But regarding sex, why don't you put your focus on YOU during sex and make it great for you. That is probably the best thing for both of you.
Great advice. The single most important thing to making sex great for a man is that it is great for the woman. There is no other turn-on that compares.
Gone the carvings and those who left their mark. Gone the kings and queens, now only the rats hold sway.
I only have a sec but wanted you all to know that I read your comments and appreciate it. I'm pretty busy today and Joey has a counseling session tonight so when he gets home, hopefully we can connect. We are SOO tired at the end of the day; I wish there were more opportunities for us to enjoy one another's company besides late at night when we're both spent.
In my opinion, he puts WAY too much emphasis on sex. I know I can be a bit too reserved in that area, but at times I can break out of my shell, so he gets hung up on those certain times and expects it to then become routine.
Zuzu, I have some questions to ask in the hopes of getting a clearer idea of your situation. In what way do you perceive him as putting too much emphasis on sex?
Wants sex too often? If so, how often?
Talks about sex too often? If so, how often?
Complains about sex too often? How often?
Does every issue (non sexual) you (Zuzu) may be having tend to end up with "sex" (as in "yeah, well you don't ____ sexually) as his response?
Quote:
He TRULY DOES NOT get that I don't feel as "into it" when we've been fighting.
From what you have described on the forums, you guys seem to fight a lot. Would you say that's true? Do the two of you have heated words every day? Several times a week?
What are the two of you fighting/arguing about? Can you give us a list of the things you fight/argue about? What are the major issues?
Quote:
He claims it's [censored] not about love, and references one-night-stands I had in high school/college before him.
In long term relationships, for many people (not all) it IS about love and not f*cking. For him it can be primarily about the sexual act/s and for you it can be primarily about the emotion.
People have different "makeups" - not only delineated by HD and LD. There are HD people who translate that drive into lounging in bed all day titillating each other for hours, trying out a half-dozen positions, playing with different orifices, and making an all-out effort to please each other. And there are also HD people who think foreplay is a waste of time, don't give a flip whether or not their partner has an orgasm, who won't reciprocate oral or who find anything other than PIV unacceptable.
For some folks there something transcendental that occurs - they end up having a kind of spiritual experience. Others have an incredible physical release and at best might get a warm glow afterwards, but there is nothing transcendental about it.
That is a long winded way of saying, different people get different things from sex. And an individual can get different things from sex at different times.
There just isn't a one-size fits all "sex is all about ____".
How do you feel when he brings up the one night stands thing? And how do you actually respond?
Perhaps you have talked to him about this, or perhaps you haven't thought of it this way, but:
A person can have a one night stand for a variety of reasons. Drunkenness, horniness, neediness, rebellion, experimentation, etc. In general, there isn't any emotional connection other than the person at the time makes you feel studly/beautiful, desirable, interesting, important, special, intelligent, yadda yadda. And in general they have not ripped into you verbally, treated you like a loser, emotionally hurt you in a dozen different ways, acted as if you were stupid, ignored you, talked as if you owed them something that they were entitled to - you get the idea.
Sure, you might not have any emotional investment in a one-night stand, BUT you also don't have any emotional bruises from them either. So, one night stands by their very nature last so briefly that neither of you have had a chance to enact hurt on the other.
Well, LTRs aren't like that. LTRs drag a lot of emotional baggage along with them. Some good, some bad. If there's enough good and both parties are choosing to acknowledge the good stuff - then the baggage can be light and more easily dealt with.
If there's enough bad - say for ex. a spouse came home announcing that they just got a promotion and a raise and instead of heartfelt congratulations he/she gets ripped for forgetting to pick up the milk - that's bad juju that will likely soon show up in the bed - especially if it is an indication of an ongoing pattern.
Quote:
I only orgasm from direct stimulation, not from just regular intercourse. He is on anti-d. meds that have caused him to have a more difficult time coming.
So are you being directly stimulated or are the two of you engaging primarily (only?) in intercourse vaginally or anally?
Quote:
Once after a few days of tension, an argument began shortly after he got home from work and from out of nowhere, he asked, in a disgusted voice, "When's the last time you came when we were [censored]?"
What caused the "few days of tension"? What argument started? Who started it and what was it about?
In regards to the "when's the last time" question - are the two of you trying to bring you to orgasm or is the sex geared only toward him? And if so, is that your choice (wanting to get it over as quickly as possible?) or is it his choice (expecting you to come from intercourse along?)?
If you can take the time to spell out details, I bet the folks here can put their heads together and come up with ideas, different views, suggested responses, possible actions you can take.
