I agree Don. Thanks. I do feel I am "missing" something here. As I relate below, I did respond to her emotionally but it quickly was quickly replaced by indifference and pity.
BBA - Thanksgiving? I have the kids! That is good. I will also have my mom over. The meal will be smaller but it will be okay.
-------
I wrote about former W coming over to have cake on mom's birthday. It must have affected her to be a "family" again b/c next day I got the email from he*ll: Why is the D paperwork taking so long? I want to change some of the custody language.
I got very angry and forwarded it to lawyer. Then I sat down and wrote my own email. I let her have it - both barrels. I cannot even reprint my words here or they will toss me off the board. I was mad.
As my finger was pressing Send, my mentor emailed me out of the blue. He was responding to a Thanksgiving Wish I sent him. He thanked me for the wish and proceeded to tell me about his relationship with his xW -
"Things are very up and down with xW and me - one day, good interaction, the next terrible. She's still on a rude/angry kick and frankly, Jeff, it wears me down. It was very very hard to not rip her head off this morning for example - so I merely emailed her instead and said it was okay for her to be cordial - that it's good for the kids to see us interacting with the respect befitting their parents.....no reply."
Then he said:
"But the bottom line is this, Jeff. As you move forward with your life, stick to the "high road". It's hard - so bloody hard at times - and that's why it's crucial to have male friends to provide council and wisdom and a ready ear - for letting the pain out. As strong as we ARE (and yes, we ARE), we're still humans and it hurts to be blown off so coldly. We wouldn't tolerate it from strangers - less so from the mother of our children.
And it IS about the children, Jeff. They're watching, always watching to see how we act. How you interact with fW will be their guide to their futures - concentrate on that and fW's actions will become merely annoying rather than debilitating and you'll find you act with honor and integrity and compassion."
No, I did not hit Send.
I did respond to fW, but with a compassionate tone instead. Told her that her lawyer has had the paperwork for three weeks now without response. I also explained the rationale for the custody language and the law associated with it.
She meekly replied back that she could not "speak of the legal aspects", she just "wants the language changed" and that she had not contacted her lawyer.
I replied back for her to check with her lawyer. She initially said she would but then she got tough again today: "I will not change my mind about this .... I am not your wife anymore...I do not believe the court would award this. I do not think the current custody language is in the best interest of the children. I don't want to go to court, but this is the one thing I will go for."
My lawyer says that she would not stand a chance in court if she pressed the language change. She is living in her own reality now.
But really, I bet she found herself seeing me differently lately as I supported her in her mom's death and through the D process. And then seeing my mom in a family celebration.
So now she has to pick a fight to tell herself she is still "right" about me and us. That it is all my fault - including Global Warming. Her best line "I am not your wife anymore" = I will not let YOU control me, you will not mess with my feelings.
She is trying to run from herself.
So it goes. We were all but ready to sign and now new stuff is introduced. I hope she will come to her senses, but after 23 months that is really too much to ask.
