Walk Away Wife - My Sitch

[bhopeful]

Jenny, you are a complete sweetheart. Thank you so much for your input. Here is one more revision:

I know that this journey that you are on can be very confusing and scary. I have faith that you will make it through though and you will be better for it. Don't be scared of finding your true self. I have seen her and she is beautiful.

I think you would be surprised by what we could overcome. I have definitely left room in my life and my heart for you. Don't ever feel like I am excluding you because of the changes that I am going through. I still have my bad days as I'm sure that you have your good days. We both have long roads to travel. I don't see our differences as an obstacle. I see them as a blessing.


I changed the long roads part since that's what I meant anyhow. I also took out the love part, but I still want to let her know that I think that we could overcome any of the problems that she thinks she would be bringing into my life. Don't be nervous Jenny, you've been a wonderful sounding board for me so far.

[bhopeful]

I'm so lost now. Here is her response:

I feel like you are much more mellow now... more religious and more sure of what you want than me. I never felt like you could handle who I was before, now I'm feeling like I am definitely more than what you can handle. I don't think anyone has ever really seen the real me Brian. That is the thing about all of this. I was a different person with you... I felt like I had to be someone perfect for you... someone church-like and 'good'.... I'm not like that. Would you want to be with someone like that? Or more like, Would you want to be with someone like that?
I want to be able to look at someone and love the way they love me... I'm not sure I could ever do that with you because I felt like you were always trying to change me or submerge a part of me into some unknown place so no one would know it was there....


I don't know what to do. I think that she's saying that it's over. I'm ruined. I don't know what to say to her. Please help me.

[JennyF]

B...Don't be ruined! She's opening up to you...that is good. Validate it. Really try to understand what she means by 'this different person with you'.

She is so confused...not certain of what she wants...don't think of that as over. On the contrary...I think this is the beginning of you two finally beginning to talk about the root of the problem. See this as a huge step forward...not backward.
Try to keep it about her and her feelings...not about yours.

Look for the small positives. Don't get defensive. Validate how she feels. Ask what she needs/wants from you. What is missing for her. Go back to the DR and read what to do in this situation.

I wish I could be more help!!
J~

[bhopeful]

I don't know how to validate how she feels when it all seems so negative. I don't see any positives in the last email. Where in the DR does it talk about this situation? I skimmed through looking for something, but didn't find it.

I want to apologize to her for anytime that she didn't see my love for her as unconditional. Tell her that I'm sorry that she felt she had to change or be different for me. I don't really know what she means by this though. I want to tell her that I can handle her. That I can and do love her like she wants to be loved. I want to know the real her once she figures it out.

I don't think any of that is following the DB rules though.

[bhopeful]

This is what I'm thinking of sending her?

W,

I would like to get to know the real you then. I don't know how you can say that you're not good when you've shown me so many good things in life. You have lead me to church and God more than any other person. You are full of love and compassion. Those aren't things that I ever pushed you towards. They were already inside you. I didn't push you to march against the SOA or raise money to help clear landmines. You entered the nonprofit world because you love to help people. I have learned so much from you and I will be forever grateful.

I know that I was controlling in the past. I don't know if you will ever see it, but I have learned from my mistakes. I hope that someday you can forgive me. Please believe that I've never had anything but unconditional love for you.

B


Feedback please...

[JennyF]

Ok...stop saying negative. Choose to see some positive. Was she sharing this with you a week ago? Nope. Did you (or she for that matter) know she felt this way when the bomb dropped. Nope. This is progress. It's taken her this time to even come to these conclusions...it's going to take more time to make sense of it.

I want to be able to look at someone and love the way they love me... I'm not sure I could ever do that with you because I felt like you were always trying to change me or submerge a part of me into some unknown place so no one would know it was there....

You see this as negative....well how about this...
"I want to be able to look at someone and love the way they love me"....she knows what she wants and now you know too! Somewhere to start.
"I'm not sure I could ever do that with you"...She didn't say she can't...she said she's NOT SURE.
"She felt like you were trying to change her"...Now you know something you did wrong and you can look more closely at yourself.

It's all how you decide to see it and you need to BHOPEFUL!! It's your name for crying out loud!


I think that all validation requires is a heartfelt, "I understand how you feel" or "I'm sorry you feel that way" or "tell me more about that" or "explain to me more about why you feel that way". Even if what she is saying is negative doesn't mean you shouldn't validate it. These are her feelings and they are real to her...don't negate them. Encourage her to tell you more.

