H did show up for parent conferences today. Didn't say much to me or at conferences. Didn't mention a thing about the settlement proposal....and, of course, neither did I.
I have been thinking about this all day. I think the thing that really hit me today is whether or not to talk to him or write him a letter and what I would say. And it occurred to me that I don't know if I could say "I love you" to him.
He has caused so much pain to me and to so many people the I love.
He has disregarded our vows and has been having an affair.
He has proposed a division of assets that has his best interests in mind....not mine and not the girls. His interests.
I simply don't think that I can say or write these words to him.
Peace, Cinders, Forlorn, David and Anned - I just don't know what to do. I know that I am spinning right now and I am getting better at this (spinning). I was able to function today which is a far cry from when all of this first started and I couldn't get out of bed.
On one hand, maybe he does need to hear that I am here for him and that I want to save our marriage. I don't know that he knows this...he knows that I don't believe in divorce, but there seems to be a difference with one being a concept (not believing in D) and the other being directly about him.
On the other hand, will he listen or care? I don't know that it would make me feel better. Yes, it would set the record straight so to speak, but if his reaction is bad, what does it matter what is on record.
I am just rambling.
I have to be honest, guys. I am so scared right now. I am really, really scared.
