Whew. OK, Mark, let's take a sec and think about this.
First, forget all about how you got to this point, whose fault it was, who invited who, and who is "right". (As Dr. Phil says, Would you rather be right or be happy?)
Now, I want you to step back and ask yourself one question: Does going to her parents for Thanksgiving bring you closer to your goal of saving your marriage, or push you farther away?
(And if you "go there" and reply that your goal isn't necessarily to save your marriage today, then I have to ask you a different question: What IS your goal, and are you moving towards it?)
The goal is to ensure that my kids enjoy the holiday with their extended family. That's it.
Update: So now... she wants to go visit her brother, five hours away. But (for reasons I don't understand) she also wants to have dinner on Thursday with just us. The five of us, that's it.
Then on Friday, she/we will visit either her father or brother. So my options are: - Go with her on Friday to visit her brother. - Go by myself to see her father. - Stay home when she goes out of town.
I will likely take #3.... She continues to say, "I don't want to have to fake it." - fake like we are a happy couple. And I don't want to fake anything either.
And I never planned to drive in a caravan behind her. The kids would get confused, ask questions, etc. It isn't going to happen that way.