So, can you stand wading through the list o' requests above and respond? ;
YEA! I'm so excited at the potential here for some help. Thank you, Mrs. NOP and others!
Ok, I will do my best here. (Can someone tell me how to make the QUOTES?)
MrsNOP said: In what way do you perceive him as putting too much emphasis on sex? Wants sex too often? If so, how often? Talks about sex too often? If so, how often? Complains about sex too often? How often? Does every issue (non sexual) you (Zuzu) may be having tend to end up with "sex" (as in "yeah, well you don't ____ sexually) as his response?
Well, he asked me the other day when we were in an argument how often Dr. Phil said couples should have sex. In my head I thought, "This oughta be good." Don't ask me where he got this from. He said four times a week. Then followed it up with, "But I'd settle for once a month if you were into it." Well, that's not true, but I think he would like it at least twice a week, more like 3-4+. And, on occasion, that would feel great for me too, but if two weeks went by and we hadn't, I wouldn't be furious and resentful like he gets. So that's really what I mean about him placing too much emphasis on it. Also, I'm more happy with it being "boring" sex most of the time, oral is great for both of us, but I don't think we need toys/porno/marathon sessions, etc., on a regular basis, but might be ok on an occasional basis.
Also, it is NOT a turn on the way he will refer to sex in ordinary conversation, etc. It seems very immature to me. I have recently put that tag on it (in my head) because I couldn't figure out why I couldn't just laugh along, but I guess yes, in the right circumstance, it CAN be funny, but it can also get old and be a real turn-off. Sometimes he's resentful and angry and sometimes is just being playful. JUST LAST NIGHT, I was telling him that I can actually touch the back of my throat with the upper side of my toothbrush to brush my tongue but the side that is supposed to brush my tongue gags me instantly. (I know, hot conversation, huh??) He says, "so what else can you do with your throat?" then smiles a huge smile. I mean, I guess that's funny, but I can't at that moment lean in and purr to him, ooh, let me show you. Sorry, try again buddy. But I don't want to be an outright bit$3 about it, so I just kind of laugh half-heartedly and move on.
Another time, he brought it up, he was totally angry. We were going through a major hump where we weren't having much sex at all, fighting most times that we talked, etc. He was complaining about me painting the kitchen cabinets in the evening. (But if HE had something he wanted to do, then THAT was ok.) He had been practically mute on the topic of colors, etc., but then I glazed a few to see how I liked the look and he said in a flat voice, "yeah, those look pretty good." He is an ARTIST and I am not! He also had been saying how he totally could care less, etc. I told him I'd love for us to be able to think of these house things as "we" projects, not "me" projects. Anyhow, so he said that and it made me instantly excited to do them all that way! I did a little yippee dance and said "I can't wait to do it!!" He ROLLED his eyes, scoffed and said, "you mean the cabinets, not me, right?" OMG, I about died. I was actually happy that he was taking a bit of interest and showing approval of my work and I IRRITATED him? I couldn't believe it. I guess it boiled down to he was jealous. He said, "I wish I could get you that excited." That royally pissed me off and seemed very immature, so it is that he puts so much emphasis on whether or not we're doing it, then whether or not I'm "into it" then what we're doing, I just feel unless it's Olympic sex every other day, he's gonna complain.
I have to go for now, but hopefully that answers the top portion somewhat. I know it's a huge task but my old posts were almost journaling as we've gone along.
Usually after he comes (used to be pretty quickly, now seems to take a little TOO long, which he is sensitive about), he will then ask me, do you want me to keep going (for me). I like him inside me, THAT is my favorite part, but he moves differently after he has come and he can still do it, but he's smaller, so what I was feeling a few minutes before is gone. Also, I'm pretty picky in a body kind of way, meaning, I'm usually cold/hot/need a tissue/wanna get him off me, etc. I'm also VERY ticklish and can really only be touched in certain ways. I am much better than I used to be. (He can't seem to remember this, but when we first met, I could barely let him go down on me or touch my breasts or thighs.) I don't know if this is normal, but I also find his body hair REALLY ITCHY!!!! (He recently shaved his chest and privates and they are totally stubbly, so I keep my hand on my stomach or it feels like making love to a Brillo pad. Same with his facial hair. I also think he has horrid breath more often than not and there were times where I was glad it was dark, because I had my face totally screwed up trying to avoid him breathing down on me. I know, not very sexy. We keep gum in a nearby dresser, right next to the lube, but unless I give it to him (which I often do) he NEVER gets it. So, I TRY not to sound like a picky, naggy bi!$#, but if it's bothering me, I feel like I should be able to say something. Obviously, sometimes I don't. I realize how all this can get to be too much for a person to hear, and at times that HAS happened, but we've been together 15 years, so he's kind of used to it as long as I don't let it be the main thing.
