Why can't I do this....

[Dom R]

I need to balance 180/LRT etc.

no, you need to toss LRT right out the window. at least for rightnow. There is no "balancing" the last resort technique.
It is "a Last Resort". It is when you are doing NOTHING ELSE, and you're done trying anything else.

You know stop pursuing is hard because there are so many moments of normalcy so many times when she uses pet names for me or talks about our future without the D i.e. when she talks about building a playhouse for the boys at our new house. But then the next moment it is do you think that I can afford x for a house when we move.

Yes, this happens with everyone. it's called the rollercoaster ride.
It goes up and down a lot.
Just hang on and stay still when it is plunging down, and dont do anything crazy like jumping out of the cart.

Be the best you that you can be. Quit running away from your responsabilities. Let her figure out for herself, whether you are different or not.

Your job, is to FIND the "best you that you can be" within yourself, and become that guy for good.