Ok...stop saying negative. Choose to see some positive. Was she sharing this with you a week ago? Nope. Did you (or she for that matter) know she felt this way when the bomb dropped. Nope. This is progress. It's taken her this time to even come to these conclusions...it's going to take more time to make sense of it.
Quote:
I want to be able to look at someone and love the way they love me... I'm not sure I could ever do that with you because I felt like you were always trying to change me or submerge a part of me into some unknown place so no one would know it was there....
You see this as negative....well how about this... "I want to be able to look at someone and love the way they love me"....she knows what she wants and now you know too! Somewhere to start. "I'm not sure I could ever do that with you"...She didn't say she can't...she said she's NOT SURE. "She felt like you were trying to change her"...Now you know something you did wrong and you can look more closely at yourself.
It's all how you decide to see it and you need to BHOPEFUL!! It's your name for crying out loud!
I think that all validation requires is a heartfelt, "I understand how you feel" or "I'm sorry you feel that way" or "tell me more about that" or "explain to me more about why you feel that way". Even if what she is saying is negative doesn't mean you shouldn't validate it. These are her feelings and they are real to her...don't negate them. Encourage her to tell you more.
Don't think you have to take today's string of e-mails and come out of it with you marriage happily in tact. It's a step. Go easy on yourself.
I think the first step might be to ask if she is willing to discuss these things further...so you can understand more clearly. Don't draw your own conclusions by trying to decipher a few e-mails. This requires far more explanation for you to truly understand what she means. I wouldn't dive into huge apologies either...keep it about her. Try not to sound too needy...keep your confidence up. I read your last paragraph and it's all about the "I's". I doubt much of this is about you but is about who she thinks she is.
If she is willing to discuss it with you further...maybe go back to DR and look at the 'ask for what you want' part. But temper that with ensuring you're LISTENING to her first. Also...Step #5 talks about experimenting and monitory results...see if there is anything in there worth trying. "Cheerleading" or "Focus on the Problem Free times".
I've just started reading The 5 Love Languages and that might be helpful for you to understand how to best communicate with your W. See what type of language she speaks so you can ensure you're on the same page.
I'll check back in later tonight to see how things are going. Good luck and keep your chin up! J~ PS...sorry if I'm coming across a little agressively...but you need some positive motivation. And BTW this is helping me too, I'm realizing I need to take some of my own advice and get a PMA!
