Short - thanks for this. Yes, I know that my h felt old. My mother had died recently, and our eldest son had got engaged, while the two younger ones were parading through the house with ravishingly pretty girls. To someone a bit daft in the head it all got a bit much, clearly.
I do find the fact that he harps on about it suggests that he probably has to keep telling himself that.
The OW clearly doesn't believe it because she won't let him spend any time alone with me . . . that she has any control over.
angelica and short1, I can relate to what you are both saying. They do try to convince themselves they are no longer attracted to us. It is all a "bunch of hooey" (I just had to say that, lol). They are right to a small extent but only in the wild, naughty sort. We are routine and boring and acceptable. The OP is unknown and crazy and exciting. There is nothing wrong with us. It is what all people have to face in their lives but how they deal with it depends on how healthy they are emotionally and morally. We all are weak so people make mistakes but some seem to go overboard.
Angelica, I agree completely with your assessment that he was trying to convince himself that he was no longer attracted to you. Short1 has already experienced her husband being at least somewhat honest that he is still attracted to her although he "lied" to her (and himself) earlier.
In my sitch, my W told me she was not attracted to me and, worse, men in general. I know that isn't true because I am a people watcher and I have seen it when she noticed a guy (thinking I didn't notice her attraction). Also, pardon me for sharing this, during our intimate times, certain discussions told me that she is hetero by specific biological reactions (again sorry for TMI). Further, after being gone for 6+ months she made a comment that maybe sometime, if I am okay with the OP, we could have some... I ignored that comment because I am monogamous, consider the long term implications, trying to follow what I am supposed to do, etc. If she wasn't attracted to me she would not even have entertained the idea.
Again, I apologize for sharing something very personal, but I am trying to make a point that I am sure you are still attractive to him. He is, again, simply messed up.
Me:56, W:51 D:26,S:24,S:22 Married:18 Bomb 9/27/06 Separated 11/27/06 Divorced 10/6/08 Leaving it up to God
The not being attractive is just so devastating, and some MLCers clearly don't share this, and continue to want intmacy with their partners.
Oddly enough I think that guilt also plays apart in this. In a warped way, believing I am not attractive makes it 'OK' for him to have an affair . . .
I do find things easier to cope with if I understand what may be going on . . . . So thanks to everyone, for reassuring me it happens to others, and isn't necessarily irreversable.
I was so confused. My h kept saying it wasn't me, it was him! I struggled with this for a long time!
Mine has always said this.
Of course he also said that he had no complaints about our M and he swore he would never leave me.
Now he's turned into a monster. Well, you all know, you have your own. Blech.
Isn't it strange how many of us have the same story basically.
My H used to counsel couples and now he denies what he said to THEM. He has said over and over that this isn't about me, but then all his problems with our sitch evolve around EVERYTHING ABOUT ME. I, according to him, have a fairy-tale version of our M. He lost interest in me years ago. I can't talk to him about his version of reality. In his addled brain he really believes this is the truth.
Angelica, everyone else sees me differently than my H does. To him I am a burden. He can't see what he has because he doesn't want to and neither does yours.
I don't think there is anything we can do except keep becoming the best we can be while they are out to lunch.
Hugs, Sun
"Tell me what you plan to do with your one wild and precious life." Mary Oliver
Sun, I would agree with all you said! The only thing I would do differently is whack you h with a 2 x 4 on a regular basis.
I liked that you called him on wanting to leave. Personally I think it would do him good to leave for a while, and sort his dumb-assed apology for a brain out. Just MO It hurts me to see him hurting you so much. Detachment is so much easier when you don't see them.
My h really believes I am in denial about our marriage!
I have a strong suspicion that he is telling people that I am crazy. Hugs A
They do "tell" a different version of who we are to others! I learned this first hand when I spoke to the OW! I was crushed that Rich portrayed me as never loving him. And many others things she said...
Just remember YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE and you know what was contributed to where we are now.
AND...look at wonderful beings we are now
Change the Policy. Allow PM's Free all of us.
Also some new and improved emoticons would be nice!
Sun, I would agree with all you said! The only thing I would do differently is whack you h with a 2 x 4 on a regular basis.
This made me smile. That is rare sometimes.
You know, my H thinks I'm in denial too. Ughh.
He hasn't come home. He doesn't have any of his things. Who knows where he is? Who cares? Not me. I'm more worried about what he'll be like if he comes home. Maybe he's out looking for a place to live.
Hugs, Sun
"Tell me what you plan to do with your one wild and precious life." Mary Oliver
This thread has me thinking today. I notice so many LBS have similar feeling and so many MLCers say and do the same thing when it comes to affairs. I wonder if the reason is the replay idea.
For some people their self imagine as attractive is low or lacking. During MLC, I think those people have affairs because it is their most unresolved issue. It is an issue that has probably alway been there. It feels like the suddenness of my H's actions is more of a slow build to an explosion. Kind of like heating popcorn, nothing happens for a long time and then all of a sudden corn is flying everywhere.
It is not so much that our marriage was no good, but that he was unhappy about himself and THAT unhappiness grew and finally effected our marriage. I felt that unhappiness and rather than see it as his problem, I took it as something wrong with me. As a result, I began to feel less attractive also. Then, feeling less attractive myself, found it harder to let him know he was attractive to me, as I was walking around trying to get him to tell me I was still attractive. He was walking around trying to get me to tell him he was still attractive. What a mess and none of it spoken. Then comes some OP who fills the gap. The OP pours on the "you are everything" bit, and next thing you know, affair.
So, in the spirit of DB, I need to affirm myself as an attractive, worthy person and act it. My H has to get to a place where he can also do that for himself. I am getting there. Will he? Who knows. At that point the OP will have no hold on him and the relationship will stand or fall on its own merits. The LBS has to get there with no help. As hard as it is, it is deeper and longer lasting. We have to feel good about ourselves on our own, without anyone to tell us it true. It is why so often LBS go on to have better lives in the end, they do the work. It is no always so for the WA.
Got interrupted by my son on ichat. Wanted to add to my post.
The reason I think it is harder for the spouse who leaves to grow is that they are using the OP to validate them. As long as that goes on they delay or sometimes miss the opportunity to self validate.
LBSs have to in order to get on alone. It also explains why many LBS don't reconnect when given the chance. Often they grow so much the WA can't catch up.
Just my thoughts here...but maybe not so off the mark?