So, raise your hand if you think I'm a freak. This all sounds so odd typed out.
I don't think you're a freak. It sounds like you might have some sensory issues, especially tactile. I struggle with these sorts of issues too and sometimes they are so distracting that I find it difficult to get aroused. Strangely, though, if I start off already aroused, none of this stuff bothers me at all.
I have asked cac to shower and brush/gargle before sex (he's a smoker). We keep a tin of Altoids on the nightstand. He also dries his hair because the wet hair bothers me.
If your H's breath smells bad, tell him. If you want him to shower and brush before sex, ask him. You can't get into it if you're screwing up your face and holding your breath! When I finally decided to be honest and ask for what I needed it made a big difference. I'm discovering that honesty is truly the way to go.
I told him I'd love for us to be able to think of these house things as "we" projects, not "me" projects. Anyhow, so he said that and it made me instantly excited to do them all that way! I did a little yippee dance and said "I can't wait to do it!!" He ROLLED his eyes, scoffed and said, "you mean the cabinets, not me, right?" OMG, I about died. I was actually happy that he was taking a bit of interest and showing approval of my work and I IRRITATED him? I couldn't believe it. I guess it boiled down to he was jealous. He said, "I wish I could get you that excited." That royally pissed me off and seemed very immature, so it is that he puts so much emphasis on whether or not we're doing it, then whether or not I'm "into it" then what we're doing, I just feel unless it's Olympic sex every other day, he's gonna complain.
Okay, so YOU understand how exciting it is to have 'we' projects, how incredible and happy that made you feel for him to actually want to DO a project with you... flip it around... he considers 'sex' a 'we' project (maybe you understand his excitement now). So then he makes a statement that instantly dashes your happiness... as you do to him all the time about sex... YOU are hurt and feel you have a right to be so... yet when you do it to him and he gets hurt... you call him jealous and immature???
I told him I'd love for us to be able to think of these house things as "we" projects, not "me" projects. Anyhow, so he said that and it made me instantly excited to do them all that way! I did a little yippee dance and said "I can't wait to do it!!" He ROLLED his eyes, scoffed and said, "you mean the cabinets, not me, right?" OMG, I about died. I was actually happy that he was taking a bit of interest and showing approval of my work and I IRRITATED him? I couldn't believe it. I guess it boiled down to he was jealous. He said, "I wish I could get you that excited." That royally pissed me off and seemed very immature, so it is that he puts so much emphasis on whether or not we're doing it, then whether or not I'm "into it" then what we're doing, I just feel unless it's Olympic sex every other day, he's gonna complain.
Okay, so YOU understand how exciting it is to have 'we' projects, how incredible and happy that made you feel for him to actually want to DO a project with you... flip it around... he considers 'sex' a 'we' project (maybe you understand his excitement now). So then he makes a statement that instantly dashes your happiness... as you do to him all the time about sex... YOU are hurt and feel you have a right to be so... yet when you do it to him and he gets hurt... you call him jealous and immature???
AMEN!!! In reading through these posts, I see a good amount selfishness. JMHO for what it's worth.
H: 33 (ME) WAW: 33 S: 10 D: 7 3/17/06 Wife left 10/4/06 D Final 9/30/07 XW states she wants to reconcile 10/7/07 XW starts process of moving back in
Zu, I don't have your email address anymore. Email me if you want.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
Thank you sincerely for the comments. I appreciate the input and I'm thinking about everything.
I honestly don't know if I've misrepresented, but I don't THINK I'm being selfish. With that specific comment during our cabinet discussion, he took a totally happy situation and all of a sudden threw our sex life into it. It seemed out of the blue. That's a big issue we have, his negativity. I can be negative at times, but he is REALLY negative, when I think it's just out of place. He's always sort of been that way, but I can hardly take it when it involves our kids, etc.
I totally get it that the sex life being a disappointment to him is a major factor. The part where we still butt heads is that TO ME it was a pretty ok sex life, whereas he was totally disappointed most of the time. I know it's not uncommon for two people to have different ideas of what their sex life should look like, and he has always said he'd like it more than me. But, it seems like since we've had kids, when I've "mellowed" and probably become a bit more conservative, he is seeming to crave more kinkiness. So that's what has brought the issue to a real head and is causing so much conflict.
Today my daughter has started her Thanksgiving Break, so I need to go, but will definitely try to answer the rest of the ?'s above when I get a chance!
