Seems like there are some things about what you are saying, that dont mesh, MJ.
you seemed to initially be complaining that you turn "nice guys" into "bad boys". and that this is bad.
Quote:
I purposefully choose to date a "nice boy" but then something really terrible happens which is that I turn the "nice boy" into a "bad boy". So really I am better off just choosing to date "bad boys".
If all you were saying is, "I encourage men to be more sexual, be sexually agressive, etc.", then I wouldnt think that you would have used the word "terrible".
It sounded to me, like there was something about your image of "bad boy", that you dont like... but you [end up with them anyway, so may as well take the best of the worst].
SO I'll ask again: what do you really mean, by "bad boy"?
Maybe you havent thought it through for yourself, which is perhaps why you arent clearly replying to my question?
I think that most people equate "bad boy", with how a guy treats you day to day, not in the bedroom. (or perhaps, how he treats others) Yet, you have only referenced sex related stuff to explain your use of the term.
Something is disconnected here. I think it would be helpful for YOU, if you connected the dots.
'cause, based on your most recent pick, it would indeed seem like you are drawn to "bad boys", in the more general, NON-sexual common definition of the term. Yet, you arent admitting it.
You arent somehow "stuck" with that. You can do something about it... if you first admit that is what is going on with yourself.
Last edited by Dom R; 11/20/0706:26 PM.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
I'm sorry that I don't have the time to directly reply to posts at the moment. I've got a lot of work to do and I can only "coffee break" here. Anyways, my general problem with HD "bad boys" is that either they are of the non-loyal variety and so they tend towards f8cking other women or they are of the loyal variety and they tend towards putting you in a cage while they go out to kill things. The bunny has problems with variety #1 and the monkey has problems with variety #2.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
That's why I said, "You're selling the hypothetical Chrome very short."
Am I safe in assuming that all your turned-a-nice-guy-into-a-bad-boy experiences were before you got married? If so, I'd suggest that guys in your current demographic will give you significantly different results.
Stop WaitingFeel EverythingLove AchinglyGive ImpeccablyLet Go
it would indeed seem like you are drawn to "bad boys", in the more general, NON-sexual common definition of the term. Yet, you arent admitting it.
Maybe MJ is not willing to see it in those terms because I think that definitely gets boiled down to a self-esteem issue. Most strong, intelligent women do not want to think of themselves as having that problem but it very well could be the fact of the matter. MJ certainly stayed in her M with someone who was a bad boy outside the bedroom and so do lots of other people it seems. I think of Heather as another obvious example and zuzu might fit in there as well. Now this is not to say that women who aren't attracted to bad boys Outside the bedroom (I'll put myself in this category) are without self-esteem issues. They probably just manifest differently. But that's another thread. MJ, I think you said you want to break up with this guy because he did something bad outside the bedroom. That's good. That means you are learning and not willing to put up with that behavior.
I'm sorry that I don't have the time to directly reply to posts at the moment. I've got a lot of work to do and I can only "coffee break" here. Anyways, my general problem with HD "bad boys" is that either they are of the non-loyal variety and so they tend towards f8cking other women or they are of the loyal variety and they tend towards putting you in a cage while they go out to kill things. The bunny has problems with variety #1 and the monkey has problems with variety #2.
Me ------->
<-------- You
(we're not quite meeting up at the same place, it would seem )
Trying a different coordinate system:
What kind of man are you looking for? Forgot "bad boy/good boy"... what kind of actual, specific qualities are you looking for?
HD, good in bed, likes to "throw you down on the bed" sometimes. Ok, we got that. That's the sex part pretty much covered?
Now.... what are you looking for, in a relationship ?
ARE you looking for one? long term, or just short term "have fun"? Or are you really just looking for a monogamous F-buddy?
If long term, what kinds of qualities do you think would help you actually HAVE a long term two-way committed relationship with a guy?
Last edited by Dom R; 11/20/0707:54 PM.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
Am I safe in assuming that all your turned-a-nice-guy-into-a-bad-boy experiences were before you got married? If so, I'd suggest that guys in your current demographic will give you significantly different results.
Hmmm...I offer as evidence "Teddy", a 52 year old Buddhist, elementary school teacher who had felt-making as one of his hobbies. I believe that he did not appreciate the fact that monkey-girl was more turned on by the fact that he was once a member of one of the West Side story gangs then by his more gentle pursuits. He was experienced enough to throw it out there but not empathetic enough to respect me when it worked. That is why I am trying to be empathetic about the fact that men get turned on by T&A and bunny stuff, I'm not saying that any of it is a reason to choose a life partner but it is what "works" sexually and it is lame on many levels to think/act otherwise.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Well, I'm just saying I know a guy who went thru a situation very similar to the one you described with the hypothetical Chrome and he didn't flip to Bad Boy in the "outside the bedroom" world. If anything, this fellow erred on the side of staying too Nice Guy.
One factor that could make a difference is that this guy knew the girl in question pretty well intellectually before anything sexually interesting happened.
Stop WaitingFeel EverythingLove AchinglyGive ImpeccablyLet Go
Felt making? Really? I am hard pressed to imagine getting past this in order to get turned on. I am also a fan of the "bad" boy and in the case of H I mistaked his counter-culture, outspoken, edginess for being a sexual bad boy. So, I got all heated up and imagined him into being someone he was not. I imagined him to be like the movie "shy bad boy" who isn't really bad but only shy and is actually very expressive once he finds "the one". So, if I turned out to be the "one" I expected him to open up sexually so that his sexual self matched his other self. See? Convoluted, I know.
See MJ, I think you actually need the variety of bad boy like this one I knew in high school. He was a good student, smart, accomplished and he also enjoyed partying and girls but kept it on the down low. He was a flirt and teachers loved him. He had a way of getting a girl all heated up to the point that she would make the first move. He had girlfriends on and off and I had boy friends on and off. In between we had a high school level "friends with benefits" thing. When we were in relationships it was "no harm/no foul" and we were able to be friends without jealousy. He knew how to spar verbally and physically, had a great intellect and was "bad" without being "bad". You need someone who is bad because he is comfortable with himself, knows what he likes and wants and can read you like a book - incisive. A guy who can be bad without being a bad guy. Know any guys like this?
Felt making? Really? I am hard pressed to imagine getting past this in order to get turned on. I am also a fan of the "bad" boy and in the case of H I mistaked his counter-culture, outspoken, edginess for being a sexual bad boy. So, I got all heated up and imagined him into being someone he was not. I imagined him to be like the movie "shy bad boy" who isn't really bad but only shy and is actually very expressive once he finds "the one". So, if I turned out to be the "one" I expected him to open up sexually so that his sexual self matched his other self. See? Convoluted, I know.
See MJ, I think you actually need the variety of bad boy like this one I knew in high school. He was a good student, smart, accomplished and he also enjoyed partying and girls but kept it on the down low. He was a flirt and teachers loved him. He had a way of getting a girl all heated up to the point that she would make the first move. He had girlfriends on and off and I had boy friends on and off. In between we had a high school level "friends with benefits" thing. When we were in relationships it was "no harm/no foul" and we were able to be friends without jealousy. He knew how to spar verbally and physically, had a great intellect and was "bad" without being "bad". You need someone who is bad because he is comfortable with himself, knows what he likes and wants and can read you like a book - incisive. A guy who can be bad without being a bad guy. Know any guys like this?
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