You. You dont have to work harder like that, to earn His love. Maybe He's trying to get you to stop "working so hard", and think more, instead.
Do you remember a month ago, when He made you stop...and then you had more time to think... and that was the point at which you tried some new things with your husband.. even though you didnt "feel" up to it really... and you had wonderful results?
Please go back, and re-read my previous post. Take the time to think about what happened, and what changed, between when you were doing all those positive things with your husband, and showing each other affection.... and when it stopped.
It sounds like it stopped a few weeks ago. So it might be difficult to remember. but please try.
If you really cant, or dont WANT to remember... then maybe God wants you to just try again, doing the GOOD things you did last time... but this time, pay more attention, and notice when things change... and then WRITE them here
God bless you.
Last edited by Dom R; 11/21/0707:15 PM.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
Why are you focusing on what is NOT important? How is taking on more work (with your physical problems) going to help your intimacy problems with your husband? How do you expect to INCREASE your desire by physically wearing yourself out? Why are your trying to bury yourself into things that have no relevance to your marriage?
Sandi, I hope you are feeling better. I know how marital and physical issues can create a kind of spiritual crisis. I do think you are close to finding your peace of mind, but don't be so hard on yourself. Huggggs.
Cemar, what is it that I am focusing on that is not important? I have given up all my jobs at the church but one and will resign that as soon as Christmas is over. The only reason I threw myself into work was to fill the void that was always in my life. But, since I won't have those jobs any longer, there won't be that problem. I don't see where that was a problem where my intimacy was concerned. It made no difference if I felt great of bad.......nothing changed. Maybe I don't understand what you are referring to.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks RealJourney, I appreciate that. I confess that I do feel very down now. I cannot tell the Zoloft is helping at all. I think it may be decreasing my sex drive......not that it would matter. I don't want to gain weight and I've heard that Zoloft will make you gain. I haven't wanted much to eat so far, but noticed I have already gained 5 pounds! But, I go up and down like that in a matter of two or three days. Anyway, thanks for your concern and the hugs.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Contrary to Cemar's opinion when a person is depressed they do need positive physical activity ( some modest exercise), positive social activity (church counts) and yes, maybe even some work that makes them feel that they are contributing. I understand that the church jobs are coming to a close but I do encourage you to find some positive activities to engage in. These things don't sap your strength. They increase it.
Sandi - hang in there. The holidays can be difficult for people. It is just a very busy, demanding time and few of us celebrate the "perfect" hallmark holiday in this day and age. I am more and more grateful for the beautiful holidays that my Mom always put together for our family.
Concentrate on being YOU. Not on being perfect but on being you. Maybe get yourself a lovely journal and some great gel pens and keep a gratitude journal. Add a few happy newspaper/magazine clippings or other scraps like that and imagine what you might want to strive for in your life. Look for themes to emerge. I know you have no energy right now but these kinds of things are where your energy will come from. And..........
Get a therapist if you don't have one. Get a GOOD one! (many are not).
I just feel alone right now. That is when a woman is very vulnerable. I just pray I can start feeling better so I can work hard. When I am able to do that, most of the time, these feelings go away, but when I can't....then they get worse.
Sandi...
no reply to my earlier post to you?
thinking about it?
What you are describing in this last paragraph of your earlier post, what you are describing, is hiding from your feelings. being "too busy to feel".
you still have the feelings. you're just burying them. that's not good for you.
you can do something positive about them though. The first step, is to choose to do something positive, rather than trying to ignore or escape from them. The next step, is in figuring out what the "something" is.
we can help you figure out what that something is, if you go back to my post to you on the 21st there, and answer the questions that I asked you there.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
), and it will make you feel a bit better.