Sorry she is throwing down with all this crap in the homestretch, and during the holidays, but you are right in recognizing it for what it is and responding with compassion.
And remember, you do that for you...and your kids.
As for the birthday, Thanksgiving is Thanksgiving. Birthday is a separate matter. To celebrate the day of your birth. If people cannot be honored and adored on that day, then when? Do something special, with your children, to celebrate that day. It will teach them that that is what we do for others on birthdays...not just for kids, but for everyone.
I have seen it over and over in kids of divorce, that because the spouse is not there to "prompt" the children to recognize the birthday of the other parent, it goes unacknowledged, the children never learn to do it for their parents. Oh, yeah, they expect it to be done for them, but they never learn the responsibility to reciprocate, not to mention the joy that comes from doing something FOR someone, not just being on the receiving end.
