I understood that the invitation had already been issued. My point was, do not accept on W's behalf and then spring this on her. In any R, troubled or not, I would consider this rude.
Sure, we can always rub our WAS's nose in what they are doing. There's a lot of potential short-term gratification to be had there.
However, I encourage taking the long view - in my case, I never did this, because I hoped for the day (which is now here) that W and I would be back together. If I had exposed her failings to her family and my family "back in the day", then W and I would both be struggling with a lot more issues and drama today (I can just imagine the fun during the holidays!) Doing so would not have been conducive to my long-term goal of restoring and improving my marriage. Hope you see where I'm coming from.
Rob
Thread #10 22 year M, MLC, Piecing since 1/07 Goal: Live with confidence & enthusiasm!
However, I encourage taking the long view - in my case, I never did this, because I hoped for the day (which is now here) that W and I would be back together. If I had exposed her failings to her family and my family "back in the day", then W and I would both be struggling with a lot more issues and drama today (I can just imagine the fun during the holidays!) Doing so would not have been conducive to my long-term goal of restoring and improving my marriage. Hope you see where I'm coming from.
Rob
Rob, I understand. This is what has bought my silence. I do hope to be where you are some day but in my case I have made it too easy for my W to just sit there and do nothing. There will come a time when a Choice needs to be made on my Wifes side. And if this choice is in favor of the R then My "silence" was a small price to pay. Thanks for the encouragement of this "long-term" goal.
H
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
me: Hey, are we going to see you dad for TG? her: No, we aren't going. me: Well, I talked to SMIL, and she invited us. So I was thinking about going. her: Well, you shouldn't assume. me: Assume? I didn't assume anything. I'm going to go and take the kids with me. her: No you are not, you are not taking the kids without me to see my family. me: Why not? her: Because it's my family, and you aren't doing it. me: OK, we can talk about it later. her: Fine, take the kids. Go. Why don't you leave tomorrow? me: OK, bye. her: <obviously frustrated and agitated> Bye.
SMIL invited me to go. I am going and I am taking the kids with me The kids may want to stay at home. Whatever, I am going, whether she likes it or not. I intend to have a great time.
I know her. She is agitated. I threw her off, big time. Right now, she thinks I am bluffing. But the more she thinks about it, it will occur to her that there is no downside to me following through.
My guess is that one of two things will occur: She will either go with me, or she will exact "revenge" upon me by inviting her boyfriend to visit. I think it will be the former. The embarassment of me showing up alone... no wife, no kids...
And if she choses a visit from her boyfriend, it does not matter to me. I have freed her to her own stupidity. She is free to be an idiot, and I will not stand in her way.
But the significance of this is not lost on me. This is a shot across the bow for my freedom. She is seeing that my behaviors and my actions are no longer tied to her. I am acting in my own best interest, and the best interests of the kids. Remember, father and SMIL are very pro-family. They would oppose a divorce in the absence of a legitimate effort on her part to salvage the marriage. I think this is why she does not want to go visit. She is in an emotional turmoil right now. I need to stand clear.
Well, she surprised me. No reason offered as to why she doesn't want to visit her own family for Thanksgiving?
In a lot of ways I agree with you Mark. You have a battle on your hands with her no matter what you do. So you may as well do what you want and go in for the battle. But boy, if you do visit her family without her, there will be questions. And whether you answer them or not, there is a lot that can be read into the situation.
But how can she even expect OM to show up to visit her, isn't he married? Surely he has family to visit on Thanksgiving too.
Boyfriend is married to his third wife (yeah, there's a successful track reacord there...). He has no kids with his current wife, his two kids from a previous wife who are grown and moved out. His father lives in the same town as he does (350+ miles from here). So he may be planning to come here to visit on Friday. Or even Thursday. Who knows...
And yes, Sara, there will be many, many questions. My guess is that she will cave and go with me. She is counting on a lot of support (emotional and financial) from her father during the divorce process. So it would look very bad if I went by myself.
In contrast to what I posted earlier, I think she wants to stay in town because her boyfriend is coming to visit. This is a presumption, but it appears to me that she has declined a visit to her father in favor of seeing her boyfriend. And now, I am messing that all up. She is in quite a pickle...
Good for you for putting her in a pickle. This boyfriend must be pretty old to have grown children. She needs a psychiatrist. Perhaps she thinks he will leave a fortune to his LAST wife. But as #4, can she even expect to stick around that long?
Wife just called. She is beside herself with anger. She said she talked to her father, and she has decided that she will be taking the kids without me. I told her that I was invited, and I plan to attend. She said that I will not be welcome in the car with them. I said, fine, when are you leaving, I can just follow you up there. She said, we aren't going in a caravan...
Then it disintegrated into an argument about how manipualtive I am being, how I am putting her family in between us, how I will not be able to get her family to side with me over her, etc. All alien spew. And could not help myself but laugh. Not laughing, but more chuckling at the alien spew. Not sure why, but I find it very entertaining, watching her cling to me, and push me away, then cling to me, then push me away... I know I am not clinging...
So now I need to leave work early to go home to get my stuff together for the trip. She refused to tell me when she is leaving, so I need to be ready to follow her up there.
Don't follow. You can go before her, and out of her sight after her. You don't need her fuming while she drives with the kids in the car. Why is it that these people with strong wills never think anyone will stand up to them? Impossible Woman, meet the Impossible Man.
