Get Me On A Smoother Ride....Need Advice #7

[SueS]

Good afternoon everyone-

Thanks so much for the input. I'm basically at a loss of what to do. I know I need to GAL, 180....all those things. That I'm not at a loss about. What is hard for me is how to approach H on any type of talk. I don't want to push ultimatums. I'm in no way ready for that. There's something inside of me that wants to tell him again....THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE, but feel that doing that with him will push him much further away. However, he knows that it's unacceptable. Do I really have to tell him again? He's hiding things, sneaking around, closing his emails when I come nearby, on the pc when I'm asleep, sneaking out to make phone calls....etc.

I don't want to put off a talk anymore, but I'm just not ready. I'm scared of leaving from Th-Sun with H here by himself. However, I know he'd see her and do whatever he wants to do even if I were home. I want to go home to my parents for Thanksgiving and try to enjoy myself. I want to hand D3 over to my nieces (she loves them!) and get some rest. My mom knows I've lost weight and wants to buy me some new clothes (kind of an early Christmas gift).

Last night H got home from work about an hour later than normal. Mind you, I would have just let it go, but D3 was asking about him and it was getting close to her bed time. I called H and he was short with me. He said he'd be home very shortly. He got home about 5 minutes later. H spent time with D3. D3 was very rowdy and didn't want to go to bed. I told D3 that daddy could get her to bed. H joked about a few things with me, as I sat up with them when they were playing a game. I decided to go to bed. Still not feeling great. H commented that we needed a humidifier for our room, as the room is dry and with my cold, he thinks it would help. D3 ended up in bed with me all snuggled up. She fell asleep and I put her in her room. H was up and down all night. I heard him come to bed, but then get back up a few times. I heard him on the computer around 4:30 am. D3 and H were awake when I left this morning. H was getting D3's breakfast. She told H to give me a hug and kiss good-bye. He actually gave me a hug and had me kiss him on the cheek. She said.....say I love you. He said it (in a tone to make her happy) and I replied.

Things about H lately: H has seemed a little anxious and distant at times lately (not sleeping well), but at the same time has spent time with us. He told me that we won't be going to his dad's in Dec., but will wait until after the first of the year. He wants to get his car fixed by a friend there. We'd all drive there, he'd stay a few extra days and D3 & I would fly home. H told me he wants to rearrange our bedroom??? H also just emailed me to see how my day is. He asked if I was still leaving Thursday morning, saying he was just asking because he was wondering if I'd help him with something tomorrow or if we'd be gone.

So, I know this is a long post, but I'm just getting a lot off my mind. Last night I got down. I was taking a hot bath and started crying. I think H may have heard me. I tried not to be loud, but due to my cold, my sniffling was a bit much. D3 came to the door and wanted to come in. I heard H tell her to leave mommy alone so I could take a bath in peace and quiet. After I got out, he was okay. I saw myself in the mirror as a run down, tired, depressed and pathetic person. Not the person I want to be or the person I want my H to see. I tried to pull myself together, but it was hard. I know I'm not that person. I know that driving out of town this weekend won't stop me from thinking about things, but I want to come back a more confident person. My goal is to walk back in the door the happy, self-assured person that my H wants to be with.

Well, enough rambling. I need to get working.

Have a great day!

SueS