Don't think you have to take today's string of e-mails and come out of it with you marriage happily in tact. It's a step. Go easy on yourself.

I think the first step might be to ask if she is willing to discuss these things further...so you can understand more clearly. Don't draw your own conclusions by trying to decipher a few e-mails. This requires far more explanation for you to truly understand what she means.
I wouldn't dive into huge apologies either...keep it about her. Try not to sound too needy...keep your confidence up. I read your last paragraph and it's all about the "I's". I doubt much of this is about you but is about who she thinks she is.

If she is willing to discuss it with you further...maybe go back to DR and look at the 'ask for what you want' part. But temper that with ensuring you're LISTENING to her first.
Also...Step #5 talks about experimenting and monitory results...see if there is anything in there worth trying. "Cheerleading" or "Focus on the Problem Free times".

I've just started reading The 5 Love Languages and that might be helpful for you to understand how to best communicate with your W. See what type of language she speaks so you can ensure you're on the same page.

I'll check back in later tonight to see how things are going.
Good luck and keep your chin up!
J~
PS...sorry if I'm coming across a little agressively...but you need some positive motivation. And BTW this is helping me too, I'm realizing I need to take some of my own advice and get a PMA!

[bhopeful]

Thanks Jenny. I need a little "tough love" sometimes to clear my head.

Did you see what I am planning on responding to her with?

[bhopeful]

Update on what I plan on sending her. Input would be greatly appreciated.

W,

I am sorry that you feel this way. I would like to get to know the real you. I know you say that you're not good but you've shown me so many good things in life. You are full of love and compassion. Those aren't things that I ever pushed you towards. They were already inside you. I didn't push you to march against the SOA or raise money to help clear landmines. I didn’t push you to rescue the dogs and cat. You entered the nonprofit world because you love to help people. I have learned so much from you and I will be forever grateful. There may be things that you’re finding out about yourself that are a surprise to you, and might be a surprise to me, but there’s nothing that you could ever do or be that would be repulsive to me. You might not believe that, but it’s true.

I know that I was controlling in the past. I don't know if you will ever see it, but I am learning from my mistakes. Please believe that I've never had anything but unconditional love for you.

B

[bhopeful]

So here is her response. I'm too emotionally drained to even think about it right now. Let me know your thoughts if you have any. I'll check back in later.


No, I know that I am a passionate person and that I enjoy helping people. That part of me I am alright with. I just never felt like you loved me even for my imperfections. I know I am not repulsive. I guess I just always felt like I was on pins and needles all these years... my chest would get tight worrying about pleasing you. I would worry about constantly being good enough. I hid myself around your family. I just want to be real... that is all. REAL. I want to yell at you when I feel like it, slam a door... be outrageous (because that is how I am)... If I do those things, I don't want you pouting and ignoring me for a day saying I'm mean too you... if that makes me mean, then I guess I'm a mean person.... I want to not have to worry about how I make the bed, where I put my shoes, or how things are put away around the house...

I am not a religious person. That is a fact. I always tried all these years. I put on a good front in an effort to make it work. It never did. I don't like going to church. I don't even think I believe in Jesus. I don't want to be a part of any of it. I felt pushed all this time. Not just by you but by your family and also by mine (my grandparents). I believe that I belong to the universe and it belongs too me... I am a part of it all and take it all in as a part of me. I am sickened by Christianity as a whole.

I'm sorry for unloading all of this on you but you need to know the truth. I've been thinking alot about that kind of stuff. And I recognized that as one thing that I have been dealing with all this time. I felt cornered but more importantly, I've felt anchored. Being anchored and cornered into something you didn't want to do really sucked.

I think you are a beautiful person and I know you love and care for me...

[Pudmuddle]

Hi B,

She has given you lots of good information in her response. And you are still running HIGH on emotions. If you can, I would sit on responding to this for 48 hours. In fact, I would continue to detach and let her ask you if you read this, or let her start anymore R talks. In my humble opinion, I think she is doing some deep soul searching and really needs time alone to examine this more.

You need some time by yourself to let the emotions die down or you will become to drained, and exhausted to think straight. Please take care of you and relax and detach. She is feeling pressure still from all sides, not just you. But the more you let go of that, and detach, the more comfortable she will become eventually and she will come to you.

Be good to you B.