Thank you Was2sad for your time and words. I have talked to a few people at work and it is amazing how many have kids who did things. I have calmed a lot and just want her to get whatever she needs to be happy and healthy. I really thought I was stronger but it caused a big flashback to when H left. We will be ok and I am proud that I did not bug the C about H today! AND I will shut my mouth and let her lead the conversation tomorrow with DD and myself. <fingers crossed>
Sitting quietly doing nothing, the flowers bloom effortlessly.
bomb: Jan 25, 2006 not seen since DD moved in with H - 9/1/08 H filed for divorce - 11/2008 Divorce dismissed by courts - 4/2010 still nothing
OK, I am weird...I just came back from a tarot psychic. Yeah, I know....but I really feel good about what she said. It was only a 5 minute reading. She asked what question I had and I said I wanted to know about the future of my marriage. After saying I was highly intuitive, she laid out the cards and just kept staring at them. I could tell she didn't want to say something so I said would it help to know I haven't seen him since 2006. There was immediate relief on her face and she said "Oh, that explains things". This top portion says you had a good marriage and then this middle says separation, etc. She kept laying cards and then she basically said she sees me having a very good marriage but she can't tell with whom and it will happen within 18 months so I am on cloud nine with a caffeine buzz from Starbucks to help it along. I will survive and the future looks bright. You guys all knew that but it's nice to have another opinion and I want to be able to look back on this and say "yep, she was right!"
Sitting quietly doing nothing, the flowers bloom effortlessly.
bomb: Jan 25, 2006 not seen since DD moved in with H - 9/1/08 H filed for divorce - 11/2008 Divorce dismissed by courts - 4/2010 still nothing
I'll have to remember to ask her that next time....what the heck, let's just do it!!!
Saw therapist yesterday. She said H wanted to meet with DD and later with me. I pushed her and she finally came out and said that H saw no future, liked being alone and wanted a divorce. I broke down but then talked to another DBer who reminded me of a few things and we came up with a plan.
I don't see the need to be faced with rejection so I will not meet with H. If he wants a divorce, I will not stop him nor will I help him. H still is foggy. He still hasn't reconnected with parents, etc. and will be in for a rude awakening when DD pulls teenage stuff on him. How will he handle her anger when it comes? I think he will back off. So I am going to tell the therapist to work on H and DD reconnecting and I will not meet with him. What do you think?
Sitting quietly doing nothing, the flowers bloom effortlessly.
bomb: Jan 25, 2006 not seen since DD moved in with H - 9/1/08 H filed for divorce - 11/2008 Divorce dismissed by courts - 4/2010 still nothing
BP, I think you have the right mindset: if he pushes for the D, do not help him but also do not stop him. My experience with this mess is that if we (LBS) do anything to hinder them when they get going on an idea, we will instantly become the enemy and they will only barrel towards it faster and harder. Better to step out of their way and let them hit the wall alone. It sounds like you already have the exact right plan, so good for you. Missed posting with you; glad to see you here!
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
My only concern about your quesion is whether you are asking for yourself, or your H? You know by not to try to second guess the alien or to do things in hope of certain reactions.
If you are saying that you will just not expend any energy to help him file, fine. It will be his D. He will probably screw it up and you will have to finally pay a L to make sure you are treated properly. All this will likely exude anger from him. That is not the kind of reaction you may be thinking about right now, but it is most likely.
If you decide to toss in the towel and help him burn Rome as friends, he will be less angry and may treat you as a friend. It is their mlc bait. It is recommended by some IC. But they don't get to vote in your D, if H files. This will be up to you to decide and live with. If he does go down anger road, let him go alone. One day ... he will get tired of wasting that energy on others and start working on himself.
I told the C that I didn't want to meet with H and she was ok with that. I said he needed to work on R with DD and then his parents. She asked about child care issues and I said that DD can see and be with him as much or as little as they both want. What happened was...H took DD to dinner and then nothing until next C session (2 weeks because of a meeting C had). DD didn't say much but her actions were to nose dive on school work and do some risky behaviors (walking in the dark alone, not as drastic as drugs, etc). They met again last Friday and H is taking DD out again on 27th. DD and I are meeting with C to discuss her behavior on 30th. H did send a note to his dad wishing him a happy belated bday (1 month late) that said "I hope to get my act together". H did as C had asked and sent me an email saying he is taking DD out. I didn't respond but I did leave a message later on his answering machine to say he is responsible for picking up and dropping DD off during their C sessions. Which he did.
Was2sad, I don't know what I will do if he files. I don't think I am scared of his anger and will protect DD and myself. I guess I'll just wait and see what C has to say. She did tell me that she saw fear of intense emotion. Which makes sense. I think he is really fear based with everything. Fear of rejection, fear of his own emotions, etc. That is probably why he doesn't contact DD outside of C's instructions.
Sitting quietly doing nothing, the flowers bloom effortlessly.
bomb: Jan 25, 2006 not seen since DD moved in with H - 9/1/08 H filed for divorce - 11/2008 Divorce dismissed by courts - 4/2010 still nothing
You seem to have taken a wise position that I don't remember recommending. I love learning new tricks and sharing new ideas. I like that.
You are keeping the attention where it needs to be ... H working on his issues in the right order. Sadly to some, the M comes last in MLC. He can't make good decisions about his life while he has so many other demons. Let him address his R with those people the MLCer usually cuts off and then reconnects with ... in order. You two would have trouble healing the M with so many other problems in the way. No rush. Patience.
Take care of yourself first, and expect him to do the same. Whatever he does, his life and his mistakes will be his to own. Your life will continue to be all you can make with it, no consideration to him.
Well I was thrown for a loop yesterday. DD and I were talking (or at least I was, she was slumped in her usual "I am just here position). It turns out she is going with H to our annual Christmas Mannheim Steamroller concert. It hit me hard and at first I said some unkind things (Is his girlfriend going along?, She threw about my "boyfriends" and I said "I wouldn't have boyfriends if her dad hadn't thrown me away but all the boyfriends know that I want my M and will go back at the drop of a hat", etc.) Then I calmed down and explained that last year I had DD all to myself and this year I have to share her. Plus, this was always a family affair and it hurts to not be wanted this year. I said this has nothing to do with her and her relationship with her dad. I asked if she could understand why I was hurting and she said "yes". Then I dropped it. DANG, I wanted this (DD and H to reconcile) but I didn't expect me to be as hurt as I am. Guess, I'll have to get use to not be wanted again.
Sitting quietly doing nothing, the flowers bloom effortlessly.
bomb: Jan 25, 2006 not seen since DD moved in with H - 9/1/08 H filed for divorce - 11/2008 Divorce dismissed by courts - 4/2010 still nothing
I made it! The concert was yesterday. I still hadn't heard anything from H on the day of the concert so I called and left an answering machine message just saying that "DD said something about doing something with you. I would appreciate the courtesy of you letting me know if you are." <I was calm but a little miffed> He texted back sorry that he thought DD had told me. I waited a bit and thought then called and he picked up! His voice was a little shaky but I thank him for telling me and said that I need to know because DD had told me she would be places before and then gone drinking and drugs. He said he understood and would tell in the future. I asked if he was ok and he said just busy so I quickly said OK, bye and hung up. He picked her up at 6:30 pm (she waited by the door and ran out) and brought her home at 11:00 pm. She seemed really happy. I am glad.
Sitting quietly doing nothing, the flowers bloom effortlessly.
bomb: Jan 25, 2006 not seen since DD moved in with H - 9/1/08 H filed for divorce - 11/2008 Divorce dismissed by courts - 4/2010 still nothing
