Get Me On A Smoother Ride....Need Advice #7

[Rob1231]

But I have a question...do you honestly believe the wayward cheating spouse will actually respect someone who acts like the one they love that is cheating doesn't hurt them or effect them, like it doesn't bother them? I'm sorry but to me the wayward spouse may think the spouse doesn't care so maybe there is no hope. You can't respect a doormat. I don't say that to be mean or hurt anyone here. But also I have seen a lot of people at least state their views on this to their spouses with the most amazing strength and self respect for themselves. I don't think Sue has had this chance yet.

Hi Trying,

I'm sorry, I think we're not communicating well here. Let me try to be clearer:

I certainly do not advocate being a doormat, or acting as if the WAS's selfish, stupid, rude, thoughtless actions are acceptable. I encourage the LBS to find the strength to be brave and steadfast in the face of these hurtful actions. I recommend that the LBS sets clear boundaries which communicate, "I can't control what you do - but I do not approve of it, and I will not be taken advantage of by you."

On the other hand, I recognize that the WAS (particularly in the case of an MLC) is not thinking clearly or behaving rationally. I recommend that the LBS focuses on their own GALing and happiness, while exercising patience and hoping for the WAS to get their sh!t together. The alternative - trying to control the behavior of the WAS with ultimatums - is way too likely to backfire, IMHO.

This "ultimatum setting" is what I read into the post a while back about "putting your foot down." If I misunderstood, I apologize for the confusion.