Maybe a bit of "self-protection" to help you detach.
Dom, yup, I'm sure there's some of that in there, as well. I think I mentioned that in some earlier posts...
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Do you feel like you just don't want to rock the boat?
Dave...maybe a little...? I do have this whole conflict-avoidance thing I've been trying to work on. It extends into other areas of my life, and really gets me into a lot of trouble.
I think Ellie nailed it, though:
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thought I was too good for that jealousy stuff
I can recall, even when I was much younger, thinking jealousy was a terrible thing. I didn't want to be that person. I can remember watching movies or listening to songs, and, even as a kid, thinking that behavior was dumb and unnecessary. I just didn't see why the partner (whomever) would get upset about some things. It seemed too selfish.
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Got into an argument with xh. (I started it. Before I even read here this morning.) He still doesn't think we're playing married. (Um. Hello?) You know, since we're not ML. He did tell me, again, that I'm the only one he can depend on, the only one he really trusts, how comfortable it is around me, likes spending time with me, talking about his issues with me, etc. I point-blank asked him why he thinks that's not paralleling being married. His answer? "I don't know."
Bleh.
I told him that acting like a divorced couple would mean talking less, hanging out less, less time with the kid, etc. He got really mad, said I had no right to keep his kid from him. I told him I didn't do it, that it was a consequence of divorce. Got the whole "but I thought we were being cool" nonsense again. He tried to tell me (again) that I shouldn't prevent him from seeing his kid by withholding a key to my apartment from him. I said I give a key to a bf; as he's not that, he doesn't get a key. He said that he gives keys to his friends. I said that it didn't matter; this is my boundary, and I am not him. I told him he had no legal right to a key. Which he interpreted as me "threatening" him, and he started yelling about going to find a lawyer. (Um. Okay. Be my guest...I think he would be in for a rude surprise.) When he started cursing at me, I just hung up.
He called me back. I didn't answer. He left me a vm (crying), saying he wouldn't yell. So I called him back. He was in tears, saying how he didn't get to see his kid as much as he'd like, he didn't want to go without seeing him, and how I was doing this to him. I just told him, again, that that is what happens when you get divorced. And, that he needed to accept the consequences of his actions. He kept going on about how he had been "honest" with me, and "talking" to me, so he didn't understand why I was confused. I told him I had no intention of keeping the baby away from him; told him that the baby can stay with him tonight, as that was what we had already decided.
He had a call from his boss, and I had to go to a meeting, so the convo was stopped there. I sent him a quick text saying I didn't want to have Thanksgiving with JD. He said he would tell her she "shouldn't come". It was amazingly easy. I just need to learn to do that more...
We finished the discussion a bit later. He seemed rattled, but no more anger or crying or anything. He kept asking what he had to do to continue to see his baby everyday. I have to admit, after I had pushed and started this whole discussion...I had no idea what to say!
xh said that he knows this situation won't work longterm. After I told him that I really wasn't looking for him to pick a direction right now (he'd freak out, and repeatedly say "I can't"...it was the only way I could get him to continue talking), he said he wants to make sure he's around as much as possible while the baby is still young. After some bickering, I told him I needed to understand his viewpoint, so had two hypothetical situations.
One. We are never going to date again, he has no intentions of dating me at any point in the future. I asked him why he would want to change the current arrangement--didn't he have pretty much everything he could want? He insisted no, no he didn't. That he expected, in this scenario, when the baby hit 18-24 months, we'd split the time more evenly. He insisted it was because he didn't want to separate the baby much from me, and that
Or two. We wind up reconciling. In this situation, I pointed out he would have to cut off contact with JD. He said he knew that would also mean he would have to change his friendships with MY and MN. He said he knew I wouldn't make him give up MY (in my head I thought, "Should I? We both think she's interested in him."), but that he wouldn't hang out with them alone anymore. I did say it would have to shift to more of a group of friends--with all of us.
xh also said he did think it was kind of weird that he invited JD, but had left it alone because I had said it was okay. (See? I'm creating my own problems here.)
I got lots of "I'm not ready for any of that" and "I don't know." He did say that he doesn't do the touchy-feely thing anymore with FF's, that he knows that was wrong. And, xh said how much he likes spending time with just me and the baby, that it's nice. He wanted to know what he had said that brought all this up. I emphasized it wasn't anything he had said, just that I had been questioning a lot of things about myself. And that, I wondered if I was letting him get away with too much. He seems to think that this is just about the ML--he said "But we don't do that anymore."
I did tell him that I enjoyed the time together, too, that it's nice. He kept saying "We're out here alone, we don't have anyone else." I told him that that was one of the things that feels very M-ish to me...the favors, the lending money, etc. I also told him, if it's so nice, if we get along so well, if you're so comfortable with me, then what's the problem? That sounds like a pretty good M to me. Him: "I don't know. That's what I'm trying to figure out." I did tell him that just finding a new partner wouldn't fix it. Him: "I don't know."
Here's the kicker. After our talk...I'm not that mad at him anymore. Actually, I'm looking forward to spending the evening with him. Gah!! I get the feeling that I should be more mad...but maybe that's a misconception...maybe I'm actually upset with myself because I suspect I should be keeping more distant...?
